So, hello! I'm not in a great way. This is for a lot of reasons. But briefly, my relationship is pretty bad. Whilst materially things are looking up and certain events has made my partner realise he can't do certain things and get away with it, he doesn't look after his mental health and looks to me for guidance. Things that have happened throughout our relationship have had a lasting and material damage on my mental health and ability to stay employed (i was assaulted by police officers after he assaulted me, he admits this and is also traumatised by what the police did, they gave me a caution to silence me, which was effective). Thing is, although violence has been present in our relationship, the only person at risk pf killing me is me. Unless he got really drunk, that wouldn't happen. So going to a refuge feels like a waste when they are pulled for resources for those that really do need them. I also have a history of issues with women (sexual abuse by a female relative, poor friendships and bullying at an all girls' school etc.). I feel my situation would end up with me losing all the stability I do have as my partner will never force me to leave as that's the last thing he wants, is for me to leave or anything to change. Another point is that I'd been genuinely isolated (not spoken to anyone other than a professional of some kind or because of their job in some way) for about 5 years prior to this.
Anyway, a couple of years ago, just over, I had a welfare check concerning an email I'd sent. This was conducted by a male and a female officer. Never got their names and for reasons that will become clear, I didn't remenber the man's face but fearures like eyes and lips. Given what has happened to me, I'm distrustful and I won't go down the route of criminal charges against pretty much anyone to be honest, I really don't like the police much. So they turned up, I was a bit confused and a little scared. The male officer asked if I wanted to talk to the female officer and I said no, as in it was fine. He then started asking a few questions. I mentioned I didn't like private numbers (I'd hung up a couple of times just hoping they'd go away). He was kind of weird and responded he was sorry but they're not allowed to use non-private numbers. Like, he was edging close to a safeguarding issue because he would've loved to have given me his number.
He then went on to explain why they were there and if they could take me to a shelter. I remember looking at him for the longest time and we just stared at each other. I starred smiling and he had this triumphant look on his face. He did almost win. But I had to say no and he looked really sad. He then started asking other questions. How long me and my partner had been together, about me dropping out. He got really annoyed and said he really wanted to talk to my partner. He didn't ask me to get him though, he sort of pushed out his chest and tried to get round me, then got weirded out by the fact our front door handle doesn't exist with some old electrical tape wound round the broken end. He couldn't shove his way in easily and I had to calm him down. I held my hands out as a peaceful gesture and asked him to not do it because I was asking him. He seemed to do some counting down in his head or something and physically relaxed a bit. But then he started getting really close, like I had to lean my head away as he was trying to, once again, convince me to leave with him/them. We talked about not having a job and my autism diagnosis and said he could refer me to social services for that, maybe they could help me find a job, and then randomly offered librarian with a bit of a smirk at me. It felt more like he was imagining a sexy librarian if I'm honest. At one point when he was looking at me, he was asking what brought me to the area. Only, rather than where we are he said his hometown. He really didn't notice either until I started looking confused. He then gave me the excuse he'd just moved here from there and it'd been a long day. Whilst I'm sure it had, I call bullshit on that being why. Even his colleague did that looking from one person to the next, third wheel thing. He gave me a lot of advice and emphasised at one point (I said I was going home to my parents for a bit) that I could come back and do stuff here in a rather encouraging way.
I went home for a month and came back. I had quite a few weird experiences, particularly initially - a patrol car went slowly forward and back which never happens behind my house when I was smoking weed (important), which I had cut down massively to the point of basically quitting. I have never seen this before or since. They do come by but there's no reason for them to turn around and no reason for them to go curb crawling ly slow. I don't think there appeared to be people and people would probably get out of the way of a police car so it could move more quickly. So the first of a few events that could be plausibly denied.
Then a patrol car started speeding quite quickly without lights on an a road I walk on. It turns round and pulls up at a bus stop, far enough forward in my estimation that the driver could lean over and talk to.someone out of the window. I got a bit freaked out, as it was dark and although I thought it was this guy I couldn't be sure. I decided to quickly cross the road. The police car immediately pulled out, the lights went green for me immediately meaning he had to stop. The car then managed to stall which is weird because police drivers in the UK are forced to do advanced driving courses. It then did a u-turn, returning to the side it was originally on with no lights or sirens, again, illegal as an advanced driver should know. But they squealed away in quite an emotional way and it was just odd. And it made me panic.
