Venting I don't recognize myself anymore

[RestlessTaiga]

For months I've been thinking about this, how I am and how I though I was going to be, and I think I finally came to a conclusion.

I'm am no longer the person how I was or how I wanted to be.

Sometimes I look back in old photos of myself and think how low I've fallen, I don't recognize the boy I was, i used to have a smile full of joy, but now? I think I have lost the Ability to do that.

I always assumed the best of people, I believed that everyone was at minimum a good person, I don't believe in that anymore, and I hate that fact.

Each day that passes, a part of me dies, I've lost interest in my hobbies, interest in trying to better myself, I don't even try to socialize anymore, not with my friends, not with my family, nobody.

The only thing that I recognize in myself now is rage and despair, for several weeks the only thing I can think is how much I want to hurt someone, and I don't even know I, I don't like that, I don't want to think that way, I never wanted to.

I don't recognize myself anymore, I don't feel like myself, sometimes I look in the mirror and can see my face.

This probably doesn't make any sense, even to me, I don't know if I'm writing this correctly, and I really don't care if do, my mind is a mess.

 

[r.m.216]

I can relate entirely. I am so sorry you're going through this

 

[fedup1982]

A while back I realised that holding onto hate for anyone is just self destructive. What they say is true, forgiveness leads to healing.

Yes, there are bad people out there. But I've come to the conclusion is they're bad for a reason, and choice is an illusion. They probably had a bad childhood and had bad genes, it's not their fault. This has allowed me to forgive bad people, even people who have seriously wronged me, and I'm much happier for it

 

[25jiyuki]

For months I've been thinking about this, how I am and how I though I was going to be, and I think I finally came to a conclusion.

I'm am no longer the person how I was or how I wanted to be.

Sometimes I look back in old photos of myself and think how low I've fallen, I don't recognize the boy I was, i used to have a smile full of joy, but now? I think I have lost the Ability to do that.

I always assumed the best of people, I believed that everyone was at minimum a good person, I don't believe in that anymore, and I hate that fact.

Each day that passes, a part of me dies, I've lost interest in my hobbies, interest in trying to better myself, I don't even try to socialize anymore, not with my friends, not with my family, nobody.

The only thing that I recognize in myself now is rage and despair, for several weeks the only thing I can think is how much I want to hurt someone, and I don't even know I, I don't like that, I don't want to think that way, I never wanted to.

I don't recognize myself anymore, I don't feel like myself, sometimes I look in the mirror and can see my face.

This probably doesn't make any sense, even to me, I don't know if I'm writing this correctly, and I really don't care if do, my mind is a mess.

I feel the same as you.
"Every day, a part of me dies"

I feel like there is a part of myself still alive, that just withers down everyday. I'm not truly living. Just going on in desperate hope to find myself again. But I know it's pointless, and I should just die.

What a cruel kind of suffering, to lose your own self.

 

[Pale_Rider]

Yes I have seen changes in myself as well. really it started in my teens the suicidal ideations. Of course Im not one, but we used to traverse the world differently with a machine mindset. Indeed we still do, but suicide was not in our vocabulary even though it was. That objective has bubbled to the survive, and we admit the world sucks. That continuing forward is pointless, and only serves to wallow in more pain at the behest of others. Just acknowledging that reality is a beginning perhaps.