luma
Member
- Jul 31, 2025
- 8
What the title says. I think I had my final straw today. I've been struggling for a long time, but there was a hope that I clung onto, and it was destroyed.
I've been wanting to leave this world because I simply cannot function in this society. The thought of needing a job to survive hurts. I don't care how pathetic it sounds--I sincerely would rather die than work a job that I hate. I have a few passions, but they're all art-related. It'd be too risky to pursue any of them as a career, and I don't want to leech off of anyone for money. Plus, turning any of them into a job would likely kill my passion for it. I don't dream of labor. My biggest goal in life has always been to find love. I know that's unhealthy, but I can't change such a deeply-rooted desire. I've tried to work on myself, find other things to dream about, but nothing has come close to the fulfilling feeling of being in love. For me, the pain of life would be worth suffering through if it meant I had someone by my side.
I was pretty much set on ending my life this summer (as in, I decided I was going to do it at some point). I thought nothing would change my mind, but I met someone out of nowhere and I started to like them, and I found a glimmer of hope. At first, I actually tried to reject this hope because I didn't want anything getting in the way of me wanting to CTB. That didn't work though, and when I started to feel a little happier, I clung onto that hope for dear life. I knew I shouldn't have, but there was nothing else keeping me here.
They told me they liked me last night, and I was ecstatic. The only problem is that they live 3 hours away, which might not seem terribly far, but neither of us own a car. Long distance has never been a problem for me, but they don't feel the same. Regardless, we thought we would just live in the moment for that night. We cuddled, and it was lovely, but I couldn't stop thinking about them leaving the next morning. When they finally did leave, reality sunk in, and I immediately started crying. It felt like a dream come true until it didn't. It was the hardest I've cried in a long while, but it wasn't only about this specific situation. It was just the last straw.
Anyway, I don't think I want to stay here much longer. There's a part of me that wants to stay though--I still want to find love like I always wanted, but I just don't seem to care enough about living if I'm not experiencing love in the present. I can't find the courage to keep going. If anyone has any words of advice or comfort, please let me know. I think I really need that right now. If not, that's fine too. Thanks for reading my silly little rant <3
I've been wanting to leave this world because I simply cannot function in this society. The thought of needing a job to survive hurts. I don't care how pathetic it sounds--I sincerely would rather die than work a job that I hate. I have a few passions, but they're all art-related. It'd be too risky to pursue any of them as a career, and I don't want to leech off of anyone for money. Plus, turning any of them into a job would likely kill my passion for it. I don't dream of labor. My biggest goal in life has always been to find love. I know that's unhealthy, but I can't change such a deeply-rooted desire. I've tried to work on myself, find other things to dream about, but nothing has come close to the fulfilling feeling of being in love. For me, the pain of life would be worth suffering through if it meant I had someone by my side.
I was pretty much set on ending my life this summer (as in, I decided I was going to do it at some point). I thought nothing would change my mind, but I met someone out of nowhere and I started to like them, and I found a glimmer of hope. At first, I actually tried to reject this hope because I didn't want anything getting in the way of me wanting to CTB. That didn't work though, and when I started to feel a little happier, I clung onto that hope for dear life. I knew I shouldn't have, but there was nothing else keeping me here.
They told me they liked me last night, and I was ecstatic. The only problem is that they live 3 hours away, which might not seem terribly far, but neither of us own a car. Long distance has never been a problem for me, but they don't feel the same. Regardless, we thought we would just live in the moment for that night. We cuddled, and it was lovely, but I couldn't stop thinking about them leaving the next morning. When they finally did leave, reality sunk in, and I immediately started crying. It felt like a dream come true until it didn't. It was the hardest I've cried in a long while, but it wasn't only about this specific situation. It was just the last straw.
Anyway, I don't think I want to stay here much longer. There's a part of me that wants to stay though--I still want to find love like I always wanted, but I just don't seem to care enough about living if I'm not experiencing love in the present. I can't find the courage to keep going. If anyone has any words of advice or comfort, please let me know. I think I really need that right now. If not, that's fine too. Thanks for reading my silly little rant <3
