How do you love someone when your brain always expects the worst?

[l1f31spa1n]

I'm so damn tired of being insecure. My first girlfriend, when I was 16, cheated on me in the worst way possible. Since then, in every relationship, that shit keeps haunting me. No matter what I do, that insecurity sticks to me like glue.

It's crazy how something inside me can flip without any shouting or drama. I just freeze. My chest tightens. My mind shuts every door one by one, like it thinks running away is the safest option. No anger, no yelling, just this silent panic that makes me step back from the person I care about the most. It feels like my own body is terrified of being hurt again… so it pulls the plug before love has the chance to do damage.

I think I'm not a bad person, so why do I always feel like running? Why do I always end up acting like someone who's broken, someone who would rather be alone than risk suffering again?

I've been tired of life for years. Tired of fighting with myself, tired of carrying this shit around. Even love, the one thing that's supposed to be beautiful, becomes stressful, heavy, a mental torture. I just want this to stop. I just want to live without that fucking insecurity ruining everything.

 

[timf]

Expectations can be tricky. When we get angry, disappointed, or frustrated it usually is a result of a conflict between reality and what we expected. With relationships one usually learns caution moving slowly from one stage to another. When alarming characteristics are identified, a deeper level (and greater emotional investment) can be avoided.

Here thee is a real advantage in being able to make accurate assessments quickly. For example, being able to tell if someone cares about others of is strongly self-seeking can help avoid many that would disappoint.