Venting I don't know

[Junkhead]

I am 20 years old and have wasted almost my entire youth with depression to the point I feel like it has permanently shaped my brain and I have come to the realization that it only gets worse each year and it terrifies me for what's about to come. I recently had the most suicidal episode I've ever had and I experienced almost uncontrollable impulses and it's so terrifying how bad it can get. I remember when I was younger and I thought it wasn't a big deal because I couldn't grasp how people actually commit suicide despite being depressed and now here I am. I hate myself so deeply. I overthink everything and zone out 24/7. I have done so much drugs to become more confident, but the comedown on almost every drug is gut-wrenching when I have to face reality again. I have obsessive and intrusive thoughts which makes my life hell. I seriously feel like the most pathetic, stupid and ugly loser in the world and I genuinely feel it so much. I have a loving girlfriend who I love more than anything and I am somehow experiencing heartbreak. It's gut wrenching and I feel like I have been cheated on, even when that never happened. My mind makes everything hell, especially the things that I love in my life so I feel trapped because my mind even attacks love and makes something negative about it which becomes my reality. I don't know why, maybe I am just very insecure. Everything I do is a failed attempt to cope with how much my life sucks. No matter what I do. I feel like a prisoner in my own mind. I don't think I will be here for much longer because I can't handle this heartbreak and gut wrenching feeling that is always with me. Life feels like a deep heartbreak all the time, and I can't handle heartbreak and don't understand how people survive a bad heartbreak because im so weak and dependent like if my girlfriend left me I would just kill myself and it would be an easy choice because I am weak and cannot handle more heartbreak than I already feel all the time. I don't know why I am stuck with this feeling. Everything is so painful and brutal.