Venting I could flee the country

[nomoredolor]

I am trying to think through this situation that is my life "out loud." I am in a unique (for me) position of having options. I have a small amount of money that is enough for me to leave the country and survive for a few months. I could make a go of it and try to live elsewhere and have a last ditch effort to make a life for myself. This is what my best friend and I were gonna do together and what gave me hope for the first time in years before he killed himself without me and shattered my heart. I was in love with him and we agreed to try living together and if that didn't work dying together. But he left me alone. I don't think I can handle moving alone and all that it entails. I needed him. I am autistic and I need supports to function.

Or my current plan is to try to stay alive until the Autumn. To see the birth of a loved one. To see my chemical romance in concert. To give a few more days to my loved ones as my gift to them. And then do the SN protocol. I am very prepared.

I'm terrified to stay in the USA. I need to either immigrate or die. But it seems like unnecessary strife for me to try to move and then I may not have access to my SN method and my body would have to be shipped back here for burial at the green cemetery. Which is problematic for decomposition because I can't be embalmed and shipping a body takes time. I guess I could try to fly back here before Ctb.

I have no idea how to make a plan, where to move, how I would support myself (I can't work full time I am disabled but could manage part time.) how I would manage without my support system. I'm so easily overwhelmed. but I feel like maybe I'm dumb not to use my resources to try leaving? I could also use the money to just have a nice vacation before I Ctb. But when I think of that I feel like I should just save the money for my family for after I Ctb.

And even if I did immigrate I would still have the physical and emotional pain, trauma, grief and weight of capitalism and having to work to barely survive weighing down on me.

Honestly I really truly do just want to end my life. The only reason I'm considering trying to stay alive and immigrate is for my loved ones. Either way they are losing me physically but at least we could connect virtually. I could try to heal and date women and do art activism and write and watch horror movies. I just don't think I have it in me to fight anymore. I'm so tired. And now I don't have anyone to do it with. I've lost my love. My heart has been shattered. I'm likely going to just stay here and Ctb. Idk life is shit.

Anna

 

[TheHolySword]

I would have nowhere to go. I'm not interested in starting a new life, I don't even want this one. I understand your worries and fears, and want to stay for loved ones. I hope you can find your peace one day.

 

[human909]

I wish you good luck and hope you can find the peace you've been searching for.

 

[quietism]

Visas are a real pain. And just like the US, many other countries tend to have anti-immigrant attitudes both implicitly and explicitly (denying student debt, reduced housing and work opportunities, etc). Although you can go pretty much anywhere for a few months under tourism - Europe under EITAS, and australia's ETA both give 90 days (not sure about other countries). I know a couple people who used that as leverage to get a work visa, it's not easy (not all companies offer it) but possible part time and probably easier than living in the US right now. Dunno what your family is like, maybe they could help, maybe not.

I could try to heal and date women and do art activism and write and watch horror movies. I just don't think I have it in me to fight anymore. I'm so tired. And now I don't have anyone to do it with. I've lost my love. My heart has been shattered.

I relate soooo strongly to this.

 

[needthebus]

i hope you flee because i think you are cool and want you to be happy