Venting I don't feel so lucky having SN

[Kozu]

As much as I want to ctb, I'm scared of doing it. I'm scared of how it's going to hurt and how I'm going to stop existing.
I wish people who wants or needs SN can get it. But I want you to know that, either it is hard as heck to make a move, or I'm just stupidly weak.
I used to think that with SN I could live hapilly knowing I could end it all anytime. But I realize that I still can't. I have the means, but not the courage. It hits me that I still can't die. Because I'm too scared.
Anyone feels the same?

 

[Bat12]

As much as I want to ctb, I'm scared of doing it. I'm scared of how it's going to hurt and how I'm going to stop existing.
I wish people who wants or needs SN can get it. But I want you to know that, either it is hard as heck to make a move, or I'm just stupidly weak.
I used to think that with SN I could live hapilly knowing I could end it all anytime. But I realize that I still can't. I have the means, but not the courage. It hits me that I still can't die. Because I'm too scared.
Anyone feels the same?

I'm EXACTLY the same. Too many times I've said yeah tonight, maybe get a couple steps into my regime and back out. I know it's not going to hurt and I've been in so much pain before from other things but I physically cannot commit, or at least just right now. This has been going on for FOREVER though, multiple methods including SN

 

[daydreamer52]

I feel exactly the same, I have almost all there is to have for the SN method, I was happy for some time since I thought I was in control of my own death and could decide when I wanted to die, but the day I decided to do it I failed. I really thought it would be sooo easy but it's not. I couldn't bring myself to drink it, I felt so uneasy, even while I was preparing the drink I was shaking. I really can't tell you what I was afraid of, it wasn't something in specific, there's just this invisible force that was stopping me. But I still wished I had done it, I'll try again in January. I hope we both find the peace we're looking for.

 

[Gangrel]

I feel the same, i know i can do it, i can just fucking end this suffering, but i'm too scared and i always back out, it's extremely frustrating, if anything it just made me more scared of it since it's so close to me.

 

[unluckysadness]

I feel the same. I thought I would be less anxious about having a ready-made method at home but it doesn't solve your problems.
Having a method is like having an insurance, but having an insurance doesn't necessarily give you peace.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yes- because we still have to drink it- not really knowing what will happen to us. I wonder how confident any of us would be with a glass of it mixed up in front of us.

Plus, we risked and sometimes got welfair checks to get it so, I prickle a little when people call it 'lucky' to have. We basically bought something and, suffered the consequences. Of course, it may not in fact be as simple for some- if they live with parents, don't have access to money etc. So, I'm probably being unfair.

Also- mine expires this coming year so- that's on my mind. I've been trying to hold on for my Dad to go first. It made sense to buy it though- a couple of years back- because it seemed obvious it would become harder to get.

But, it feels a long way away from some magical powder that will always be on hand to give us a peaceful exit. More like- a shot in the dark if we become really desperate. It still appeals more than other methods although my confidence is really only around 50% now probably.

 

[Realog11]

I feel exactly the same, I have almost all there is to have for the SN method, I was happy for some time since I thought I was in control of my own death and could decide when I wanted to die, but the day I decided to do it I failed. I really thought it would be sooo easy but it's not. I couldn't bring myself to drink it, I felt so uneasy, even while I was preparing the drink I was shaking. I really can't tell you what I was afraid of, it wasn't something in specific, there's just this invisible force that was stopping me. But I still wished I had done it, I'll try again in January. I hope we both find the peace we're looking for.

Im trying in January too

 

[Unknown21]

Yeah, the feeling of desperation is back, as before knowing about SN...

I just realized that it's like any other kind of poisoning, nothing is especial about it.

 

[ifihadnever]

Exactly the same. I never saw it being a problem.. ...until I couldn't go through with it. Then one big problem!!! im so frustrated and annoyed at myself. I dont think it's my method as dont think I could manage the 'waiting to die bit' but more instant methods seem more brutal. So right now, I feel totally and utterly stuck. Rubbish feeling isn't it.

 

[Kta1994]

I could've written this myself

 

[clarity]

I felt happy when the SN finally arrived, after spending so much time on here trying to find it. I felt like with SN, compared to other methods like jumping, SN would definitely be easier in terms of SI.

I've completed the 8 hour fast several times before, but to actually drink the thing - SI still hits you hard. You think to yourself how final death is.

 

[Kazu Ha]

I feel the same way...
When the SN arrived, I was genuinely happy. I had a way out and I was excited.

But as the time drew nearer and I actually wanted to take it, I always backed out. The 8 hours of fasting were absolutely no problem, but preparing the SN and then actually drinking it... oh man.
SN will still be my method because hanging or jumping isn't for me.

Next time, I'll try taking benzos (1-3x 10mg diazepam) 1 hour before the SN to maybe counteract the SI a little so that I can really go through with it. Maybe that will help.