I don’t understand what I have

[foreverclear]

I've never been diagnosed with anything, mostly because I'm scared it'll end up on my record that I have mental issues and it'll limit me, but Im curious to know if I have something serious. I don't like to self diagnose, but I feel like it's something like depression. Ever since I was a kid, I knew I wanted to be gone. Before I even knew that people committed on purpose, I used to pray that God would let something bad happen to me. Now I'm older, a freshman in college and I feel extremely suicidal at some points. The thing is that even when I do feel that way, it's not like I am in my bed for weeks at a time, I am still going through the motions of life like anyone else, but inside I feel like there's nothing. I've never SH'd or anything, I have a really good life, I think I'm pretty and funny for the most part, I'm just confused as to why I want to end it so bad. There will be random days of sadness and then it's over and I think to myself like why did I feel that way in the first place. It could be because of ocd, which I do actually have. But now I'm seeing behaviors in my little sister that I had when I was a kid, and I'm really scared for her. I probably won't go anywhere to get diagnosed, but I thought I'd just put my thought out there.

 

[hurb]

I am still going through the motions of life like anyone else

and that's where u r wrong my friend

 

[tonicer]

I went to a bunch of psychologists and even was at a day hospital for half a year when i was a teenager. I don't really know if it helped me but i am still here at almost 43 so i guess it worked a bit. I don't ever truly feel happy and always have the thought of just wanting to disappear.

You should talk with your sister about how she feels and be as good of a sibling to her as you can. We older folks might be broken without a chance of ever being repaired fully but with our experience we can maybe help others not get as broken in the first place.

 

[foreverclear]

I went to a bunch of psychologists and even was at a day hospital for half a year when i was a teenager. I don't really know if it helped me but i am still here at almost 43 so i guess it worked a bit. I don't ever truly feel happy and always have the thought of just wanting to disappear.

You should talk with your sister about how she feels and be as good of a sibling to her as you can. We older folks might be broken without a chance of ever being repaired fully but with our experience we can maybe help others not get as broken in the first place.

For sure, I talk to her a lot, it's harder when I'm at college though. She's really little and I'm scared for her because she thinks the same way that I do. I agree 100%, I wish someone could've talked to me as a kid. I always tell her to tell me how she feels and reassure her and listen, I won't let her feel like she has no one to talk to.

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

Ok, first, nothing is going to end up on your record in any way that will limit you. The only thing that could cause that is if you are involuntarily sent to the psych ward, and even then, it only limits a couple things. Second, figuring out what's actually happening is for the best, for the best for you and everyone in your life. I've seen elderly people get diagnosed for things that could've been treated, but instead, they went through their lives suffering for no reason, and causing suffering for others, which again was needless, and really just fucking sad. Don't be like them! There are so many different types of treatments now for different issues, you could probably really benefit from them, but only if you can take that first step & ask for help. I wish you the best whatever you decide.

 

[tonicer]

For sure, I talk to her a lot, it's harder when I'm at college though. She's really little and I'm scared for her because she thinks the same way that I do. I agree 100%, I wish someone could've talked to me as a kid. I always tell her to tell me how she feels and reassure her and listen, I won't let her feel like she has no one to talk to.

You sound like a good sibling. I am happy for your little sister and you since it might help you too. :)

 

[Forever Sleep]

This isn't a substitution for official diagnosis but, this is the kind of thing doctors get you to fill in:

Patient health questionnaire

The Patient Health Questionnaire (PHQ-9) is an easy-to-use patient questionnaire for screening, diagnosing, monitoring and measuring the severity of depression.

patient.info

As I understand it, depression is more likely to be diagnosed when multiple symptoms are present. When there is a change in the person's mood or behaviour. So- formerly fun things no longer are. Changes in sleeping, eating patterns and sexual desire etc. Alongside their intensity and frequency.

I suppose I believe that we know what it's like to be us- more than anyone else. If we feel like something is wrong or different- it probably is. The severity of it is more complicated though.

I was initially relieved with a mild to moderate depression diagnosis years ago. Because I (naively) thought taking a few pills might fix it. Truthfully, after the first course made no difference, I lost faith and I don't feel so bad now as to let them experiment with other drugs or treatments.

Still, it maybe worth you at least trying to talk to someone. Have you tried therapy at all? That was my route. Therapy > Doctor> diagnosis and antidepressants.

I don't even know they're right though. I don't think they really understand the brain and diagnosing via symptoms seems very woolly to me.

I'm sure you can be high functioning and still be depressed though. One in three people at my friend's workplace was on anti-depressants! Says quite a lot. I doubt you get them without a diagnosis of depression. I can be high functioning enough when I need to be. I've held down mid management jobs. I can still enjoy stuff. I just think life overall isn't worth it and I'm tired of the effort it requires.