How many people here actually do have some love for their families

[Zzquilb458]

They're deeply flawed and I feel they are still hurting me in ways they either don't realize or want to think about, but I won't deny that there's a lot of cognitive dissonance I feel here and there when ever I start excessively ruminating on ctb'ing.

This lining up with the fact that a lot of people here feel guilt over this desire. It's like they've done great things that a lot of parents don't do, yet, I still resent the bad stuff because it's in my nature to be defiant, especially lately considering they are very wrong on a particular social issue that they know affects my mental health.

I almost have this profusely selfish desire to press a button and make my life 1,000,000x worse just so I likely wouldn't compartmentalize as much about dying.

 

[WantingOut2]

My mom caused me to have the CPTSD that I have. She ruined my life and also I was frozen in freeze response, I could not leave.
My two older brothers are dead to me as I am to them. I suffered their abuse and witnessed all the time horrific abuse by one of them to my late mom.
My father died when I was in elementary school.
I have no family but the one I had I hate now.
I had a therapist a few years back (2017-2020) who said I should have been rescued from my mother by child protective services.
I'd give anything if I had a chance in life.
I believe strongly in the idea (and song) of the "Sins Of The Family."

(Note: if this was meant only for positive responses, I apologize, but your post above indicates it is not just for that)

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

me

I just feel bad for my dad. He deserved a lot more from the rest of us. Such a good dude. I fear my suicide will be the last straw for him. But my hope is that he has a happy retirement.

 

[badatparties]

My mom caused me to have the CPTSD that I have. She ruined my life and also I was frozen in freeze response, I could not leave.
My two older brothers are dead to me as I am to them. I suffered their abuse and witnessed all the time horrific abuse by one of them to my late mom.
My father died when I was in elementary school.
I have no family but the one I had I hate now.T
I had a therapist a few years back (2017-2020) who said I should have been rescued from my mother by child protective services.
I'd give anything if I had a chance in life.
I believe strongly in the idea (and song) of the "Sins Of The Family."

(Note: if this was meant only for positive responses, I apologize, but your post above indicates it is not just for that)

This is exactly why i roll my eyes at the have big families advice given by far right religious types. They have their heads firmly planted up their asses. So many people are estranged from family.

 

[Lady_V]

I love my dad and older sister. That's it. My dad is so deeply flawed and a terrible man, but he was a good enough father to me. My sister was just a good big sister, but she killed herself, so.

 

[starboy2k]

I have more love for all of the kids that I grew up with in my family. The adults on the otherhand I despise.

 

[godlikempathy91]

They're deeply flawed and I feel they are still hurting me in ways they either don't realize or want to think about, but I won't deny that there's a lot of cognitive dissonance I feel here and there when ever I start excessively ruminating on ctb'ing.

This lining up with the fact that a lot of people here feel guilt over this desire. It's like they've done great things that a lot of parents don't do, yet, I still resent the bad stuff because it's in my nature to be defiant, especially lately considering they are very wrong on a particular social issue that they know affects my mental health.

I almost have this profusely selfish desire to press a button and make my life 1,000,000x worse just so I likely wouldn't compartmentalize as much about dying.

I am so sorry for you i totally understand how it feels like to be trapped in this type of state its like ur drowning slowly ur suffering because of
The place that supposed to give you the safety and love you deserve i hope you find the peace you're looking for.

 

[escapee205]

I have an older sister that I would already be dead without and a niece. They're the only people i would feel quilty about to leave behind. Because then My sister woulden't have any family. Just thinking about my parents really pisses me off. They're the reason i have ptsd and now have to deal with that for the rest of my miserable life.

My mom was a raging alcoholic that would just get worse and worse. and my dad was just a deadbeat who did nothing but beat me and my siblings.

When I first started to consider ctb i was planning to take my parents with me. But my 3 younger siblings have forgiven them. I really dont understand how they could. But they might be all my siblings have so I dont want to make it worse for my siblings. So my sister and I just cut all ties to our family and moved away when we got a chance.

 

[darksouls]

I despise my family

 

[lawlietsph]

i love them, because it's in my nature, i feel the biggest empathy towards everyone, even for those who hurt me.
my family doesn't love me, they don't even like me, and they never did.
they actually made horrible things to me, almost all of them.
my parents were horrible parents.
physical-emotional-verbal abuse and neglect was my entire childhood basically.

what's really strange is that if you ask me what hurt me the most, it was not my mother grabbing me by my hair or punching me in the face. it was when she punished me with silence, when she used to ignore my existence for 2-3 weeks straight. that is what i am unable to process to this day.

they still continue to hurt me, the more pain i'm in, the more they enjoy watching me suffer. still, i can't hate them for more than an hour. i'm like a dog, you can kick me, abuse me, but i will be loyal and i will love you until i die. i hate myself for this

 

[kitsuneprime]

Me, I'm terrified of being a disappointment to them.

