Help How do I stop being emotionally dependent on others?

[YourLocalSadGirly]

I've always been this way where I rely on one person heavily for emotional regulation and comfort. Lately both the people I've relied on are gone from my life. My girlfriend took her life and my ex blocked me. I feel so lost without someone to keep me sane. Not to mention the grief I feel from losing my girlfriend.

I think I feel this way because I'm somehow empty or broken inside and I need another person to fill the hole in my heart. I'm pretty sure I have bpd which would explain why I feel this way but that doesn't help me fix it.

I feel like the only way to feel better is to latch onto someone else like I latched on to my girlfriend and my ex. Anyone who feels or has felt this way I'd love to hear your thoughts. Thank you for reading hope your day is going well <3.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm sorry for your losses. I don't think I'm borderline but, I do tend to latch onto people- the same. I suppose what eventually stopped me is experiencing what you are now- loss. In my case, because my best friend moved away and our lives and priorities took different directions. We barely communicate at all now- maybe once a year, a few flurry of texts.

But, I suppose the hurt at the time felt so bad. Like being cut adrift. I realised I hated that feeling. I hated being so dependent too. I kind of told myself I would have to try to become more self sufficient.

I suppose also, I tackled the problems I needed the most support for. For me- that was limerence- obsessive crushes on guys. My friend would listen so patiently as I said the same old thing over and over.

I think also- the times they made me feel better were like dopamine hits- which just made me want more and more. But of course- that isn't sustainable. It rarely fixed the underlying problem too- ultimately, only I could do that.

So- that's something else I think. To acknowledge maybe they are really just slapping bandaids on top of our problems.

For me- I tackled my limerent obsessions by stopping myself fantasizing about people. Eventually- that calmed me down.

Plus, I suppose- finding other outlets to vent. Here is such a support to just get certain things out.

Initially, it truly was horrible. I think the isolation is amplified when we have previously relied so heavily on others. I can truthfully say I am ok now though- regarding not needing others so much anyway. To the extent, I don't even go looking for that intensity of dependence now. But then- it's maybe took 5, 10 years for things to start to properly calm down. It wasn't particularly quick or easy.

 

[alstroemeria55]

I just don't understand what's so horrible about having a person who's important to you and not wanting to lose them, and to want to receive that same sentiment back. People grieve partners they've lost, is it not acceptable to grieve good friends too? Especially when they're so difficult to find? At least for me. I find it insanely hard to connect to others and then the one time I feel comfortable with someone it seems like the universe deliberately ripped it away from me as painfully as possible so that I continue suffering alone, unloved, and misunderstood.

 

[stillmirenai]

I've always been this way where I rely on one person heavily for emotional regulation and comfort. Lately both the people I've relied on are gone from my life. My girlfriend took her life and my ex blocked me. I feel so lost without someone to keep me sane. Not to mention the grief I feel from losing my girlfriend.

I think I feel this way because I'm somehow empty or broken inside and I need another person to fill the hole in my heart. I'm pretty sure I have bpd which would explain why I feel this way but that doesn't help me fix it.

I feel like the only way to feel better is to latch onto someone else like I latched on to my girlfriend and my ex. Anyone who feels or has felt this way I'd love to hear your thoughts. Thank you for reading hope your day is going well <3.

First of all, what a bombshell. I can't imagine how awful you must be feeling right now. Extending strength and hugs, so you feel better soon.

I've been in a very similar situation, where I depended on people, and they just cut me off completely. I was so heartbroken I wanted to end it all. The guessing games, mental gymnastics, and guilt ate me alive like a horrific three course meal.

Self care and by extension self love are very important in times like these. Hydrate often, try to eat your three meals, all that good stuff. Also, remind yourself that you deserve to be loved. Focus ideally on only what you can control and know, since those are the things you can have a direct effect on, which can be empowering. Guessing games help nobody, especially with mentally fabricated "evidence"!

I agree mostly with your self-assessment, albeit with one personal extra opinion. I think you might need to take a step back and evaluate yourself a little, you know? Ask yourself stuff like, "what kind of things did these people do that made me appreciate their company?" "are there any low-key things, any gestures, etc. that I really liked?", and see if you could replicate them on yourself. Make you appreciate you, if that makes sense.

Try to find your balance, whatever that means for you. Whether it's music, hobbies, pets, or anything else that you can come back to and reset/kill stress with. I would be careful with social media, since it tends to cause more frustration, which you don't need.

Remember you're human as well. Be patient with yourself. It's okay for things to not work the first, tenth, or twentieth time. What matters is that you're investing in yourself, improving little by little, so you can be alone by yourself, but also are able to appreciate company in a healthy manner.

