Venting I couldn't do it

[Lost Dreamer]

Some background, I was attempting the SN method today. Having a fast metabolism I judged it ok to fast for a single day only, no water or food. I was taking some medication as well in the correct intervals. I remained resolute all the way until the point where I held the cup up to my mouth and saw my hand shake. I tried for around 30 minutes to work myself up to it to no avail. I failed myself, again. I closed the rest of the SN as best I could and now I'm just... thinking about it, wondering why I would choose a slow painful death over a way out.

 

[vak]

I'm so sorry, that must have been a horrible experience SI is a bitch.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

SI sucks. I'm sorry you failed but don't be too hard to yourself. You're not ready yet. Give it some time!!

 

[Mortelles]

Perhaps the reason you chose a slower method is because deep down you want to feel something horrible outwardly to match how you feel internally. I don't know personally but I'm sorry you failed. Maybe you're just not ready to do something so permanent just yet.

 

[Macc_Lad_71]

Some background, I was attempting the SN method today. Having a fast metabolism I judged it ok to fast for a single day only, no water or food. I was taking some medication as well in the correct intervals. I remained resolute all the way until the point where I held the cup up to my mouth and saw my hand shake. I tried for around 30 minutes to work myself up to it to no avail. I failed myself, again. I closed the rest of the SN as best I could and now I'm just... thinking about it, wondering why I would choose a slow painful death over a way out.

it's not your time......go outside and listen to the birds sing

 

[justcallmeJ]

Its ok, ctb is never easy. If it were most of us wouldnt be talking on this forum. Take some time for yourself and self reflect why you couldnt do it.
Best wishes <3

 

[wait.what]

SI is incredibly frustrating, but I wouldn't feel bad about it. Remember you're fighting 3.5 billion years of evolution. Blame the first little single-celled blob that fled its neighbor blob instead of getting eaten.

If need be, you can decide to drink the rest of the SN tomorrow. I second the suggestion that you engage in self-care today.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

SI is incredibly frustrating, but I wouldn't feel bad about it. Remember you're fighting 3.5 billion years of evolution. Blame the first little single-celled blob that fled its neighbor blob instead of getting eaten.

Fuck that blob.

 

[Lost Dreamer]

SI is incredibly frustrating, but I wouldn't feel bad about it. Remember you're fighting 3.5 billion years of evolution. Blame the first little single-celled blob that fled its neighbor blob instead of getting eaten.

If need be, you can decide to drink the rest of the SN tomorrow. I second the suggestion that you engage in self-care today.

Its some strong stuff, makes me wonder just how much control we have over ourselves. From the looks of it, a lot less than one would think. All these little 'routines' that our body undergoes when the conditions are met, urging us to act a certain way.
I am grateful for your insight, thank you.

 

[Deleted member 65988]

Its some strong stuff, makes me wonder just how much control we have over ourselves. From the looks of it, a lot less than one would think. All these little 'routines' that our body undergoes when the conditions are met, urging us to act a certain way.
I am grateful for your insight, thank you.

The hardest about sn or any method for that matter but I'll stick to sn here, the hardest part is drinking it because you know what comes after, it's as if you body/mind instinctively knows it too, it's a method more likely to end in fatality than survival.

That's why ctb is so hard, you're literally fighting against hardwired survival instinct that simply won't move out of the way just because you stuck to the regimen and manged to measure out the sn but to drink it takes a lot of courage, perhaps a moment of overpowering said survival instinct.

Nevertheless, I hope you aren't being hard on yourself after this, it takes a great amount of inner courage to even go that far. No one should ever feel awful about coming 2nd best to SI, it's akin to keeping us here against our will.

 

[UKscotty]

Dying is literally the last resort and least rational thing our brain can do. We are fighting evolution and our SI.

It can take years to be ready to CTB.

Try not to beat yourself up. There is always another day and another chance to CTB when the time is right.

 

[Young.Werther]

It's tough. the closest I ever managed was just getting everything in front of me, I did didn't even mix the SN into water. I think it helps to be in an extra bad state to be able to force it down. Obviously I'm still here so I don't actually have the answer. You're definitely not the only one. From LostAllHope, only about 13% of people seriously thinking about CTB manage an attempt. I think biology just makes it really hard to leave.

If you find a way to short circuit SI I think many would like to know.