How to deal with the guilt of ctb

[notemil3]

I really want to ctb but i have a partner and they recently lost their dad and i have seen what that does to them they really can't handle loss well i am scared that if i go with my attempt that i will make their life more hellish and cause them to ctb as well i don't want anyone to feel the same way i am feeling right now and the fact that i can cause the same feelings because i want my pain to end is frustrating