Venting I don't know what to do

[wishingonstars]

I'm not sure if this post belongs here or in recovery but I'll post it here for now because I'm undecided. I posted in recovery a while ago with all sorts of plans for everything I was going to do to try to get better and everything is falling apart and I don't know if I even want to get better anymore, I have almost given up trying.

The only thing that is keeping me is my younger sibling who I know has the capability of doing amazing things, I know if I ctb it could derail everything for them. Plus my mom could not handle it. But that's all that's keeping me and I know I need to just keep going, my pain cannot be worse than the pain I would cause to everyone I left behind. It's just so hard and I can't keep doing this, I don't know how I will not fall apart completely. I will eventually lose my job because my brain hasn't been working and I can't work if I can't think at all.

My mom told me recently I never think of anyone but myself and never do things that help others if they are an inconvenience to myself. I know this is not true because right away I thought of a good example of a time I helped her at huge inconvenience to myself and she had no response so I know it was correct. Even then though I worry she is at least partially right. I am autistic and maybe I am being selfish all the time. I try to be kind but I don't notice things about people the way I should. I think maybe the things I do for others are just because doing kind things makes ME feel better. It feels good to be kind but also it makes me feel like I'm not a total waste, I'm not smart, I can't achieve anything but at least I can help people. I think I've overestimated what I actually do for others though, I worry that people just don't say anything because they don't want to burst my bubble that I am not in fact a kind person because they know it's all I have. It's the only good thing I can ever say about myself.

Anyway the biggest thing I was going to try to do was go to a residential mental health recovery place, however I learned that my insurance won't cover anything out of state and there are no options in my state. I refuse to to put in an inpatient hospital because I know I will be traumatized even worse so there's nothing. I need to see if I can change my insurance plan but insurance confuses me and doesn't make any sense on the best of days let alone now when I can't process reading anything technical. Plus I don't even know if I could afford a different plan.

I don't understand why if society really doesn't want people to kill themselves they make it so impossible to get help.

And yes I have been in therapy for the last 18 years of my life, I have tried a variety of meds but the ones that finally worked are no longer working. I have done CBT, DBT, art therapy, talk therapy, animal therapy, EMDR, IFS, so much and my brain is just broken beyond repair. My therapist thinks I can get better and I want to believe them because they are a fantastic therapist and wouldn't say it if they didn't think it was true but I think maybe I'm just not meant for this world.

It pains me that I want to leave so badly because there is so much in the world that is so absolutely beautiful beyond comprehension but there is also so much pain and horror that is also incomprehensible and most days all I can see is the horror. I would give anything to not have PTSD, it has ruined my life but I'm stuck with it and there's nothing I can ever do to get rid of it completely.

 

[lost_one]

I am so sorry you feeel this way, life it tough and some days are harder than others, but if you want to keep fighting, keep fighting. If not for yourself, for your younger brother.

You are right you will most likely never get rid of your depression and PTSD, it will always be something you will need to manage, and that is a hard and dissapointing perspective, but it is what it is.

I am in the same boat, so I can't really give you any good advice, just try to find things you find the minimum amound of joy in, and try to keep moving forward. Good luck

 

[dontwakemeup]

It sounds like you have a lot of decisions to make and overwhelmed. I will always say do what is best for YOU! Being autistic means you may have to find a different way to do things. Don't limit yourself, because you then create this prison you feel entrapped in. If you want to get help and inpatient is the only option, I suggest you go and try. I never believed in giving up before trying every option available to you. Maybe going there will give you the help you need and you can also learn different ways to handle situations.