You're welcome. I feel like my life is an ongoing existential endurance test. Invisible disabilities nobody wants to acknowledge or understands. Barriers I can barely climb. People try to keep my hopeful but I have no idea how to internalize that considering how much of a "mess" I am. My room looks like chaos all the time, I have debts I can't pay (I regret studying at university), I am on welfare that barely supports you (which is already a kind of privilege!!! Just not the right one or enough), I can't take care of myself properly on my own, I am regularly feeling pain and/or discomfort, I have trouble sleeping; mental health support doesn't work for neurodivergence and I can't pay specialists on my own either.
Makes sense, I to have problems/had/still have with ordering things and sleeping, I don't really have wellfare personally but yeah taking care of yourself is probably achievable, for 1/2/3 days, it's not that we are incapable we are just incapable of making it a routine; if that resonates with you. I was always capable but between the feeling of hopelessness the dread and the tiredness that comes with neurodivergency, I could never make it a habbit.
And no matter how I verbalize my suffering and pain - nothing changes. My head races and overthinks all the time and there's just worries and I can't make it stop. Not even with meditation, it doesn't work for me. I have meltdowns and shutdowns regularly but nobody who properly cares, understands or accommodates me. I wish I could find time for humor or joy, but in my life situation that's impossible.
Yes, even if you are aware it's truly impossible to outwit your brain. Meditation also doesn't work for me, I also have anger meltdowns and shutdowns, yesterday I self harmed in a way I dread to talk about, today I'm fine, no fucking idea, no support system, I was also aware when I was self harming, telling myself to stop, nothing worked, without someone being there at once to pull me out of it, it's only sadness pain and self harm.
People say I should go to the mental health clinic when I have suicidal thoughts. But do you genuinely think people at those facilities truly CARE to understand?! Naive to believe that. Most people only care about you if you have something to offer to them. People with disabilities are not among those. If you don't have a working support system and money, you have lost.
Just go be a wife/husband, hahaha, I'm kidding, first the hospital, yes, they don't care, the staff barely knows what the hell is even going on with the patients, they just think "autism" "schizophrenia" and that there is a mystic magical like barrier that can't be understood, they don't want to think that it's something that is tangible/treatable/manageable because they fear that it requires their assistance, society's assistance, their fears are right and so they lie to themselves and are apathetic towards patients, never learn how to treat them correctly as people.
don't understand why I should keep going on? Most normal people would be depressed and overwhelmed when they would be in my life situation; if you then also have disabilities it's just hell. I can mask, hide and compensate for my struggles because I am reasonably intelligent/verbal ---- but to be honest, in most areas of my life it is glaringly obvious that I am insanely dysfunctional and overwhelmed. People who have disabilities simply shouldn't have to believe that they have to afford the same as others. They should be adequately supported. If your needs are never met and you can't see that ever happening why should you keep living? It's horror. Usually people have families or friends who have the ability and the means to support you -- financially, emotionally, and so on -- which is already important for regular people. Now imagine growing up poor and disabled, not knowing/understanding/respecting you are disabled and making poor decisions because of that and now having to find a way to get out of that mess while your disabilities still disable you.
Here was the husband/wife part; you see, most people will only truly help if they have an emotional connection to you, why? I don't know, that's just how normal humans are wired, yes we can't afford the same as others. If normal people are going up a mountain for their whole lives, we are going down a river; in the metaphorical sense obviously. Just look at sudan/palestine/ukraine, hundreds of thousands have died, you think anyone outside of neurodivergent ppl and the people living there care? no, humanity will never band together for the good of the planet, guess why most of our fiction is goody two shoes fiction where happiness and friendship triumphs, because it can NEVER in real life, in real life such thought is villanized and spit on, in fiction it is romanticized.
Don't get me wrong, I do have strengths and abilities and I am proud of them. But they don't fit into the mould of the capitalistic system. It is already unfair as is, it gets extra hard if you have are "neurodivergent".
If you are born into a privileged family, I think you can live with your autism just fine in most cases.
But in my case? My suicidal thoughts are quite justified as I see it.
I don't get help and I barely can help myself to get help and even accepting help can be extremely hard and even if you get it you feel like a burden.
Well there is the strength of realising the futility of it all (the reality we have made and the rules that society has imposed) which in the end since we can't get anything done with that information is more of a curse than a strength now that I think about it.
Well yes, as I said, normal people up the mountain, us down the river, both are expected to be the same and do the same work as eachother, both are just numbers to the machine. I also think my suicidal thoughts are justified personally, they are not far off from yours.
