Help I couldn't ctb today .help

[fkyou]

Today was the day I had the chance to do it.......but I didn't......i kept waiting and thinking.. feeling like I'm leaving some things behind..why Ami like this ? Why in the last moments I chicken out and daydream about the things I love that I will never experience again and obsess over them..why Ami like this. I want to be a straight forward person like everyone else.why do I do this?.I'm sick of behaving like a child. Tell me why .
How do I fix this.im serious in my decision and I know I will ctb regardless of time..but why Ami doing this now..why do I obsess over things like this..to the point of delusion.. there's no reason for me to miss today.. it's the perfect day..but why I'm doing this? Do you have any idea???.. there's no reason for me to get more days because I already overstayed here so why? Why do I do this ????...I feel like there's something wrong with me for me to do thisI literally was miserable for most of the days...and couldn't wait for my brothers to get out the house and have the house for myself..i cursed them all the time but now that it happened I'm doing this ??..what is going on.. what's wrong with me.

 

[MyShadow]

Obviously your survival instinct kicked in. All sentient creatures fear death so taking your own life is unnatural.

I don't know your circumstances but I think about ending my life every single day. But, even knowing had bad and unmanageable as my life has become, I still fear death. Actually I fear the process of dying and I certainly fear failing at my attempt and I have been researching and reading about effective methods for many weeks.

Regardless of what you choose, your feelings are valid. But maybe it's time to take a moment to reevaluate your life. Maybe there are things that ARE worth living for. You matter, so maybe there's a chance that suicide is not the answer and you can find peace and happiness.

Whatever you choose for yourself, I hope that you find peace in that choice.

 

[fkyou]

I don't know your circumstances but I think about ending my life every single day. But, even knowing had bad and unmanageable as my life has become, I still fear death. Actually I fear the process of dying and I certainly fear failing at my attempt and I have been researching and reading about effective methods for many weeks.

The problem is I don't fear death literally..or the process of death..but I fear that I'm leaving all the good things that I liked behind in an obsessive way..I kept thinking about how I will never see this or that.. like an addiction. Bare in mind that I've been here for so long and it's only now I'm going for it so I'm not supposed to hesitate after I took a looong time to accept my decision and come to terms with it????!

Maybe it's time to take a moment to evaluate your life. Maybe there are things that ARE worth living for. Maybe there's a chance that suicide is not the answer.

I don't even plan on that..my decision is permanent.. I feel like I've lied to myself all this time

Regardless of what you choose, your feelings are valid. I hope you find peace in whatever you choose for yourself.

Thank you

 

[MyShadow]

You sound determined. Again, I hope you find peace in your decision.

 

[fkyou]

Just as I dropped ctbing today the strong delusional feelings faded away . Back to misery and awful thoughts again .
I think I know what happened.i was scrolling through social media that triggered my SI more than it should. Next time I'll make sure not to give my brain a chance.