Venting I can't stop crying

[w1ngedpearl]

First of all, I'm sorry for the possible mistakes - english isn't my native language.

So, I'll have to CTB next night. There is no other way and no more time left. My mind is huge mess - I feel so sad, terrified and guilty. I was born in a pretty rich family, parents always gave everything to me and I had many opportunities to become something. But I didn't. I'm a loser, absolutely lazy and pathetic. I can't do shit without my parents, I've always had zero motivation and no interest in anything other than food and entertainment. I'm more than 20 years old and still ask my parents for money. I don't want to work and am jealous of people who either work hard and get what they want or are lucky enough to get it from someone or by chance.

I feel like something's really wrong with me. I have 2 brothers - both of them are programmers, are successful in their careers (one of them is younger than me, btw) and smart. They achieve their goals and work hard. What about me... Well. Last 5 years I've been just sleeping and playing games. I guess many families have that one person who had so much potential but ended up a failure. I'm tired of myself. I fucked up everything - got kicked out of university and hid it from everyone; got into huge debt; sold almost all items from the apartment my parents gifted me. I hate myself. I'm terrible inside and outside. I'm obese, my face is ugly, my body is hideous, I don't have beautiful clothes, I never felt pretty; I'm not smart, I don't have charisma, I'm boring and stupid. All in all, I'm a failure who destroyed all chances that were right in my hands. I feel guilty every second of my life. My parents should have gave me to an orphanage - I didn't deserve their money, attention or time.

I don't know why I'm crying so much. Guess I never wanted it to end like that. I want to live tbh but it's impossible. I want to be beautiful and rich but I will never be. I want to be a normal human but I can't. Part of me wants to be saved as there are some beautiful things in the world I saw and had. However, I understand that I have no future and it will get only worse. Some things can't be fixed. I'm so fucking sad right now. I became a person I've never expected or wanted to be. I'm crying because I'll miss my mom. I'm crying because I hate myself so so fucking much. I'm crying because I'm scared. My heart never felt heavier than today. It feels so awful to isolate myself at home and hear how kids play, people laugh and talk - they just live, and life will continue for them.

Thanks for reading my post. It's a small part of my vent. My mind feels like fog.

 

[ztoi]

i could never imagine a world without my parents, good luck

 

[Infinitespace_]

bro you are not a machine you are a human being you don't have to achieve anything in this life to accept and love yourself ,,, machines have purpose, man has no purpose

 

[unluckysadness]

I send you hugs

 

[w1ngedpearl]

bro you are not a machine you are a human being you don't have to achieve anything in this life to accept and love yourself ,,, machines have purpose, man has no purpose

I fully agree with you. For me it's not about achieving - it's the understanding that I will never be happy, never will become a person who I wanted to be, never will live the way I dreamt of. I fucked up too much and I told less than I could 'cuz I'm tired of it.

i could never imagine a world without my parents, good luck

I send you hugs

Thanks friends, I send you both (and everyone who reads it) hugs

 

[getoutgirl]

Hi.
First of all I'm really sorry you are going through this. It sounds very overwhelming, it's only normal you are considering suicide and just feeling all these things.
I relate to a lot of bits. I'm a mess myself, dependant, rather useless, so many chances and opportunities gone to waste due to my shitty mental health and cowardice over the years, I look back and I can only see them as wasted, specially when I compare myself to others that are rather thriving, even if they are also going through their own shit, but with motivation to do so, which hurts a bit more some times. Guilt, expectations and failure are terms my brain likes a lot too, and comparison is a killer. No matter how much actual truth there is in it we will always turn it to worse for ourselves. And depression just eats you up like a beast.
If this helps anything, know you are not alone in this. You are not an exceptional universal black sheep, a lot of people find themselves in that spot and feeling this way. It is still awful. Not to minimize it or deny it, on the contrary, just so you know, you are not alone.

From your last paragraph I get that you do want to live, and experience things, and aspire to things, and spend time with your family and loved ones, and "just be normal and okay", even if it's not as successful as other people, just be okay, which I admit yeah sounds pretty good. And hell to be saved too. But if you want these things, yet there seems to be something that's been making it imposible, that's where the thought of suicide is born, out of the desperation of what you believe imposible based on your experience so far.

So based on that, I just have to ask. Have you ever gotten professional help, or reached out for it?
Therapy, meds, techniques, you name it.
You might have, if so surely all of this is hard to overcome regardless, it is for me, but I didn't see you mentioning it, so I have to ask. Because it can make a world a difference. And if you haven't tried it, you simply must before giving in to ctb

Most of what seems unfixable, intrinsically broken, inferior, and hopeless often isn't, but it feels that way. That's how the brain operates when it has sunk so deep. But if you still want to live and do the things you mention, then there is a very high chance you can overcome these things you now see as imposible if you get actual professional help for how to do that. I just have to tell it how I see it. You are still objectively young af. Sure comparison tells you that other people younger are doing better, you are 20+, bla bla. Simply put, the brain is mostly fucking with you, by reviewing your experience so far and seeing it has only gone down it deduces it can only go down further, which is not true, but feels so. It both excells and sucks at logic like that.
So again, if you haven't tried anything (and if you have forgive my rant), and just sunk in that depression and perceived failure, you still have plenty of time to learn how to actually make it work and live as you want. It is posible. Hard, but very posible. Fact.
So please, if you allow my annoyance, consider giving that a try instead of trying for death tomorrow, and remember the things you'd like to live for if the help were to work.