I then was walking on my usual walking route (he may have seen me walk there and he patrols around here/knows where I live...) and there's some car spaces near the railway on an adjacent road to the one I was walking on. There was a car pulling in as I crossed over to that side. It had pulled round quite quickly, parked and attracted my attention to it. There was a guy grinning at me but I was kind of panicky because of the suddenness of it. He was making eye contact with me but I don't know if he was someone else or that police officer. He had a generic face for around here, lovely but one you'd need to see in context of knowing them a few times before it becomes distinct.
I sent a message around this time, I kind of meant it to be encouraging but I think the maturer, more motherly part of me fucked that up on purpose. The message basically said that the officers had both helped me and I hoped they knew how kind and supportive they were, we need more officers like that. And how we will probably never see each other again so I'd use that as a way to communicate my gratitude. I asked for them to let me know if they'd received it which they did.
Those kind of incidents stopped. I saw the female officer once and she seemed to recognise me in a friendly enough way, certainly not concerned or anything. Ponderous maybe. I was walking back across the road where I had the car horn incident. I realised a police car had stopped and was waiting for me already. That was weird because I was no where near ready to cross do they had to know I would. Then they stalled the car. The second time in my life I've noticed that and I notice cars stalling, it's often quite loud. I didn't look but waved my thanks. It wasn't until after I realised I should've just looked but idk. I was scared.
Then roll forward to a couple of weeks ago. My partner was trying his best the day before my birthday but it was hot and I got hot and a bit miserable. He wanted to stop at Tesco and I wanted a coffee or something to help me feel a bit more alert (probably wasn't a great idea anyway) and basically, I stayed in the car and he came back with a meal deal and before he'd said anything I snapped and said thanks for buying me lunch (he already seemed annoyed and I thought he was punishing me). He got upset because he thought we could share it and then we were going to go to Starbucks or Costa. I just wanted to go home so kind of forgot about that. But before I could apologise, he had already started driving off and just ranting at me. He hit his head against the steering wheel and continued to drive us whilst screaming at me. I asked him to stop driving whilst he felt that way and gave me the option to leave (I felt tired and ill from the heat, it wasn't a short walk to my house and I felt even more drained by what he was doing so I couldn't leave, I was also humiliated by the scene he was making because he hadn't pulled up but was in the middle of the road). We got further along and I kept on asking him to stop. He wouldn't. I ended up silently calling 999. It went through and I could hear the operator say some stuff and then hang up shortly after my partner audibly was rage screaming at me.
So we get home very soon after this. I tell him after I've sat quietly for a few minutes just getting screamed at that I rang the police and he should go to his mum and dad's. He just coldly said no and carried on a bit and then had a few bongs (big part of his problem) and calmed down a bit. I can't remember how long it took, probably ten minutes for them to try and ring me. I wouldn't answer but interestingly they used a private number and then got a switchboard to ring me several times. I then got a knock on the door. It was a lone female officer. This is important as that shouldn't happen. I've also never received a single officer before. So in an emergency situation (potentially) it seemed weird. She asked questions. I was generally evasive. She asked to see my partner on his own and then said our stories matched etc. She then asked me some odd questions that might be routine but idk. These included had I been harassed or stalked by anyone other than my partner in the last two years. I also noticed a police van was parked up facing us. I didn't stare but I really don't think she was alone. Why wouldn't you escort your female colleague?
I did have an incident around Christmas which may have led to an email from a police officer separate to this which I eventually responded to emotionally referencing police officers doing wrong by me. I shouldn't have done it but it was totally ignored. I assumed she thought I was crazy but now I wonder if it led to more and he was okay job wise but was erring on the side of caution interacting with me again.
I basically just want to know if I'm actually insane or not. I'd like to know so I know when I'm gaslighting myself and when I am fairly judging my beliefs as corrupted or stupid or whatever.
I also really care about this guy. I didn't want him to fuck up his career. But I'm still in a lonely place. And the stress of feeling judged and watched by him without getting to tell him how I feel just feels cruel. And I'd have totally forgotten about him at this point if he'd not done anything.
