How long have you’ve known you’d kill yourself?

[hmnow]

Ever since early high school when I did a quite serious attempt to hang myself, I've known I will kill myself.

I've made other attempts. I am hoping the next attempt will be the last one.

How long have you've known?

 

[Bells]

It's a weird feeling, as a queer person I've had many realizations about myself come to me naturally and funnily enough, I think the thought of CTB came to me as naturally in a sense. I've suffered from OCD since childhood and from depression / general anxiety from around the age of 14-ish. I remember when I started to self-harm in middle school I realized that, not only I want to die, I'm going to go by my own hand.

Ever since I've not known if and when I'm going to die but I KNOW it's gonna be self-inflicted (well, if I don't suffer some kind of accident before that). Also around the same age I realized these things, I also knew that I didn't have any future plans for myself and I just lived from one day to another. All my peers seemed to have some type of "future plans" like studying or pursuing a job they wanted, but I just moved along where life got me not really motivated by anything.

I never could imagine myself living to an "old age", like wanting to retire or just, you know, be alive at an old age. The entire concept of living to an old age and being like a grandparent feels unimaginable to me.

At the age of 16 I realized I was trans (MtF) and the realization did not help. It made me understand myself more and well maybe also explained that I couldn't see myself as "an old man". Yet, I feel like there is no such thing for me as future and growing old fucking horrifies me. I hate my body now and can't imagine it getting better with age.

I'm 23 years old at the time of writing, I have just gotten into an university but I've been absent the whole first week and I think it's just because of lazyness and self-sabotaging. I have not been able to start medically transitioning and I feel hopeless. I've ruined my finances, friendships and relationships because of my own behaviour. The only thing I've been consistent with throughout my whole life is self-sabotaging and ruining things for myself and the people I care about.

It's not like I have actively always thought about suicide, there are periods I think about it a lot more (and have even attempted) and periods where I seem to be and do "better". Even on the better periods of my life, I've always known that there is no long-term future for me and I will CTB.

I think I've been doing "better" (well, better at escapism than on more depressed periods of my life) and my self-sabotaging has shown itself massively and I seem to be spiraling again (though, I don't know if I ever was truly not spiraling). I think I need to re-evaluate a lot of things soon again and see if I'm going to attempt again soon or I don't know, just go with the flow and stay the fucking same.

I'm sorry for this quite exhausting answer, mostly a vent I suppose lol.
TLDR: ever since I really started thinking about dying and death, I couldn't imagine dying from anything else than killing myself.

 

[NoPoint2Life]

Always just kind of assumed back when I was in my 20's that I would do it after my parents were gone

Now I'm 45. They are still here - one healthy and one not. After realizing what a bitch SI is and learning from sasu how damn hard it actually is, now I doubt that I will ever be able to.

And the thought of getting older is horrific for me. And it's only the past few years that I have started constantly thinking about ctb.

 

[FuneralCry]

For me wanting to cease existing is just all I know and is all that feels right for me, I'll just always prefer to not exist than suffer in this dreadful, torturous existence I always saw as a mistake, my wish to permanently cease existing is a response to existence itself and as long as I exist I'll only hope for non-existence.

Only non-existence can bring me the peace and relief I search for from the terrible, dreadful and cruel abomination of existence that just causes harm and suffering with no limit as to how much one can be tortured, for me only eternal sleep could ever be desirable, I wish for no more pain and no more suffering, for me non-existence is just all that's positive.

 

[MyShadow]

Suicide has been in my thoughts since my pre-teen years. I have Major Depressive Disorder and Anxiety from a traumatic and abusive childhood so I've always known that I wanted to die because I could never really find relief from the thoughts and feelings associated with my disorders and circumstances. I have gotten very close a few times, but the attempts were poor at best. There were moments of true happiness and I thought that I could move forward from the years of suffering, but circumstances always spun me back to the reality of my life.

Honestly, I've been running away from CBT for my entire life. Even my career choice was an escape, but no matter what I did, the symptoms got worse and I developed PTSD from another traumatic event. Now, because of recent events and circumstances, my mental health has deteriorated further. On top of all of that I am afraid of growing old alone and losing the ability to choose my death is something that reinforces the suicidal ideation.

With all of this in mind I have learned that my death by suicide is inevitable. I can't run from it any longer. Now, I have to overcome my basic survival instincts and follow through. Otherwise I face additional decades of suffering, loneliness and ever-decreasing options.

 

[itwillhappensoon]

I attempted suicide 4 times , one with medicine and 3 with hanging, ever since I was a young adult the thoughts of ending my life never left me , I wish ctb was easier , why is it so hard to live? and why is it so hard to die ?

 

[Alexandra_]

Since childhood. I will not rest until I find death. For me, life is a real nightmare

 

[Whole-Ad]

I first thought about it in high school when I was maybe 13-14. It's strange though because it wasn't a serious thought, as in I had no plans to actually do it. It was just a problem for future me to figure out. I'd think about it often ever since then.

But when I turned 21 that's when I realised it was something I had to do sooner rather than later. I had my first attempt a month after my 21st birthday. Another one 3 months later which led to me being sectioned into hospital for almost 2 years.

I still think about it pretty much every day, and I still feel it is something I need to do some day soon. I don't imagine a future, I just see myself as dead. Whenever it happens, I know I will die by suicide unless I get hit by a car or something lol, I won't die of old age etc.