Again I'm so sorry you are feeling this awful at the moment, I feel you there, really. It gets truly awful and desperate and hopeless, but you don't lose anything by giving it a try, and you can gain it all. In any case, please take it as easy as you can today, there are breathing exercises here if you need, or talk to people or do what works best for you to make it easier in any way. Any easier is welcomed. I hope you feel a bit better as soon as posible. Again I'm sorry. Wish I could give you a hug to soothe you, but sending you a virtual one now <3

 

[w1ngedpearl]

Again I'm so sorry you are feeling this awful at the moment, I feel you there, really. It gets truly awful and desperate and hopeless, but you don't lose anything by giving it a try, and you can gain it all. In any case, please take it as easy as you can today, there are breathing exercises here if you need, or talk to people or do what works best for you to make it easier in any way. Any easier is welcomed. I hope you feel a bit better as soon as posible. Again I'm sorry. Wish I could give you a hug to soothe you, but sending you a virtual one now <3

Thank you so much for such a detailed answer. I appreciate your support. I didn't write everything I have because my mind is so messed up, so am I. It's hard to formulate ideas clearly. I don't understand myself because I feel I want to be saved but at the same time I know it's not worth it. I didn't try help, I don't have money for it (in my country free medical help is awful, especially when it comes to mental health). The only people who may help me are my parents but I'm tired of being a problem. It's always something with me. Trust me, I fucked up a lot and, as I mentioned, some things can't be fixed already. Also, I don't have emotional connection with parents - I've never talked about my feelings with them and I feel ashamed of my emotions. Moreover, I can't imagine opening my heart and talking about my suicidal thoughts. Maybe I'm afraid of the answer. What if they will think i'm just weird or pretending for god knows what reason? It will be better when I'm gone. No more problems, no more wasted money or time on me. At least it's what I'm trying to believe.

 

[getoutgirl]

Thank you so much for such a detailed answer. I appreciate your support. I didn't write everything I have because my mind is so messed up, so am I. It's hard to formulate ideas clearly. I don't understand myself because I feel I want to be saved but at the same time I know it's not worth it. I didn't try help, I don't have money for it (in my country free medical help is awful, especially when it comes to mental health). The only people who may help me are my parents but I'm tired of being a problem. It's always something with me. Trust me, I fucked up a lot and, as I mentioned, some things can't be fixed already. Also, I don't have emotional connection with parents - I've never talked about my feelings with them and I feel ashamed of my emotions. Moreover, I can't imagine opening my heart and talking about my suicidal thoughts. Maybe I'm afraid of the answer. What if they will think i'm just weird or pretending for god knows what reason? It will be better when I'm gone. No more problems, no more wasted money or time on me. At least it's what I'm trying to believe.

Those are all completely understandable concerns and fears about this. And a lot more introspection than you might give yourself credit for, I think you'd like to explore more of these things and about yourself, even if it is scary. All these would be brought up and adressed in therapy, believe me there.

Still, I know reaching out for help is one of the hardest things you can do, precisely for these reasons and similar ones. I know, I was there too. But it is so worth it in the end.

If you can get access through your parents, I suggest you take it. Hard to do so, I get it. You already feel like a burden enough, seems paradoxical. You don't have to discuss your suicidality in detail with them or at all if you don't want to, as long as you still start the therapy. That's the one goal now. You can simply tell them you've been extremely depressed, and that you'd want to start therapy to better your life and start feeling good at last. And I assure you your parents would want that, and would only feel happier once that starts being the case. I know the shame and the guilt over it, you just have to remember that truth as louder. It is a pushback against the brain, one that gets easier once you start.

Similarly, I don't think you can convince yourself at the moment that all this you think is imposible really isn't. Or suddenly feel it's worth it. When the brain has been stuck in the depression spiral for so long those are just not things that can be changed in an instant or with just a quick convo. Aware of that myself. I think it is okay, and rather necessary to accept that.
It is a process, a hard one, but one so rewarding and worth it, through therapy, you understand yourself and the why's, and you put them into practice, and you feel better, and at some point you realise stuff feels less imposible and more worth it. It's just how it is, you really don't have to think much about it, it's okay to accept rn you see it as imposible.

So besides all the current despair out of the uncertainty you feel and how overwhelmed you are by it all, I'd say you only need to remind yourself of 2 certainties to start this.

1. is that Everyone that gets through this saw it as imposible too. That this isn't some exclusive mental condition of yours, it is very much the common, and the normal supposed starting point.
and
2. is that Deep down, deeper than the suicidality you are trying to convince yourself of and believe, you Want to live and do this. Deeper down you know this is what you'd want to be able to try, and then to live and do all you mentioned.

So knowing you want to live and that yours is the normal starting point for this, with all the fears included, before it actually works for those in the same situation, you just have to do it.
Which is still hard, but I will be annoying again, it is worth it, and you need it, and you'll be grateful for it.
Its a hard conversation with your parents (for you, for them I can bet they'll feel happier, and would hurt a lot more if you were to die instead, regardless of the no more wasted money or problems you are trying to convince yourself of, which I get the why, I do so myself some times) and after that hard part the rest is there for you, and a path to what you actually want to do, which I repeat, is posible, you'd just gotta take this thing first and the rest will come in time.

I won't annoy more if it's not asked of me. But I do believe in all this I've said, from experience too, and so I have to say it to you. As morbid as it is, you can always kill yourself in the future, it doesn't have to be tomorrow. This I talked about you can start now.
The biggest hugs your way, I hope you feel good from today to tomorrow and that you make the right decision, hard, but you can. Take care <3