Venting I don't want to be here anymore

[celskits]

I've been struggling with extreme BPD for all the years i've been on earth, I hate feeling the way I feel and I absolutely fucking hate being me. I see no future for myself and I feel terrible because I keep promising multiple people about things we'll do in the future, when there's a possibility in the near future I won't be here anymore. All my emotions are just amplified 1000x and everything is so overwhelming. I'm so exhausted I can't even bring myself to get out of bed sometimes and I can't keep in contact with my friends anymore. I've just been pushing everyone away. Nothing makes me happy anymore, even the things I used to love doing just tire me out. All I want to do is it in bed and sleep forever. Everyday I imagine my own death and I really just want it all over with. I wish I was someone else sometimes.

My whole life has just been me feeling empty and numb, yes there are some times where I enjoy myself, but it's more that I just enjoy what is currently happening and not life itself. Every time I get a hint of happiness it's fleeting and the negative feelings can overwhelm me again. The feeling of being lonely and depressed outweigh the feeling of joy tenfold.
I truly don't deserve anything good, I'm a terrible person. I treat my boyfriend like shit and he doesn't deserve it. I know for a fact he would be so much happier if he never met me in the first place. I am just a burden in his life. A slug on his tomato plant. (haha funny metaphor).
There is no place for me here anymore, I don't belong with anyone and I am destined to be alone, as my bpd will eventually hurt everyone I love.
I've tried everything, medication, therapy and i've even been in a mental health ward and hospitalised. Nothing ever works, I guess it's the universe telling me i'm destined to feel like this and I should just cease to exist.

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[FuneralCry]

I also just wish to be gone, to be permanently free from all the suffering is all I hope for, it sounds like you've suffered a lot and it's just so cruel to me how there's all this suffering in existing, I wish you the best.