fungus
Member
- Sep 5, 2025
- 8
I feel like I can never let my guard down. My parents are always at home and constantly around me. Even if I am in my room with the door closed, I cannot expect them not to just barge in at some point. And if I don't look happy, they immediately want to know what's wrong. I have anxiety, I'm depressed, and I'm introverted. I just want to be alone at home in peace and not have to go out. I want my home to be a safe space where I can act how I truly feel, but instead it's a nightmare for me, and I keep thinking more and more about killing myself. And even that is something I cannot tell anyone outside of this forum.
I've thought about telling my therapist, and I wouldn't even mind being admitted to a psych ward. They are shitty, but at least there I could act how I feel and not just run on autopilot, constantly trying not to break down. But the thought of my parents visiting me there makes me prefer dying over considering it. They love me, I get that, but their love feels like poison and I have tried so much over the last years in the hope they would change.
I know my parents are the problem. I know it, but I can't confront them. They try to be good parents, and that's the worst thing in my life because they just keep doing things wrong again and again. They hurt me emotionally, make my life harder, and think they're doing everything great and right, while completely ignoring me when I tell them what I actually want or what my problems are. Especially if my problem is something they do. They always promise I can talk to them if I have an issue with them, but nothing ever changes. It makes me so furious sometimes.
I feel trapped at home. I can't even have a bad day without them expecting me to explain what's wrong. Only for them to completely dismiss me if I open up a little bit. When I tell them what really bothers me, whether it's about home, school, or them, they either take it as a joke or act like I'm just lazy and making things up. It feels like I would need to have a complete breakdown before they admit I even have a problem. But even then, they would still miss the point and only make things worse. They give help where I don't want it and ignore the places where I actually need them to see me.
They constantly fight with each other. They never communicate like adults. I just want a normal, stable family, or for them to just fuck off and leave me alone. I don't want them around me, thinking they need to know how I feel or trying to "be there" for me. I'm not even sure if I love or hate them. I feel like I want to implode, but I can't, and there's nobody who will truly be there for me. Not even my therapist. 50min per weak are a joke in my opinion and I will never talk that open to her.
I'm not at the point where I can say with 100% certainty that I would go through with killing myself if I attempted it. But I also know I cannot afford a second failed attempt. If I try again, it has to work, otherwise things will only become worse.
I've thought about telling my therapist, and I wouldn't even mind being admitted to a psych ward. They are shitty, but at least there I could act how I feel and not just run on autopilot, constantly trying not to break down. But the thought of my parents visiting me there makes me prefer dying over considering it. They love me, I get that, but their love feels like poison and I have tried so much over the last years in the hope they would change.
I know my parents are the problem. I know it, but I can't confront them. They try to be good parents, and that's the worst thing in my life because they just keep doing things wrong again and again. They hurt me emotionally, make my life harder, and think they're doing everything great and right, while completely ignoring me when I tell them what I actually want or what my problems are. Especially if my problem is something they do. They always promise I can talk to them if I have an issue with them, but nothing ever changes. It makes me so furious sometimes.
I feel trapped at home. I can't even have a bad day without them expecting me to explain what's wrong. Only for them to completely dismiss me if I open up a little bit. When I tell them what really bothers me, whether it's about home, school, or them, they either take it as a joke or act like I'm just lazy and making things up. It feels like I would need to have a complete breakdown before they admit I even have a problem. But even then, they would still miss the point and only make things worse. They give help where I don't want it and ignore the places where I actually need them to see me.
They constantly fight with each other. They never communicate like adults. I just want a normal, stable family, or for them to just fuck off and leave me alone. I don't want them around me, thinking they need to know how I feel or trying to "be there" for me. I'm not even sure if I love or hate them. I feel like I want to implode, but I can't, and there's nobody who will truly be there for me. Not even my therapist. 50min per weak are a joke in my opinion and I will never talk that open to her.
I'm not at the point where I can say with 100% certainty that I would go through with killing myself if I attempted it. But I also know I cannot afford a second failed attempt. If I try again, it has to work, otherwise things will only become worse.