But then maybe he didn't do anything and I'm insane. I'm not getting mental healthcare I need so it really should be time to CTB. But if I could possibly meet someone and have a kid in the next few years then I'd be happy. But it seems impossible. And I never thought I'd meet anyone like this (I rarely like people this much and him being a kind professional doesn't mean shit, I really do need to feel my interest is reciprocated and think I'm more likely to underestimate than overstate my attractiveness to others).
I'll add more if anyone cares to respond. I just needed to vent and thought this would be an okay place to do that. If I don't, I think ill attempt a very stupid way to CTB and it'll make all this worse.
Anyway, a couple of years ago, just over, I had a welfare check concerning an email I'd sent. This was conducted by a male and a female officer. Never got their names and for reasons that will become clear, I didn't remenber the man's face but fearures like eyes and lips. Given what has happened to me, I'm distrustful and I won't go down the route of criminal charges against pretty much anyone to be honest, I really don't like the police much. So they turned up, I was a bit confused and a little scared. The male officer asked if I wanted to talk to the female officer and I said no, as in it was fine. He then started asking a few questions. I mentioned I didn't like private numbers (I'd hung up a couple of times just hoping they'd go away). He was kind of weird and responded he was sorry but they're not allowed to use non-private numbers. Like, he was edging close to a safeguarding issue because he would've loved to have given me his number.
He then went on to explain why they were there and if they could take me to a shelter. I remember looking at him for the longest time and we just stared at each other. I starred smiling and he had this triumphant look on his face. He did almost win. But I had to say no and he looked really sad. He then started asking other questions. How long me and my partner had been together, about me dropping out. He got really annoyed and said he really wanted to talk to my partner. He didn't ask me to get him though, he sort of pushed out his chest and tried to get round me, then got weirded out by the fact our front door handle doesn't exist with some old electrical tape wound round the broken end. He couldn't shove his way in easily and I had to calm him down. I held my hands out as a peaceful gesture and asked him to not do it because I was asking him. He seemed to do some counting down in his head or something and physically relaxed a bit. But then he started getting really close, like I had to lean my head away as he was trying to, once again, convince me to leave with him/them. We talked about not having a job and my autism diagnosis and said he could refer me to social services for that, maybe they could help me find a job, and then randomly offered librarian with a bit of a smirk at me. It felt more like he was imagining a sexy librarian if I'm honest. At one point when he was looking at me, he was asking what brought me to the area. Only, rather than where we are he said his hometown. He really didn't notice either until I started looking confused. He then gave me the excuse he'd just moved here from there and it'd been a long day. Whilst I'm sure it had, I call bullshit on that being why. Even his colleague did that looking from one person to the next, third wheel thing. He gave me a lot of advice and emphasised at one point (I said I was going home to my parents for a bit) that I could come back and do stuff here in a rather encouraging way.
I went home for a month and came back. I had quite a few weird experiences, particularly initially - a patrol car went slowly forward and back which never happens behind my house when I was smoking weed (important), which I had cut down massively to the point of basically quitting. I have never seen this before or since. They do come by but there's no reason for them to turn around and no reason for them to go curb crawling ly slow. I don't think there appeared to be people and people would probably get out of the way of a police car so it could move more quickly. So the first of a few events that could be plausibly denied.
Then a patrol car started speeding quite quickly without lights on an a road I walk on. It turns round and pulls up at a bus stop, far enough forward in my estimation that the driver could lean over and talk to.someone out of the window. I got a bit freaked out, as it was dark and although I thought it was this guy I couldn't be sure. I decided to quickly cross the road. The police car immediately pulled out, the lights went green for me immediately meaning he had to stop. The car then managed to stall which is weird because police drivers in the UK are forced to do advanced driving courses. It then did a u-turn, returning to the side it was originally on with no lights or sirens, again, illegal as an advanced driver should know. But they squealed away in quite an emotional way and it was just odd. And it made me panic.
I then was walking on my usual walking route (he may have seen me walk there and he patrols around here/knows where I live...) and there's some car spaces near the railway on an adjacent road to the one I was walking on. There was a car pulling in as I crossed over to that side. It had pulled round quite quickly, parked and attracted my attention to it. There was a guy grinning at me but I was kind of panicky because of the suddenness of it. He was making eye contact with me but I don't know if he was someone else or that police officer. He had a generic face for around here, lovely but one you'd need to see in context of knowing them a few times before it becomes distinct.
