Venting how do i stop myself from wanting to get worse?

[under]

hi, im new here. my username is under so you can call me that or cyn. i dont want to give out too much information about myself because i have paranoia and trauma of police showing up to my house and sending me away unannounced but im pretty young.

last year was the worst, i tried attempting many times in december due to me losing my friends and my ex doing everything in his power to ruin my life. in january i was sent to the ward for seven days. in febuary one of my good online friends emotionally groomed me and made me have some suicide pact with him / cut for him, used me for sexual desires and all that fun stuff and more. over time these past months ive slowly gotten better. ive secured myself a job, i started doing online school since i was getting harassed in public school, im adopting a cat today. but for some reason i cant help myself from feeling disgusting. i want to get worse, i want to fulfill the wish that i so desperately craved this time last year, suicide. to make all those people who ruined me feel something horrible.

i dont know what im doing wrong, i dont know why im not okay with my life now even tho im not so sad anymore. i dont know why i still cant make new friends, i dont know why i bother living on airplane mode.

admittedly, im still in contact with the friend that groomed me. admittedly i tell him i hate him for what he did sometimes but deep down i wish he would fulfill his promise, to drive where i live just to kill me by strangulation and then kill himself. or not. i dont care what he decides to do with himself, i just feel too much of a pussy to do it myself.
no matter how much i drink to be able to kill myself, i feel myself fade and i get scared. what do i have to live for? why do i bother when i know my life is only going to get worse again and become harder?

my life isnt bad anymore. but i can still feel what she felt. myself from last year. i still think what she does. shes still telling me to hurry up and do it. shes right. but i can't accept that. do i succumb to her and become worse all over again or do i continue to live on airplane mode?

i have nobody left to go to, what do i do?

 

[U. A.]

Sorry to hear of your hardships. These are no small things.
The only thing I have to say is shit circumstances being in the past in the outside world ≠ them being in the past in your internal world. Recovery is a long hard road and bad periods are normal.

 

[Eli]

Hi Cyn, I am Eli. I am so sorry to hear that your online friend treated you in such a terrible way, it might not feel like it, but you did not deserve any of that. Feeling like you want things to get worse is something I definitely can relate to. There is something inside of me that just wants to blow my life up, whether through harmful ways of coping or through suicide, like you mentioned. There is a part of me that wonders if we live on airplane mode long enough, will things ever actually improve? I also want you to know that just because you are working, going to online school, and adopting a cat, doesn't mean you're "supposed" to feel okay now. I know it's a cheesy quote, but healing really isn't linear. You can be doing better and still feel broken inside at the same time. I know I can't fix anything for you and I don't have any answers, but I just wanted to respond to your post to let you know that you're not alone with these feelings.

 

[GettingGone]

I have this deep desire to feel suicidal. Almost a need. It's like my safety blanket in a weird way. These thoughts and feelings are devils I already know. Without these urges to die, I feel lost. And when I feel suicidal, I feel like I have an answer. I feel like I can function. I know it sounds backwards. But I lose my mind when I'm not depressed. I don't know how to feel or be. The common feelings and thoughts of worthlessness keep me grounded.

 

[tir]

I have this deep desire to feel suicidal. Almost a need. It's like my safety blanket in a weird way. These thoughts and feelings are devils I already know. Without these urges to die, I feel lost. And when I feel suicidal, I feel like I have an answer. I feel like I can function. I know it sounds backwards. But I lose my mind when I'm not depressed. I don't know how to feel or be. The common feelings and thoughts of worthlessness keep me grounded.

the desire to not be fine. purposely isolating myself from friends really is something that i don't think anyone would do on a whim but i did anyway. i don't want to feel satisfaction talking to people knowing i am thinking about destroying their lives forever. not like i fully care. i just have it in my mind.