Help How do I go back to feeling the depressive darkness?

[Obliviate]

Hi,

Been on this site for years. A couple years back I had the most intense, numb, dark, despair, depressed CTB feeling and I want that state of mind back. Incredibly bad. Right now I'm acting like I'm not going to CTB. I need my brain and body to get in the right "mood" in order to CTB if that makes sense. Or I'm not sure if I'll be able to pull it off and my SI will take control.

When I was in that place, nothing could have stopped me from CTB. Because my brain is already incredibly traumatized, it tries to protect itself by forcing happy thoughts, maladaptive daydreaming is literally the only thing keeping me somewhat sane. I had a huge existential crises today when I had a reminder of how little I make in a year not a livable wage at all and how I'm a slave in the system. The thing I'm struggling with that I'm debating back and forth on is I want my last times to be "happy" but then I'm not in the CTB mood. I technically don't want to be immensely depressed when I go but I feel like that's the only way I'll actually be able to go through with it.
Like I don't want to have CTB in my mind 24/7 and spend my last moments with my cats like that.


I find myself worrying about mundane things quite a bit which unfortunately is something we cannot avoid. Like bills, protection, basic hygiene, exercise.

One thing I know people do is try to minimize mundane things like eat a lot less. ( BUT Food is literally one of the only things that make me happy.) and I need energy and strength to do anything.

I already don't leave the house because of agoraphobia. My main concern is the maladaptive daydreaming, I've done it since I was a child again as a way to distract my brain from the trauma and abuse so it's incredibly difficult to just "stop". However I'll try to minimize it.

I was thinking things like stop cooking, buying things (even though I barely do that anyways). Does anyone else have any other methods they suggest? I already isolate myself like crazy.

 

[INYGTRMTFMO]

Jokey answer: read the news -- that should give you plenty of despair and darkness.

Serious answer: Depression, by its nature, has ebbs and flows. Most people experience periods where it is all-consuming and asphyxiating and periods where it's transient and lighter.

I'm also not sure that being in a deeper depressive period inherently makes the SI go away. I've been at the bottom of my hopelessness and self-loathing, and my primitive monkey brain still kicked in and said "NOPE."

 

[Siamese Believe]

You kind've have to let it come back naturally, or watch depressing videos, like this one:

 

[Obliviate]

You kind've have to let it come back naturally, or watch depressing videos, like this one:

That song used to creep me out in a good way. I liked it. This video definitely overstimulated me.

Jokey answer: read the news -- that should give you plenty of despair and darkness.

Serious answer: Depression, by its nature, has ebbs and flows. Most people experience periods where it is all-consuming and asphyxiating and periods where it's transient and lighter.

I'm also not sure that being in a deeper depressive period inherently makes the SI go away. I've been at the bottom of my hopelessness and self-loathing, and my primitive monkey brain still kicked in and said "NOPE."

The thing with the news is that it absolutely helps such as the human rights violations happening currently but they genuinely get me such in such a bad mood that I go numb and can't do regular daily maintenance things. I do look at it often to get me back in the "serious" mood.

That's such an interesting definition of depression wow.

Huh really? it was opposite for me. When I was at the lowest of the low, I was ready to go. But still haven't went so that's something. But essentially being in that deeper depressive state made the SI fall back

 

[TheMadmanJL]

By not giving a fu*k!! If you don't give a damn then it doesn't matter!