How to move on from the mistakes of the past?

[Satori Komeiji]

I seem unable to let the past stay in the past. Even events that happened 5+ years ago will still haunt me in the present day. Usually the events that stick in my head are feeling embarrassed or rejected. For example, over 6 years ago now I let somebody who I rode on the school bus with look at my phone and they found pictures of my crush on there that I forgot I had. Obviously very embarrassing. Even all these years later when I do something that brings back this memory it hits me like some sort of PTSD flashback and causes me emotional distress. There are dozens of memories like this, I only gave one as an example. I can't stand it. Does anybody else have this issue and if so, how do you deal with it?

 

[Doll Steak]

I have A LOT of embarrassing moments that I've experienced over the years but the only reason I remember it is cause it was embarrassing for ME, the person who witnessed it likely doesn't remember cause it didn't really affect them. Now this doesn't apply to every situation but maybe some of the more minor ones. And also for the memories that are embarrassing for both you and the witness maybe both of you would rather forget it and thus it wouldn't even matter, just a lost memory.

 

[Satori Komeiji]

I have A LOT of embarrassing moments that I've experienced over the years but the only reason I remember it is cause it was embarrassing for ME, the person who witnessed it likely doesn't remember cause it didn't really affect them. Now this doesn't apply to every situation but maybe some of the more minor ones. And also for the memories that are embarrassing for both you and the witness maybe both of you would rather forget it and thus it wouldn't even matter, just a lost memory.

Yes, in almost every case the memory was only embarrassing for me. They have long since been forgotten by everybody else. I should just try to push the thought away by just reminding myself that the only person who remembers it is me.

 

[trying ungracefully]

Self compassion. It is 1. mindfulness 2. common humanity 3. and self kindness.

1. Notice how you are feeling in a non-judgemental way. Try not to stick on the thoughts and think that all it is is embarrassing. Don't suppress them either. Just be with your emotions and try to notice how it feels in your body like if your throat closes or chest tightens, stuff like that.
2. Realize you are like everyone else and everyone has embarrassing moments like this. I can list off so many embarassing things in my life but that would take a while lol. It is part of being human.
3. Instead of criticizing yourself talk to yourself like you were a friend or child. "It is really hard feeling embarrassed, I feel really bad for you, everyone experience that feeling so you are not alone."

It is some thing from someone named Kristen Neff that my therapist had told me. I'm not the best at it yet and it is a bit of a struggle still but practice over time is what changes you. If you do it when things aren't extremely overwhelming either it helps. Think back on thoughts intentionally and practice then. If you can't handle it there are self soothing things you can do to calm yourself down and to focus on something else.

Idk if this will work with you or if you tried but it is something that helps me a bit with embarrassment or shame.

 

[Satori Komeiji]

Self compassion. It is 1. mindfulness 2. common humanity 3. and self kindness.

1. Notice how you are feeling in a non-judgemental way. Try not to stick on the thoughts and think that all it is is embarrassing. Don't suppress them either. Just be with your emotions and try to notice how it feels in your body like if your throat closes or chest tightens, stuff like that.
2. Realize you are like everyone else and everyone has embarrassing moments like this. I can list off so many embarassing things in my life but that would take a while lol. It is part of being human.
3. Instead of criticizing yourself talk to yourself like you were a friend or child. "It is really hard feeling embarrassed, I feel really bad for you, everyone experience that feeling so you are not alone."

It is some thing from someone named Kristen Neff that my therapist had told me. I'm not the best at it yet and it is a bit of a struggle still but practice over time is what changes you. If you do it when things aren't extremely overwhelming either it helps. Think back on thoughts intentionally and practice then. If you can't handle it there are self soothing things you can do to calm yourself down and to focus on something else.

Idk if this will work with you or if you tried but it is something that helps me a bit with embarrassment or shame.

Thank you very much for this <3

 

[kiti0711]

Umm (￣ー￣٥) that reminds me of something from years ago. When I was a kid, I had a secret crush on a girl. One day, I was having a great time playing in front of her and her friends, when she suddenly said, "You're so ugly!"

I still remember it vividly. Luckily, I didn't really understand what she meant back then, so it didn't affect me too much.

 

[Satori Komeiji]

Umm (￣ー￣٥) that reminds me of something from years ago. When I was a kid, I had a secret crush on a girl. One day, I was having a great time playing in front of her and her friends, when she suddenly said, "You're so ugly!"

I still remember it vividly. Luckily, I didn't really understand what she meant back then, so it didn't affect me too much.

That's awful :( I can understand why it stuck with you for so long. People are so cruel.

 

[kiti0711]

So familiar — it's a bit like this one.

Self-Compassion: Theory, Method, Research, and Intervention | Annual Reviews

Self-compassion refers to being supportive toward oneself when experiencing suffering or pain—be it caused by personal mistakes and inadequacies or external life challenges. This review presents my theoretical model of self-compassion as comprised of six different elements: increased...

www.annualreviews.org

 

[-nobodyknows-]

I'm like this too. I remember way too much of my life from too long ago, and a significant number of these memories are not pleasant.

I'd say the best thing you can do is try not to think about it (though I know all too well that is virtually impossible at times) and try to distract yourself somehow. It may also be helpful to spend time with people who would not know about these events, though that's not really the healthiest solution in the long term as you will inevitably have such moments with them.

