Eden2k
Experienced
- Nov 20, 2018
- 228
I posted my first post yesterday. I have made plans to ctb. It won't be until after Christmas, but may be sooner the way fucking things are going.
What is so fucking frustrating for me is knowing that I'm not going to get better, or even improve to a point where I can function properly. I have a mental illness/label called Schizoaffective disorder. Diagnosed about 9 years ago. I've never fully accepted that I have this illness.
Today, despite the fact that I have a date planned to ctb, I decided to contact the community mental health team, in my town in the UK. Why? I guess survival instinct and hating the fact that I can't beat this shitty illness. I told the duty worker, over the phone that I was suffering with my mental health, to the point where I have now made plans to end my life. All I was told was to phone back if I still feel this way next week. OMFG!! WTF!!! Why do these people enter into this type of profession when they lack empathy or basic compassion. I suppose I have always known there is no hope, but because I'm a fighter, I have always felt that I can't give in and one day I would wake up feeling like I could continue on. This isn't to be the case.
I will continue to put on a mask for everyone's benefit, like I have always done. Say everything is fine, when I'm dying inside, smile and pretend to take an interest in things that no longer bring me any happiness. I can do this for a few more weeks. Right?
What is so fucking frustrating for me is knowing that I'm not going to get better, or even improve to a point where I can function properly. I have a mental illness/label called Schizoaffective disorder. Diagnosed about 9 years ago. I've never fully accepted that I have this illness.
Today, despite the fact that I have a date planned to ctb, I decided to contact the community mental health team, in my town in the UK. Why? I guess survival instinct and hating the fact that I can't beat this shitty illness. I told the duty worker, over the phone that I was suffering with my mental health, to the point where I have now made plans to end my life. All I was told was to phone back if I still feel this way next week. OMFG!! WTF!!! Why do these people enter into this type of profession when they lack empathy or basic compassion. I suppose I have always known there is no hope, but because I'm a fighter, I have always felt that I can't give in and one day I would wake up feeling like I could continue on. This isn't to be the case.
I will continue to put on a mask for everyone's benefit, like I have always done. Say everything is fine, when I'm dying inside, smile and pretend to take an interest in things that no longer bring me any happiness. I can do this for a few more weeks. Right?