 

[deadanddecomposing]

I love my family. I got very lucky and they're all wonderful. It's not their fault I'm incompetent. I hate that dying will hurt them, but if I don't, I'll probably leech off them until they either kick me out or I die some other way.

 

[Abandoned Phantom]

I love all of my family, My mom, sister, cousins, all of them. Except for my dad, he's a POS. I hate how much pain I'm going to cause them. But I can't keep doing this (life) just because I dont want to hurt them.

 

[Dr.Duck]

I'm lucky all my family is great. I hate how one day I'm going to destroy them all by my actions of CTB

 

[TooMuch.]

Maybe my dad

 

[Noi]

It's complicated, but alas nothing is ever simple anyway. I guess to untangle this mess, I'd better start with my mom and my step-dad, I used to despise them both. Well for my step-dad I still feel the same burning hatred for him. It's not personal for me, he didn't mistreat me or anything of the sort; he's just a shitty human being.

For my mom, it's a lot more complicated. The hatred I felt for her was personal, deeply rooted in her abusive behaviour towards me when I was child. Whether it was hitting me, locking me in the basement, screaming at me for getting sick or tossing an emotional burden onto a child she because she herself couldn't deal with it. So why can't I no longer say I hate her? After all she's done plenty of things to earn my ire, forever. It's because if I was in her shoes, in the same situation; I don't think I could stop myself from hitting me or locking me in the basement. After all I've felt the same incandescent anger as her, could I control it any better than her? Probably not. So at the end of the day what do I feel towards my mom? It's complicated, there's probably some love there somewhere alongside the smoldering ashes of the hatred I've felt towards her, my contempt for some of her less than stellar character traits.

For my dad, I don't love him nor do I hate him. He left my life because he's an alcoholic, he's not violent when drunk but hungover, that's another story. I ultimately respect his choice, since it was one of the better ones he could've made. Though I can't say I love a man I don't even know.

For the rest of my family, the only person alive worth talking about is my grandmother, I love her. She's the only member of my family that I'm close to I can say did right by me in most cases.

 

[bliss.bmp]

i don't see most of my family very often. i only really love and deeply care about my grandparents and my mom. the rest i see maybe once or twice a year.

 

[Grog]

I love my parents; though, it's hard to do sometimes.
I don't really care what happens with my siblings. I'm glad they're no longer in my life.
I love most of my extended family dearly.

 

[RunDown]

My parents are hard workers and have provided a lot for me. They're also toxic narcissists. I care for them, I used to love them, but now I can't say if I do. I've been chronically ill for most of my adult life and they refuse to acknowledge the limitations that has placed on me. They only judge and shame me for not being the son they can brag to their friends about. I'm much closer to my brother. I wish I could spend more time with him but he spends as much time away from our parents as he can. I don't blame him.

 

[clarity]

How do you know whether you love someone? I don't feel love. I feel mainly an absence of emotion combined with some annoyance and anger.

I grew up under authoritarian and emotionally neglectful parents. Typical Chinese, emotionally immature parents. I have an older sister who is arrogant and narcissistic. Recently I went low contact with my toxic, dysfunctional family.

I did feel some guilt as I know my mum and grandma will be upset over my suicide. I'm starting to care less about that now.

There was no emotional connection between family members, I just remember a lot of verbal, emotional and (some) physical abuse.

I don't understand what love is, but I don't feel like I love them. I try my best to avoid them because they are incredibly frustrating to communicate with. My mum has no accountability and lack self awareness.

Maybe I do love them, I'm just not aware that I do?

 

[telekon]

I really fucking hate all of my family members. I have one grandma on my dad's side who's alright but in all likelihood my entire bloodline will probably rot in hell, the void, or some other unpleasant version of the afterlife after we're gone.

 

[memotrow]

I love my mother, my grandmother, and my siblings, however, they don't know abt my thoughts because I don't wanna worry them or make them angry, and that makes me feel so bad.

 

[Cyrene]

I love my parents especially my mom. Me and her are so close. She is one of the only people that make me happy. I'm feel so guilty about wanting to ctb and hurting her that way but I just don't want to be here anymore. I never told her because I don't want to disappoint her or make her worry more about me than she already does.