Venting how do I make this scenario any better.

[cureyuri]

Hi, I found this recently when I was trying to find methods on how to die. I really wanted death yesterday, but turns out that's harder than it seems. At least I found a safe place to express my issues.

I feel rather useless, I think that's something you'd expect to hear… but I quite literally cant do anything anymore. All summer I've rotted in my room, I've turned down social events, and I ruined opportunities. I don't understand why. I wanted those things but I couldn't ever get up, I was too anxious to check things, too unwilling to move because of its baggage. I would refuse to go outside because I felt too ugly to be seen. I could attempt hobbies but never complete them, when something needed to be said I'd choke up and be quiet. It's how I've been forever, since I was really young, and my parents have given up on me entirely. They express worry and it really sucks, because worry turns into anger when it's desperate enough. I've been called lazy and "everything being taken as a joke" countless times because I couldn't muster up to ask for help so I'd just pathetically tear up and shut my mouth or indirectly get defensive which fuels more anger. Because of this believed laziness, she'd put me up to a hundred random chores. Taking sticks off roofs, plucking weeds from cracks of our side walk, reheating her food in the microwave and refusing to eat if I hadn't done so, washing the walls of our home, cutting bushes outside, and cleaning this like??? Hoarder room she manifested in the guest room with ALL her stuff, that took weeks. Along with more basic chores. Whenever she'd get angry she'd yell and say I never did anything at all, and I was still lazy and unproductive and haven't done shit. So yeah it sucked. She's the kind of person to think people don't have problems if they're inside often. Is her treatment normal? It feels like shit but she's so sure of justifying it, and I cant really take my word for whether or not that is normal.

Because of all this, I've lost connection with my father because I couldn't keep up with the messages. (Not like he'd bother to call anyway.) my mother constantly has no hope for me, I don't speak with my siblings and only my irl friends really know. This is ruining my life and I cant even do anything because I tense up. It frustrates me. It's so bad, that when I went to get medication for something I was too scared of crying uncontrollably to my doctor (I did everytime) I didn't go. It's stupid I know.


On top of that, I had a more of a situation-ship with a girl I really liked. She was pretty and I spoke to her for hours when we got the chance, we're best friends, we were on good terms. She wanted both of us to mentally be better before dating so hence the situation. Annoyingly, she was also my fp, so I just didn't do well. It was overall too confusing for me. I was basically waiting for her word, which means I had to do a lot of maybes in the situation.
A lot was left in the air, I'm still confused about it if I'm honest. Eventually she didn't text me for about 2 weeks because of an event, and I blew up when I saw she was just playing games w her other friends and didn't bother to text once. I apologized after I had calmed down but it was too late and she didn't want it anymore because it felt like I was "too dooming for her." It made me really upset, but we're still friends. I wish I relaxed. But I understand, unfortunately I still like her a lot. I cant do much about it anymore.
For people who don't know, an fp or a favorite person can be very draining in the sense your entire mood can depend on their state. It god awful, I don't even know how to get rid of it. Reason why a blew up is she basically disappeared in a very vulnerable state for me. But I know she had her own stuff likely. I just wish she told me she was ok instead of having to ask multiple times and her getting mad THAT way. She told me she had "nothing to say" when I asked her why she didn't tell me she was alright sooner. So I blew up. For further context, during this mental state she has, she doesn't do well with messages so I tried to give her space. Made me upset because I was trying to be respectful and got frustrated when she was just playing games with other people while I thought she needed alone time.

I don't care she was playing with others at all that's okay! Im just sad she didn't feel the want to talk again after so long? After being romantic? I'm trying not to text her until she texts me first to help it. It's been 5 days. blugh. I get sad she hasn't even tried to text me once, but it's okay not the end of the world. It all seems childish. I think she has some small resentment? She doesn't like my posts anymore, but she'll post very harsh "I despise you" songs all the sudden? Maybe I'm overthinking it. But it's unusual for her. AUGHH I feel like a 14 year old with this shit. She'll still talk to my face. At least, but only when prompted.

Again these aren't the worst conditions ever. But I'm sick of it. It's happened since I was young and I'm growing tired of being someone who cant complete or do or lose potential all the time because my emotions are too unstable. I break down over small things, I blow up instead of communicating, I hide away when I feel to emotional. It's pathetic and I don't know what to do. I've wanted to die because in the end I'm here. On a random site typing all this, my parents are sure of my failure, all I can do it's cry in bed, and my friends will move on as they are capable. No one is responsible but myself.

I know this is a lot of ramble. But I do want to get better. I want to be able to do better things, I want to feel happy with myself but I don't know how at all. What are the right steps even. Do I tell my parents? Write a letter? Do I tell my friend they were my fp? I'd love to hear input, or advice at this point. I don't really feel like have much to lose right now. I've been suicidal for a long time and I feel like I'm at an ending point if I cant even help myself.

If anyone even just wants to talk that's okay too…I just feel alone I guess.

 

[Helvetic]

Hi Cureyuri, your story is really touching. It is really brave and honorable of you to keep pushing forward and want to do better.

In that sense, I truly recommend you to tell your parents, it's worth the shot (in my personal case I did, but from that point on, it is a long/non-ending process, as it is a lot to be digested), but to do it properly you should indeed write down a letter for a better understanding of yourself, and to know what and how exactly to communicate this (e.g. how you would like them to help and cooperate with you, options/routes to be followed, request such as not being called lazy, best/worst case scenarios on which you have thought about) to your parents in the best way possible.

It is likely they'll keep dismissing/not accepting the reality of your situation to a certain extence (though you can keep trying to request small but signifacant things like not wanting to be framed as a lazy person by them, afterall they are your parents and deep down these interactions have a significant impact, so trying to improve your relation with them is a win overall), but nonetheless writing down one or several letters/notes will help you get clearer and developed ideas of: what you would like of your parents; what routes you can follow/try in order to do/feel better; an overview of yourself in a short and long term; setting goals; progess achieved).

Hoping you the best. ^^