
SomewhatLoved
all bleeding stops eventually...
- Apr 12, 2023
- 420
Sometimes a relationship seems like a good idea. I've always wanted to experience spousal/romantic love, but I feel like there are a lot of things that would make me not a good partner for the vast majority of people.
I've never really had a social drive, like at all. I've only been in one relationship, and when I was in a relationship I would only really ever go out to "socialize" if my partner was there, because it was a reason to spend more time with them. Otherwise it never really interested me, I've always been antisocial and more of a homebody. I loved going out with them but otherwise I just didn't care. I think the whole time we were together (~2 years) there was MAYBE one or two times I went out with friends and he wasn't there. I would play video games online with friends sometimes, but I don't count that and even that was infrequent. I just never had any desire for it, and I don't think it ever really caused any problems. I was content with them being pretty much the only person who I knew beyond an acquaintance or coworker level. Whenever they were at work or school I was always ok just doing independent hobbies or other things, and wouldn't really get lonely even if I wasn't spending time with anyone. If anything, I would just miss them.
I feel like in relationships, other people can cause problems. I dealt with my partner having flirty friends, people trying to hit on them in bars... For most of the relationship it wasn't really an issue because I knew they were loyal to me, but after they broke up with me they pretty much immediately started having sex with one of their close friends and I feel like since then it's become a fear or anxiety of mine. The reason they broke up with me to begin with was because they wanted to move away to another city with their best friend (same sex) and weren't willing to wait for me to finish post-secondary school to go with them. I also found out that they were going out for food 1-on-1 with friends of the attracted sex and that felt pretty uncomfortable to me. Since then, it's just kind of felt to me like friends and other people just cause problems, and that I just want it to be me and them and no one else. I remember after they broke up with me and I found out about everything I started thinking "I wish everyone else could disappear and it could just be me and them in a world with no one else".
I know this is "unhealthy" or "unrealistic", but I don't really want to accept that. I feel like my whole life I've always craved very close connection. I remember my partner would tell me that the reason they thought friendship and socialization was unappealing to me was because it seemed to them like I craved a really, really close type of connection that friendship wouldn't provide to me. They told me that it seemed like I was awkward and uncomfortable in most social situations because it just was never "close" enough for me, and because it felt too far away, I had some nervous instinct to try and get out of it. I needed to have a profoundly close relationship. I think they were right, but it seems to me like that is just something that the vast majority of people don't want. And even people who do crave connection the way I do are probably "diseased" and people tell me that these types of relationships are usually unsuccessful and full of hurt.
Still, part of me wishes for this type of relationship. Just me and my wife, no one else to get in the way. We could spend time as just us two, no one would bother us or get between us. I know it would probably never work, but part of me will probably always wish for it. I think that's just how I am, or at least that's what numerous different people have told me throughout my life. I connect differently, I think.
I've never really had a social drive, like at all. I've only been in one relationship, and when I was in a relationship I would only really ever go out to "socialize" if my partner was there, because it was a reason to spend more time with them. Otherwise it never really interested me, I've always been antisocial and more of a homebody. I loved going out with them but otherwise I just didn't care. I think the whole time we were together (~2 years) there was MAYBE one or two times I went out with friends and he wasn't there. I would play video games online with friends sometimes, but I don't count that and even that was infrequent. I just never had any desire for it, and I don't think it ever really caused any problems. I was content with them being pretty much the only person who I knew beyond an acquaintance or coworker level. Whenever they were at work or school I was always ok just doing independent hobbies or other things, and wouldn't really get lonely even if I wasn't spending time with anyone. If anything, I would just miss them.
I feel like in relationships, other people can cause problems. I dealt with my partner having flirty friends, people trying to hit on them in bars... For most of the relationship it wasn't really an issue because I knew they were loyal to me, but after they broke up with me they pretty much immediately started having sex with one of their close friends and I feel like since then it's become a fear or anxiety of mine. The reason they broke up with me to begin with was because they wanted to move away to another city with their best friend (same sex) and weren't willing to wait for me to finish post-secondary school to go with them. I also found out that they were going out for food 1-on-1 with friends of the attracted sex and that felt pretty uncomfortable to me. Since then, it's just kind of felt to me like friends and other people just cause problems, and that I just want it to be me and them and no one else. I remember after they broke up with me and I found out about everything I started thinking "I wish everyone else could disappear and it could just be me and them in a world with no one else".
I know this is "unhealthy" or "unrealistic", but I don't really want to accept that. I feel like my whole life I've always craved very close connection. I remember my partner would tell me that the reason they thought friendship and socialization was unappealing to me was because it seemed to them like I craved a really, really close type of connection that friendship wouldn't provide to me. They told me that it seemed like I was awkward and uncomfortable in most social situations because it just was never "close" enough for me, and because it felt too far away, I had some nervous instinct to try and get out of it. I needed to have a profoundly close relationship. I think they were right, but it seems to me like that is just something that the vast majority of people don't want. And even people who do crave connection the way I do are probably "diseased" and people tell me that these types of relationships are usually unsuccessful and full of hurt.
Still, part of me wishes for this type of relationship. Just me and my wife, no one else to get in the way. We could spend time as just us two, no one would bother us or get between us. I know it would probably never work, but part of me will probably always wish for it. I think that's just how I am, or at least that's what numerous different people have told me throughout my life. I connect differently, I think.