Pro tip: good friends tend to not always agree with you, because they care about you and want to offer their perspective (hopefully) so you can be better equipped to deal with that thing.

You've got this. <3

 

[calebzz1]

Hello, I'm sorry to hear about both of your losses.

My condolences about your girlfriend.

I think that's a normal reaction and not necessarily borderline in nature.

Honestly, what helps given my situation is that I do not need to rely on others for emotional support.

When I became temporarily disabled, the people in my life suddenly quieted dramatically and now it's just my mom and I.

I have experienced a lot of loss in my life since my dad divorced twice.

I lost contact with two whole families and mini ones as well due to my dad's two divorces and his little relationships.

My current situation is that I'm an involuntary NEET due to a complex visual impairment that is challenging for providers to fully cure.

I'm in an awkward spot of having vision enough to barely function but not enough to fully enjoy my old hobbies and get back to work, continue to learn how to drive and start community college.

I still remember trying to confide in my older brother at a family gathering a while back regarding how severe my medical situation is as I wanted the family to take it seriously.

Do you know what his reponse was?

"I work with fucking blind people."

Who does that?

I have two other cousins who have not helped my situation at all despite having the finances and resources.

I already have a white cane that I use when going out, it's too late in a lot of ways.

My mom pulled a "second stunt" earlier this year and almost compromised everything claiming "self-sabotage".

She always responds with one word but talks completely different with her church friends like she isn't interested in what I have to say.

People can change up in a millisecond and then you have no one to rely on emotionally which is why it is important to improve your self-reliance.

Personally, I used to go on SaSu a lot because the people here are relatable and actually provide advice.

The people in my life don't take initiative and I have had to do most of the work in order to be on the path of obtaining disability benefits, living with true visual impairment is not easy and I have gained massive empathy and respect for those who go through it.

All I can do is live a simple life at most if this is more permanent in nature, which is why I'm working hard to improve everything across the board before resigning to the second route.

 

[orpheus_]

I'm really sorry for you, loosing two important people must be incredibly hard, especially with your girlfriend. Grief is difficult, especially combined with other hardships. I wish you to feel better <3

I rely on one person heavily for emotional regulation and comfort

What you mentioned, especially about needing someone for emotional regulation, matches up with BPD symptoms like you mentioned. It can still stem from different things, though.



But if you do have borderline or borderline-like problems, I assume you might:

- experience strong emotions that change quickly and have problems with regulating emotions by yourself

- idealize the person that's currently most important to you (even subconsciously)

- have low self esteem and/or trauma issues

(if any of those does not apply to you, just ignore this aspect of my post)



With that said, what might help you is:

- learning emotional regulation (DBT therapy is good for this for most people but there are also techniques you can learn yourself from I know)

- reminding yourself that every person has both good and bad traits. You can like and respect, even love someone, yet still recognize their flaws and the fact that they are human. Just like you. Technically, you are of equal worth.

- generally obvious but working on trauma/self esteem

Also finding hobbies, trying different things to find something you're good at/you just enjoy that's "yours", not related to other people.
And maybe "scattering" your attention to different people? Trying to make more "casual friends", instead of focusing all your time and energy on one person. Though these are just some random ideas and idk if you haven't tried them yet.

If you have a possibility, I encourage you to get professionally assesed for BPD because that might not only clear things up, but also provide you access to more therapy methods. DBT therapy is known to be helpful for people with this disorder, and generally for people who have problems with emotional regulation. Also medications like mood stabilizers or various anti-anxiety meds can make it easier to deal with.

Also research BPD, read about symptoms management and other people's experiences. If you find that it lines up with what you experience, maybe similar things will help you.

I personally only experienced dependence on one person for a short time and it was more of a savior complex thing from my side than needing someone for supporting me, so it doesn't sound like your experience. So I'm really sorry if I am trying to give advice in something I do not understand first-hand. However I was on the other end as I was in a relationship where another person depended on me heavily, both in emotional and practical aspects. They tested positive for BPD so some problems might overlap. It sent us both to hell and (not entirely) back, but in the end - we're still in a relationship but it's much more normal and "healthy" now. Probably still lots to work on but it's much better, after they got better with therapy and meds. And some things I mentioned above. What helped them the most was socializing with more people and mood stabilizers. Probably working with a good therapist would do much more but it's not really a possibility now

Also just a reminder, regardless of your problems and diagnoses, you deserve relationships and it's perfectly normal and human to get attached to others. What is not normal and not good for both sides, is making someone the one and only scaffolding of your life, comfort and sanity, because if anything goes wrong - you both will fall down.

Sorry for the long answer, I really hope it can help you in some way though.
Good luck!! I think it's good that you notice your problems and want to do something with them