Just a vent guys because I can't take it anymore. I've lost the ability to function. I'm not in peace. Pain and fear have taken over my life. The reality around me seems like a dream and I don't feel like I'm in my body. Every time I look in the mirror I see a stranger and each time I look I see a different person. It's scaring me but I've been stuck in this state for a very long time and I find it hard to recall a time when I felt present. Another thing is that my cognitive skills have been deteriorating; I find it hard to focus, to process information, to formulate sentences and basically to do simple tasks such as following instructions or a conversation. Not to mention, my memory has become beyond terrible and my memories don't feel like they're mine. Nobody gets it, the people whom I considered friends left me because they couldn't handle my negativity and mood swings. I don't blame them though. But now I'm alone and lonely. I am in pain and I want it all to end. However, I'm a very weak, cowardly individual and a loyal servant/supply to my narcissistic parents who've managed to manipulate the shit out of me, to make themselves the centre of my universe. Everyday I'm told that I'm bad, worthless, stupid, incapable and that my only duty is to take care of their emotions. They feed me with guilt and me being the empath I am I let it get to me. They know I'm suicidal and have told me that if I CTB the family would be humiliated. And I know I am an imbecile but I can't go through with it to spare them from that embarrassment. And to spare my little brothers from experiencing a loss. I worry about others too much even if they don't deserve it, I don't know if I can do this much longer though. All I want is to close my eyes and be gone, instead, I am stuck living in my hellish reality for other people. And I've tried so much and I keep trying to help myself but it's just not working and all my days are gloomy. I am so lost and tired. Hoping that one day I'll finally have the balls to let go of the things holding me back and leap into the abyss because I'm tired of fighting my illness.
Thank you for reading :)
Thank you for reading :)
