how do I keep going, is it even worth it if I just keep suffering

[sadgirlallonherownn]

Hiya Ive been lurking here for a little and this is my first post bc Im genuinely desparate, my life has never been good and recently it worsened so much and I genuinely dont know how to keep going, Ive had 4 attempts this year alone (3 of which failed in very unfortunate but also funny ways) and one that nearly succeeded and made me clinically dead for 58 seconds but as I am unfortunately writing this I was brought back and now they wont allow me to get any prescription medicine so a lot of things I have considered are off the table I just dont know what to do Ive been trying to ctb ever since I was 12 and never expected to live past that age and had 9 attempts in total but now Im 20 years old and Im still here somehow and I just have no perspective or outlook on life whatsoever, Im completely lonely and isolated at all times I have no friends online or irl with the only company Im having being the voices in my head due to me being schizoaffective, Im also forced to live with my abusive deadbeat drunkard of a father (which is worsened bc he is a trumpie (to put it lightly, gonna attach some of the stuff he puts openly on display) and I am trans) because I am a school dropout and have no idea how to get a job or move out and everything just feels hopeless, I have been thinking up a bunch of methods but they are probably ineffective (the first one being combining 9.5g of diphenhydramine hydrochlorid with 5g of dimenhydrinate and 0.6g if Dextromethorphan then crush it all up and ingest it with just one cup of water to reduce the risk of emesis) but I heard its not usually lethal and instead will just fuck your life up much worse so the second option Im considering is a fall from a 20m tower onto concrete, I know thats a relatively low height but all attempts there ended up fatal (2 cases I know of, one was found too late so we dont know if they survived for a while and another one survived for about 15 minutes even with getting medical attention almost immediately) so it still might not be too bad, alternatively is a Parking Garage with 8 parking floors which should be higher but its also more public and intervention is more likely so Im just unsure, I wish there was just a button I could press to just drop dead on the spot, everything is just too much for me and idk how to cope or deal with any of it and I wish there was just an easy way but most of them are off the table for me bc I live in germany so my access to anything is quite restricted from what I researched and I cant get any prescription medicine anymore, everything feels so hopeless what can I do? Are there easy to do methods? (tested out night night and ligature strangulation but I cant seem to find the right points) I cant even get a therapist bc literally all of them are fully booked, I cannot eat and if Im lucky I can get one meal every 3 days, I cant sleep properly If it continues like this I dont think I can survive the rest of the year

 

[FuneralCry]

It feels so cruel to me how there aren't straightforward ways to just be permanently free from this torturous existence, I also just wish there's the option to just simply cease existing in peace and I always suffer so much from how I cannot just have that, it really sounds like you've suffered so much, I hope you find the relief you search for, I wish you the best.

 

[Irisse]

Hey, I'm so sorry that you have to live with someone like that. I still would rather not attempt jumping from those two structures you've mentioned, the risk of surviving with disability is too high.

Things might improve for you if you moved away so you can express yourself freely. If you can't work, is there a possibility of going back to school or something like a GED in the USA that lets you finish high school later? Maybe going away for college would be good for you since you don't have to live with your dad and you might make friends?

Don't get me wrong, if you decide that this is it, I respect your decision. I'm just trying to say that living alone is different than living with parents, and it wouldn't be a bad idea to exhaust all options before ctb. I wish you the best, whatever your decision is.

 

[sadgirlallonherownn]

It feels so cruel to me how there aren't straightforward ways to just be permanently free from this torturous existence, I also just wish there's the option to just simply cease existing in peace and I always suffer so much from how I cannot just have that, it really sounds like you've suffered so much, I hope you find the relief you search for, I wish you the best.

Yea the world is genuinely so cruel and unfair and like nothing ever seems to get better, I really just wish there was an easy way to go for all of us that wouldnt require to either jump through multiple hoops or having to pay a shit ton, I also hope you can find relief and also wish you the best in whatever you want

Hey, I'm so sorry that you have to live with someone like that. I still would rather not attempt jumping from those two structures you've mentioned, the risk of surviving with disability is too high.

Things might improve for you if you moved away so you can express yourself freely. If you can't work, is there a possibility of going back to school or something like a GED in the USA that lets you finish high school later? Maybe going away for college would be good for you since you don't have to live with your dad and you might make friends?

Don't get me wrong, if you decide that this is it, I respect your decision. I'm just trying to say that living alone is different than living with parents, and it wouldn't be a bad idea to exhaust all options before ctb. I wish you the best, whatever your decision is.

I wanted to live alone and move out for a long time but I have no idea how to do it or what to do, nobody ever taught me and I never made an effort learning because I thought "I dont need that, Ill be dead anyway" and now Im 20 and Im still here and everything is just made so much worse by that and everything just feels like too big of a insurmountable task that Ill never be able to overcome and idk how to cope with it and ctb seems like the best option but its made difficult by not having easy accessible methods, I cant find a way to order SN in germany, I cant find the right spots for the night night and ligature strangulation despite having everything for them and all the other methods are just so much effort that I dont have the energy for and considering everyone that jumped from that tower died I feel it could still be my best option but also those were only 2 recorded cases so the sample size is very small so idk, I dont even mind going through pain for a few minutes if it means that Ill forever be free from the suffering I just wish I had any outlook in life or anything in general but nothing good ever happens and if it does it always ends up making me considerably worse and I genuinely dont know how to deal with it