I hate the feeling of getting older and every birthday I just feel even more desperate.

 

[unluckysadness]

I started with suicidal thoughts when I was 10 and putting in a terrible boarding school with mistreatments (I'm 43 now). Me and another schoolmate both wanted to jump from the building.

If I had done this, I wouldn't have missed anything because my whole life has been a disaster

 

[Irisse]

Since I was about 12 to 14, since my classmates have been doing everything they could to make my life miserable, and that abuse lasted for eight years, from ages 6 to 14. My parents knew yet did nothing about it. Though I do have a memory of throwing myself in front of a car near the playground when I was 5... Though I don't think I was suicidal at the time, just curious to see what would happen. I don't know what triggered it, maybe my grandparents' death and my mother's miscarriage, and that happened when I was 5 as well so it checks out. But the primary source of trauma for me are my classmates who I was forced to associate with from 1st to 8th grade of K-12. I suppose I'd always been a bit of a morbid child, as I had a kid version of an existential crisis at the age of 5 and I remember realizing that everyone I love will die one day and that life is mostly suffering.

 

[Upon a hanging Body]

All my life

 

[nuva]

I don't remember when I started thinking about it,maybe I, consciously or not, tried to strangle myself at 6 y.o. to scare my mother.
But probably even in elementary school it seemed to me that death was a way out of all problems, because I clearly remember how at 8 y.o. I drew a small picture in the corner of my notebook where I was strangling myself (I'm starting to notice a trend..) and thinking about how I really wanted to do it in reality(JUST because I did something bad and got scolded). I still don't know if this was a normal reaction for an emotional kid or not.
Probably already then I began to think that someday I could do something with myself. Thinking about my own death has always had a calming effect on me.

 

[Kitsune_BCN]

In the very moment I understood the pain was going to be chronic, I realized I was pretty screwed. The first years was more bearable tho, and I kept the willing. The last 3 or 4 started to be excruciating and the urge of "brexit" intensified since then.

 

[InTheAbyss]

At least 38 years. Maybe a bit longer.

 

[somebodyfromeast]

3 years ago I was sitting on the shore of a large pond and thinking about my life. It was early spring, and the ice on the pond was quite dangerous. I realized that I had to cross the pond to the opposite shore: if I fell under ice, I would drown, but if the ice held up, I would be able to handle everything.
The ice held up. The next week an event occurred that made my life much worse than it had been before :)
At that moment I realized that I couldn't trust such serious matters to a silly ice, and I began preparing for the CTB

 

[senyaa.]

;; i've been saying "somebody kill me" since elementary school started lol, as a joke, but there was some truth to it too.
;; as life went on and i was getting more disappointed in myself and world, i began to realize i do need something or someone to end me.
;; and in my late teens i had to admit that I'm the only one who could do it.

 

[Dusk till dawn]

Since i was 12

 

[Moniker]

I have a very particular memory from when I was nine or ten years old. I was sitting in class and it clicked with me that every problem I have could be solved if I died. I specifically remember thinking people would be happy if I died, but I don't know why. At that moment, I drew some lousy doodle of a guy jumping off of a roof.

 

[sorrowfullyliving]

Probably since I was 14
Living in extreme poverty makes me regret being bron into this world, at that age I've realized that the only way out of poverty was to CTB. I'm too stupid to get scholarship to help with schoo, that's probably another reason I wanted to CTB, I'm way too dumb for this world.

 

[FadingSnowFake]

About a year now, since just before joining SaSu.

 

[Incompatible-444]

Ever since early high school when I did a quite serious attempt to hang myself, I've known I will kill myself.

I've made other attempts. I am hoping the next attempt will be the last one.

How long have you've known?

It's weird. I've always been a very optimistic hopeful person, but after certain beliefs you thought were concrete, you begin to waver and then your will to fight just seems to fade out. I've always known that suicide was an option, but never seriously considered it because I was so happy. When things get so abysmal though, suicide becomes this odd beacon of hope and relief, like you don't have to deal with all of these issues because of one final solution. I guess I knew since the beginning of this year that I may do it, but these past two days have completely cemented that things are pretty much done for me here.

 

[failedmind]

Since I was 10. I'm 24 now. I remember sitting in class and daydreaming about dying. I used to watch people in my class laugh and be happy and all I was thinking about was how I could kill myself. The thoughts were none stop and they still are. As a teen, I used to plan out how I'd do it and how I'd be gone by 18. I wish I went through with it, I was too scared and I still am now. Life only got worse and now all I think about is suicide. I'm tired

 

[amerie]

This is hard to answer

I first felt suicidal at 9, but it was more of a deep sense of rage and despair and wanting to escape everything

But I actually officially decided that I was going to die like this a few weeks after turning 18, at some point you just accept that it's never going to get better.

 

[Liebestod]

Ever since early high school when I did a quite serious attempt to hang myself, I've known I will kill myself.

I've made other attempts. I am hoping the next attempt will be the last one.

How long have you've known?

About two years now, and from what it looks like right now, I have two more years to go. The first time I wanted to die was when I was 10 though and I turn 19 in two days.

 

[Gustav Hartmann]

Since I was 15. It does not mean that I didn´t enjoy my life and was sucidal from the beginning. I just always wanted to decide how and when I will die as long as it is in my power.

 

[beautifulpristine]

I was 12. I remember taking a shower and crying and wishing my parents were gun owners. I'm almost 30 now, never expected to be here for so long.