I've never really wanted to be alive, and have been praying for a way out since idk my first conscious thought(NOT an exaggeration). And as more and more time goes on I can't get myself to physically do or want to do anything. I can only want to 'not do' things and even then that doesn't work to get me to do things. I mean this both on a long term life scale but also in a smaller scale of any second of every day I am just stuck. I could do x,y, & z but I don't want to, and I should do 1,2, & 3 but I can't get myself to do it because I wish I was dead. And I've tried/am trying to get myself to do anything when I don't want to, or to 'do it tired, sad, scared, etc.' but nope! Instead I lay here fretting over it and searching for answers. When "I give myself permission to do nothing" it still doesn't matter, I'm gonna lay here and essentially try and meditate but that'll just turn into me worrying/spiralling until I eventually go on my phone, try something and give up, or move locations(bed-> couch-> other bed-> back to my bed) and repeat this all day long. It's like idk what to do ever at any given moment, and I'm always thinking "now what"/"and then what" and "I just wanna give up and not live anymore".
It's like there's no reason to do anything because the want to CTB is so overpowering of everything else that it doesn't matter. I feel like I'm gonna simultaneously implode and explode every second of the day. If I had a way to CTB that would actually work and it didn't harm/first hand account traumatize anybody(-on there way to/from work, if u get what I'm saying) I would absolutely do it in a heartbeat.
It's like there's no reason to do anything because the want to CTB is so overpowering of everything else that it doesn't matter. I feel like I'm gonna simultaneously implode and explode every second of the day. If I had a way to CTB that would actually work and it didn't harm/first hand account traumatize anybody(-on there way to/from work, if u get what I'm saying) I would absolutely do it in a heartbeat.
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