Discussion I don't want to die, but I really don't want to live.

[Abandoned Phantom]

Does anyone else feel this way, or similar? I don't really want to die, per se, but I don't have things I want to live for. I have a couple of friends and a small handful of family members that I don't want to hurt. It feels backwards to how it should be. It's more of a desire not to hurt those select few. It's not really enough anymore.
I Like how right after I posted this, I found a few threads that are in the sam vein. lol

 

[GhostgirlWannadie]

I have the exact same cycle over and over again and every single time I've come out of it without killing myself I feel dissapointed. I always know it's gonna happen again and I can't stop it. Then I start clinging onto somd false hope before I get reminded why it's false. Every. Single. Time. It's so dissapointing.

I used to not care about hurting my family but now I've gotten more empathetic. Some of them would be hurt but they'd move on. My closer family would be devastated. Even so, I still can't live. I still struggle with trying to make the decision to do it.

 

[itsgone2]

I Like how right after I posted this, I found a few threads that are in the sam vein.

Yes. I've not been here that long but have seen them a few times. It's a struggle. Hurting people and SI. Two huge obstacles.
I feel the same
Many do. It sucks. No easy way out of this. If only you could flip a switch

 

[Pale_Rider]

I'm scared of what's next. Have I been perfect? No. Has my heart always strived to intercede? Yes.

 

[itsnotokayy!22]

I feel you....its why I wanted a suicide partner..But SI and the fear of cessation of consciousness and my gf are preventing me from it.

 

[name2come]

I feel like that a lot. I feel like my life went down the wrong path but that there isn't a way to right myself now. I'm sad all of the time and I feel hopeless, but I don't really want to die. I just don't see a path forward and I feel I need to get out of the way so the world can move on. I feel like if I don't opt out now, things are just going to get worse and worse for me. It can be hard. Like, I read threads here and I just feel so overwhelmingly sad for people. I feel sad that they feel so hopeless or angry. I don't always feel like I relate to that, which makes me feel a bit like a fraud, but I know that's not fair. I'm not angry at life. I'm not really resentful. I'm just sad and feel hopeless. I don't think I want to do this as much as I don't think there is another way for this to end for me. Recently, I realized that I have times when I get overwhelmed and upset and if I want to do this, I probably need to be ready for an episode like that and be ready to lean into it and let the heightened emotions bring me to where I need to be in order to CTB.

 

[J&L383]

Me too. Living has been become tiresome and burdensome and boring. Death is frightening but I will embrace it. At least I know it will come eventually somehow.

 

[Abandoned Phantom]

I read threads here and I just feel so overwhelmingly sad for people. I feel sad that they feel so hopeless or angry. I don't always feel like I relate to that, which makes me feel a bit like a fraud, but I know that's not fair.

Yes! The fraud thing. By all accounts, my life is pretty decent. Like, there are people out there who's lives are far worse than mine, or have had horrible things happen to them. And then i think to myself something like "if they went through that pain, what does that make me for "giving up". if they can muster the strength, why can't I!" then its a back and forth between "don't let other people define you" and "They have a reason behind their strength."

 

[sevencolorfulmoths]

Exactly how I feel! I have "good things" in my life but they're not really fulfilling enough. Like someone else said not so long ago, the ratio of suffering to fulfillment is way too unbalanced.