I couldn't go

[ForeverCaHa]

I had planned to get the train to Cardiff this afternoon, check-in to the hotel, and go through with my plan tomorrow evening. But I couldn't get on the train. Not for fear of how my plans would impact my family and friends, but because I was too afraid to go to Cardiff. I haven't been there since my partner died, and the thought of being there again makes me feel sick.

However, when I got home, I handed over my SN to my mum. 6 hours of being sat in A&E later and I'm with the crisis team. The triage nurse had to take my blood pressure (standard procedure for all patients apparently), and she saw the scars on my arm from where I have been cutting myself. I felt so embarrassed, it was like someone had walked in on me naked. Fortunately the crisis team didn't ask to check my arms, I didn't want people inspecting me. Someone will be coming to my house tomorrow to follow up on treatment. I don't know how I feel. I'm just empty now. I feel ashamed that I couldn't go through with my plans, embarrassed to have admitted to being actively suicidal, embarrassed that I now have 'self-harm' on my healthcare records.

Even while being sat in the reception area I was writing my future CTB plans in my mind. In the future it will likely be harder to get SN, but it's still my preferred method. Failing that, there are other options available to me. Regardless of what happened with my partner, I still have the overwhelming belief that I will die by suicide, it's just a matter of time.

My day will come, but for better or for worse it won't be tomorrow.

I don't know what my relationship with this forum will be moving forward, but if I do become less active, thank you to everyone who has spoken with me. I've really appreciated the community here. My inbox will always be open to anyone wanting to chat.

Ironically, the crisis team gave me benzos. I wanted to laugh when she asked if I knew what they were. Finally I have them, but it's only after I lost the SN. Just my luck.

 

[CravingPeace]

I've been thinking about you. It may not seem like it now, but you did the right thing for yourself. Prayers for healing for you my friend. I, and we, are here for you through this process.

Keep us updated bud. One love!

 

[Lyn]

We've never interacted before, but I appreciated your presence here and all the replies you've made.

So I just wanted to say that there is no shame in not going through, on the contrary I feel like it takes no less courage to admit to being suicidal both to family and other people.

Though your life situation seems a bit different from mine, it has rubbed off on some of my feelings, albeit from the opposite angle.

You seem like a kind and caring soul.
Take care of yourself for now, and despite things not going as you planned I'll be really glad to see you around here some more.
Or even if you'll choose to distance from this forum for a while.

Anyway please be kind to yourself.

Nothing but love and best wishes to you.

 

[29Forever]

I think you made a wise choice today my friend. You gave yourself a chance and who knows 6 months from now you could be a different person from this intervention, I'm sure your mums going to support you, from speaking to you I can tell you're a smart educated person with a good head on their shoulders and you have a good purposeful job. I hope this is the catalyst for you. All the best x

 

[bankai]

You could have just hidden it in my opinion. That being said, if you're not going to do it in the future and you never want to, fantastic. I hope your parents support you.