i can't find it in myself to care anymore

[monetpompo]

my tunes​

if i don't care, then that means that i should die, but i don't die just because i don't care. even if i sleep every day and watch my body weaken from lack of use. i want to tell every friend i have that i'm sorry i can't be someone worth being around. i want to shrivel up into a ball and turn into a speck. i'm not anyone's responsibility and i don't want to be. i don't want to keep being one of the members of the family that's around because i'm convenient rather than someone useful. i hate my body. i hate everything about me. i hate trying to write my suicide note over and over. i hate looking into people's eyes and knowing i look like some decrepit thing with a sad face and slumped posture. my sad face probably pisses people off. there's nothing in my life that makes me worthy of being sad.

i want to get worse and that makes me want to get better, then i want to get worse again because i'm not good enough to get better. the process of trying to be happy makes me want to puke when i know i'm only doing it for other people's behalf. i don't care if other people want me to be happy. they don't even have time to set aside for me. i'm ungrateful and i want to give everything i own away. things change and i have no way to control it. i'm scared that the people around me will always change but i'm incapable of it. i just can't get better the way other people can. all my words sound like vomit and random syllables. i don't want to keep screwing everything up anymore. therapy is a process that involves dropping a lot of money on doctors in hopes that they'll understand you. my insurance doesn't cover anything. i've checked. a part of me just wants to rest in a psych ward, but that's a lot of money too. everything mental health related involves money. it's cheaper and easier to go insane in my room. that's why so many people do it. i only seem to be getting worse and i don't know who can help me anymore.

 

[lemonandcapers]

It sounds like you are going through a lot of emotional turmoil right now. I may not fully understand what you are feeling right now, but I can relate to feeling like an enigma in the eyes of the people around you. It's a devastating feeling. I wish therapy and mental health services were more accessible financially for those who do want to get help (it should never be forced on anyone though).

 

[bankai]

I'm so sorry you feel that way Monet.I personally feel you're wonderful. But I understand. You are stuck in your own personal hell,I'm sorry