Venting I dont know anymore nor do i care?

[CerebralVortex]

I have no clue why im even alive right now. I was supposed to ctb a few weeks ago, right before finals. I even stopped doing any of the work in my classes for about a month(? Maybe more or less idk) before then. But then my parents and friends said smthn about it, I did work for like a day, basically slept through and skipped my finals, but I still got either a passing grade or an exemption. With how many absences I've had, I absolutely shouldn't have qualified for any, but they still happened. I just feel so useless, like nothing I do or say matters anymore. I feel like a spectator rn. I even skipped one of my classes, the teacher saw me when walking to another room, and still gave me a perfect grade. I just feel invisible right now. A few months ago, I tried to end it and inadvertently told my parents about being SAd by my older sibling in my note, but I don't think they gave a fuck. They still act like hes some perfect person who can do no wrong, and since I still live with them, I have to endure being near him and dealing with his bullshit every fucking day. Since then I've been trying to ctb with partial, but every damn time my legs just lock when I try to relax into it. SI or whatever the fuck it is, I just feel so damn useless. Im the fucker who cant even kill themselves. It's fucking pathetic. Im sorry to ramble like this, I just wanted to throw my thoughts out for whatever damn reason, probably just to vent? Either way I just feel so damn frustrated. I hope i can ctb tn, but I don't even know if i can, given what's been happening. If I don't post or anything after this, hopefully im gone. Again, im sorry for this rambling mess of a post, but hopefully it's still at least a little coherent.

Picture of my friends dog this time, her name is Daisy

 

[gottacheckout]

Feel free to vent, this is one of the few places you can safely do it. You are not invisible here.

Maybe the work you did the rest of the term was good enough to justify your grades.

 

[teeteringontheedge]

The last part - the part about feeling pathetic to fail an suicide attempt... that hits home.

Its been sort of normalized to think that commiting suicide is the losers way out.
That its pathetic to even attempt to commit it. And that failing at the "simple" task of ending ones Life is just embarrasing... the biggest "Failure" one can manage even.
Nevermind awkwardly getting back to the people you already said your final goodbyes too ... ugh i hate remembering each time i had to endure that.


But its actually the opposite ya know.
Failing a suicide is not a failure.. it never is.
It takes sheer Amounts of willpower and determination to commit to it even just once, to be able to write about the SA and on top of that actually delivering the Note and not just hiding or destroying it aswell as returning from the almost-dead back to life despite all the troubles.

Its just quite a shame that they dont seem to care about all of that.