I sent a message around this time, I kind of meant it to be encouraging but I think the maturer, more motherly part of me fucked that up on purpose. The message basically said that the officers had both helped me and I hoped they knew how kind and supportive they were, we need more officers like that. And how we will probably never see each other again so I'd use that as a way to communicate my gratitude. I asked for them to let me know if they'd received it which they did.
Those kind of incidents stopped. I saw the female officer once and she seemed to recognise me in a friendly enough way, certainly not concerned or anything. Ponderous maybe. I was walking back across the road where I had the car horn incident. I realised a police car had stopped and was waiting for me already. That was weird because I was no where near ready to cross do they had to know I would. Then they stalled the car. The second time in my life I've noticed that and I notice cars stalling, it's often quite loud. I didn't look but waved my thanks. It wasn't until after I realised I should've just looked but idk. I was scared.
Then roll forward to a couple of weeks ago. My partner was trying his best the day before my birthday but it was hot and I got hot and a bit miserable. He wanted to stop at Tesco and I wanted a coffee or something to help me feel a bit more alert (probably wasn't a great idea anyway) and basically, I stayed in the car and he came back with a meal deal and before he'd said anything I snapped and said thanks for buying me lunch (he already seemed annoyed and I thought he was punishing me). He got upset because he thought we could share it and then we were going to go to Starbucks or Costa. I just wanted to go home so kind of forgot about that. But before I could apologise, he had already started driving off and just ranting at me. He hit his head against the steering wheel and continued to drive us whilst screaming at me. I asked him to stop driving whilst he felt that way and gave me the option to leave (I felt tired and ill from the heat, it wasn't a short walk to my house and I felt even more drained by what he was doing so I couldn't leave, I was also humiliated by the scene he was making because he hadn't pulled up but was in the middle of the road). We got further along and I kept on asking him to stop. He wouldn't. I ended up silently calling 999. It went through and I could hear the operator say some stuff and then hang up shortly after my partner audibly was rage screaming at me.
So we get home very soon after this. I tell him after I've sat quietly for a few minutes just getting screamed at that I rang the police and he should go to his mum and dad's. He just coldly said no and carried on a bit and then had a few bongs (big part of his problem) and calmed down a bit. I can't remember how long it took, probably ten minutes for them to try and ring me. I wouldn't answer but interestingly they used a private number and then got a switchboard to ring me several times. I then got a knock on the door. It was a lone female officer. This is important as that shouldn't happen. I've also never received a single officer before. So in an emergency situation (potentially) it seemed weird. She asked questions. I was generally evasive. She asked to see my partner on his own and then said our stories matched etc. She then asked me some odd questions that might be routine but idk. These included had I been harassed or stalked by anyone other than my partner in the last two years. I also noticed a police van was parked up facing us. I didn't stare but I really don't think she was alone. Why wouldn't you escort your female colleague?
I did have an incident around Christmas which may have led to an email from a police officer separate to this which I eventually responded to emotionally referencing police officers doing wrong by me. I shouldn't have done it but it was totally ignored. I assumed she thought I was crazy but now I wonder if it led to more and he was okay job wise but was erring on the side of caution interacting with me again.
I basically just want to know if I'm actually insane or not. I'd like to know so I know when I'm gaslighting myself and when I am fairly judging my beliefs as corrupted or stupid or whatever.
I also really care about this guy. I didn't want him to fuck up his career. But I'm still in a lonely place. And the stress of feeling judged and watched by him without getting to tell him how I feel just feels cruel. And I'd have totally forgotten about him at this point if he'd not done anything.
But then maybe he didn't do anything and I'm insane. I'm not getting mental healthcare I need so it really should be time to CTB. But if I could possibly meet someone and have a kid in the next few years then I'd be happy. But it seems impossible. And I never thought I'd meet anyone like this (I rarely like people this much and him being a kind professional doesn't mean shit, I really do need to feel my interest is reciprocated and think I'm more likely to underestimate than overstate my attractiveness to others).
I'll add more if anyone cares to respond. I just needed to vent and thought this would be an okay place to do that. If I don't, I think ill attempt a very stupid way to CTB and it'll make all this worse.