 

[Satori Komeiji]

One factor is time: the further from the cringeworthy event you get, the less it will intrude upon your thoughts.

I get upset about things that happened in kindergarten sometimes so I don't think that's true for me :( in fact I feel like my memory of the event gets more damaging the more time has passed usually.

 

[kitkat9234]

I'm stuck in the past. Severe guilt over my selfish decisions. It's eating me up inside. I know I can't go back or change things but I am constantly reminded of my fuck ups daily. And my daughter is the one who suffers the most. She deserves better. I ruined her. I wish I never fucked up my marriage. The guilt and shame is tremendous. I fucking hate myself.

 

[Ashu]

I'm stuck in the past. Severe guilt over my selfish decisions. It's eating me up inside. I know I can't go back or change things but I am constantly reminded of my fuck ups daily. And my daughter is the one who suffers the most. She deserves better. I ruined her. I wish I never fucked up my marriage. The guilt and shame is tremendous. I fucking hate myself.

Totally recognize this.

 

[Lyn]

Yeah, I relate to something like this more than I'd like.
For some people it creeps in when they're trying to sleep. But for me it hits in full daylight.Middle of walking, eating, talking - whatever. And suddenly I'm back in some old moment I can't undo. They are like sparks.

It's never just one memory either. It's like once the door cracks open, they all start spilling through

Doesn't matter how small or far away it was. It still lands like a punch.

So I just try to stand it until it's over. Until next time of course

 

[Hellis]

It's an annoying answer, but as someone who felt like that for so, so long I found that what helped me was simply time. That and SSRIs, but mostly time.

That doesn't really help in the moment, though, so I'll tell you the next best thing: sleep. It doesn't cure the issue but it's a free time skip in real life that helps you feel better than the night before (usually).

 

[Satori Komeiji]

Yeah, I relate to something like this more than I'd like.
For some people it creeps in when they're trying to sleep. But for me it hits in full daylight.Middle of walking, eating, talking - whatever. And suddenly I'm back in some old moment I can't undo. They are like sparks.

It's never just one memory either. It's like once the door cracks open, they all start spilling through

Doesn't matter how small or far away it was. It still lands like a punch.

So I just try to stand it until it's over. Until next time of course

Yeah for me the memory often appears when I am doing something that reminds me of it. Like for the embarrassing situation I provided as an example in my post, sometimes that memory comes back when I am looking at pictures on my phone.

 

[Lyn]

Yeah for me the memory often appears when I am doing something that reminds me of it. Like for the embarrassing situation I provided as an example in my post, sometimes that memory comes back when I am looking at pictures on my phone.

That totally sucks. Sorry that you have to go through something similar.
That happens to me too.
But usually mine a rather random, i might be in process of doing something, totally concentrated, but those memories start flashing in my mind all of a sudden.

 

[Satori Komeiji]

That totally sucks. Sorry that you have to go through something similar.
That happens to me too.
But usually mine a rather random, i might be in process of doing something, totally concentrated, but those memories start flashing in my mind all of a sudden.

I get random ones too :( I just wish it'd stop. If I am this stuck in the past, then recovery is somehow even more hopeless than it already is.

 

[AnimeSlayersFan]

Oh man you made me remember one of my past! When I was finishing middle school and I had a crush on this girl, I was getting freaked out on the last day of not seeing her again EVER, so I went up to her and said "I. Love. You" whispering in her ear, then like because we were with so many other people we didn't talk any further, I recieved a facebook message of her like two days later with her saying I was the biggest freak ever and that she hated my guts and didn't want me to ever talk to her again.

I guess time is the biggest factor. I had completely forgot about that one, and it doesn't really bother me, it's usually like that with trauma, you forget with time, the issue is, the unhealthy patterns that remain in your head because of those experiences, are still VERY "real".

In my experience those are the real enemy.

I'm still nowhere "fixed" though, just sharing.

It's an annoying answer, but as someone who felt like that for so, so long I found that what helped me was simply time. That and SSRIs, but mostly time.

That doesn't really help in the moment, though, so I'll tell you the next best thing: sleep. It doesn't cure the issue but it's a free time skip in real life that helps you feel better than the night before (usually).

SSRI's help? What do they do? How do they make you feel? I'm about to be exploring options for meds in the next week.

 

[Satori Komeiji]

Oh man you made me remember one of my past! When I was finishing middle school and I had a crush on this girl, I was getting freaked out on the last day of not seeing her again EVER, so I went up to her and said "I. Love. You" whispering in her ear, then like because we were with so many other people we didn't talk any further, I recieved a facebook message of her like two days later with her saying I was the biggest freak ever and that she hated my guts and didn't want me to ever talk to her again.

I guess time is the biggest factor. I had completely forgot about that one, and it doesn't really bother me, it's usually like that with trauma, you forget with time, the issue is, the unhealthy patterns that remain in your head because of those experiences, are still VERY "real".

In my experience those are the real enemy.

I'm still nowhere "fixed" though, just sharing.

SSRI's help? What do they do? How do they make you feel? I'm about to be exploring options for meds in the next week.

Oh my, that's so horrible :( I don't know what makes people act so cruel. I guess the trouble for me is that even with time, it never seems to go away and I never seem to forget. The memories just come back as if they happened yesterday. I've never tried any SSRI's but I probably should.