I am tired, hopeless and in pain/discomfort 90% of the time. I genuinely try to be hopeful - I talk to my mom, I look up helplines/places where I could help but can't decide to go there, I talk to other neurodivergent people, I talk to neurotypical people and friends, I have a therapist who I talk to
... it just... doesn't change my life situation and my disabilities. Nobody can accuse me of not trying. Nobody can accuse me of not asking for help. Nobody can accuse me of not trying very hard.
It is just that even getting help and the associated bureacracy is a monster that is unbeatable. And then I am not even sure what it changes. What am I even doing that for if I never feel ok in the first place? Imagine I get a job --- will that improve my life quality? Certainly not. Don't get me wrong I'd love to have a job and be useful but it is hard with disabilites. I still believe that people with disabilites are beautiful and valuable. I am convinced of that. That doesn't guarantee you are understood, accepted, accomodated or respected.
It is like that isn't it? You learn to drive, you get a job, you get fit, you learn a language, you learn a hobby, let's imagine you also get 1 million dollars, what has changed exactly for one who doesn't wish for these things? for one who thinks that these things are pointless? for the average person they just became the top 0.1% in their head, for us, nothing changed. You can try how much you want, you can't equal someone who is passionate, I don't have a passion for life, 90% of people seem to do.
I love that I got to a point where I can express all that.
But can anybody please tell me how I am not supposed to be suicidal? If I was capable of magical thinking, I'd probably engage in that. Instead I am at least mildly psychotic, overwhelmed, desperate and helpless most of the time with no break.
It's not even that there wouldn't be people who don't care. My parents do care, they're just overwhelmed themselves and they don't understand my needs; they barely understand their own.
Been trying to take responsibility for my live since ever. There's a shitload of people who don't take responsibility for anything who are perfectly healthy and who could do it if they wanted to.
I try to but fail because my body and brain just don't work as expected and I burn out for no reason at all, for the benefit of neither me nor others.
Yet expressing that, repeatedly, in front of a diverse set of friends, family, therapists and others doesn't change one bit of it.
People try to give me advice, I forget about it, don't understand it or can't apply it to my own body and mind.
Understandable honestly, as I said, I think that we at least are aware of the situation, doesn't help us in the slightest, I also took responsibility for things but I can't compare to someone healthy. Normal people truly don't get it do they?
Advice? I can give you advice, as much advice as you need, I could become a life coach for normal people, I have all the advice in the world, I can't apply it for squat on me, yet it works on others, people giving me advice don't realise that what they say has already been said in my head 15 times at the very least.
Other neurodivergent people are often just as overwhelmed and fail at the barriers the system has set up. Therapists who expect an ADHD person not to be forgetful, for example. Disabilities are largely invisible in our society and 99% of people don't care or are laymen who are ignorant; even professionals. In the worst case, people even hate you or want you dead. I don't even care about these people but they surely exist. And not everybody can pay for that ultra niche specialist on the other side of the country who, at the end, may also just nod and be capable of diagnosing you and scientifically explain/understand some details. And not everybody can pay for life coaches although I am not sure how that is even supposed to work if you have Autism, lol.
Therapists expect ADHD people to be a quest in a game, just as us, just as any other person, a quest that has a walkthrough and they expect that if they continue with the walkthrough and do as it says, that person will always get cured, or should I say the ADHD will always get cured, here is the thing people are different, even with the perfect plan, A will not be cured and B might be cured, who knows. Life coaches don't really work for us, what might work is a friend who has specifically the ability that you desire and wishes to train you, someone you are emotionally connected to, but imagine doing this with everything in life? and even then it will not fullfill you, you'll just learn the activity, I know because I had this happen.
Nobody can blame me for not trying. Nobody can blame me for not desperately seeking help to the maximum of my capacities. And that DESPITE BEING DISABLED.
I am tired of surviving and I fear it will never end. Being AuDHD in survival mode is a hellish experience on almost a cosmic scale at times. And the worst is, my body will probably work for at least 20-40 more years as I am otherwise perfectly healthy. And I am too scared to kill myself. I despise brutality aswell.
There are a few things in life which seem to help temporarily to ease the suffering, thankfully. Short moments of little relief. But I am not sure how long I can still endure all the times inbetween.
The world, for me, is incredibly intense, unpredictable and fear-inducing.
Well you have tried, the world is not meant for people who are too empathetic, or too attentive at certain things, people that get angry easily because of injustices, easily and well deserved anger aswel, nothing will be done unfortunately.
I agree it is hell, now imagine being aro ace and transgender in an eastern european country! imagine that, imagine trying to find anyone who could understand.
The people in the world seem predictable to me, their actions, their betrayals, their hate, it's more rage inducing and annoying to me, I don't really fear death anymore personally but I yearn for revenge more or less, or maybe it's justice? anyways it will never get done so I don't know.
