I dont want to die but I don’t want to exist the way I am

[30LoverForever]

I have built my empathy and I have built the kindness which I do have. I have to truly focus on a feeling to feel it. I have no drive for anything and I never have. I have no career or job and I am just a leech. I am afraid of a future that is empty and sad and I am not strong enough for this life and I don't think there's anyone that could support me. Its to each their own. I don't have the strength in me to do anything to save my life, I might be born autistic(never diagnosed but I check in on all of it, I may be on the spectrum), I am afraid I can't do anything to save myself. I don't truly want to die, but I don't want to exist the way I am, lacking everything that I should have and is my birth right to be able to experience life fully and with love and compassion and happiness and joy and tears of joy and LOVE but I never got it, I never got to experience life like how it should be because I lack it. It can't be anhedonia since I somewhat feel things but not the full spectrum. I want to be happy, normal, like anyone else, experiencing life to the fullest and not being some autistic person who can barely feel anything. I feel like I am so weird socially, I can't do anything, I can't even look at someone in the eyes, I don't know any social cues, I can't exist normally.
All I can express in words right now is how much I hate this. I wish it were better.