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S

SOU_P

me plants will be the last folk to see me alive.
May 5, 2024
34
i've been in a horrid cycle lately. shit hits the fan, i drain everyone around me (although me bf takes the brunt of that), i fuckin tear meself to shreds until snappin back to reality in some way or another, i work on meself n me bad habits, and then shit hits the fan and i scrap everything and go back to my horrid habits, sometimes backtracking on progress i've made since i was a child.
for example, today, i ended up gettin mad at me headphones cutting out, and did what seven-year-old me would have done: threw them off me head. instant regret, quickly picked em back up to discover that the left ear had been fucked up, in that certain frequencies in it just won't really play. for example, when watching a video where someone talks a lot (commentary channels my beloved), their voice is really hard to hear in that ear, but certain aspects of songs will play okay in it. i don't know what in specific cuts out, i think it's certain mid-tones and most treble? either way, not the point.
what IS the point is that i fucked up and did something i never would've done in the last few years, gave into a habit that i'd mostly squashed since it started when i was a kid with anger issues so bad i threw me head against things and kicked people when i didn't get my way. i've noticed this a lot more lately, where i do quite well for around a week or two, and then something happens and i throw it all away and have to pick myself back up again. it's been a slow spiral downward, where i think i'm doing okay, i fail miserably, think i'm doing okay (albeit slightly worse than the last time i felt that), fail miserably, and so on. been debating just giving up altogether, since the last time i gave up on myself, it DIDN'T result in me reverting back to behaviors i had when i was a kid that couldn't deal with their emotions, and just lashed out.

apologies if this is a bit hard to understand, i ain't the best at gettin me thoughts out comprehensibly.
 
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dospi1

Member
Nov 18, 2021
96
"One must imagine sysphus as happy man" i know this is not what you want to hear but happiness is not consistent,at least not for people like us, but you got someone very few people actually have the right to say you win your struggle everyday this is not a fought and won battle (god i hope it was) but we must keep the strugle, find pride in being stronger and most people could even imagine C:
 
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