Help How do I get back into self harming? (masochism)

[Cauliflour]

I like to make cuts on the top of my arms near where the wrists are (basic I know) and I used to do it a lot a year ago, like once or twice a week. I would make multiple cuts (not very deep because I'm too pathetic to break anything important) and watch them heal under my sleeves. I really miss that feeling but I slowly started to lose it but then got it and now I have no motivation to even though I really want to which is weird, to say the least. I haven't been consistently cutting for all these years but I would get into a routine of a sorts and any change to it would mess it up and it's been like 4 months and my scars are all healed and I look at them and I want to add more scars but I don't have that same desire, which I assume is because of my failed suicide attempt but that doesn't make much sense. I've been feeling pretty shitty the past couple of months ever since that and I did try to cut once after that but I felt nothing. I just watched a bit of blood leave me and went "yep, this is a cut alright" and didn't feel that nice feeling that I usually get (although to be fair, I didn't make as many cuts as I usually do and they weren't as deep).

I know some people on here probably think I'm insane for wanting to harm myself more when people here have full on mental breakdowns when they relapse, but yeah I am probably am a little insane. I daydream about ripping my mouth open with a pointy knife and sewing it back up myself like that scene in Pan's Labyrinth; that's probably a sign of something. Either way, it's become so ingrained into me that it's kinda like an addiction intertwined with my autistic habits but I don't know how to pick it back up. Maybe it's a self esteem thing? I wouldn't be surprised if it is considering I realised how much of a piece of shit I am this year. It's weird 'cause usually it's the other way 'round and I've never seen a case like mine where it's not down to depression or anxiety or low self esteem or whatever. People assume there's something wrong with me and that I need to be fixed but I don't want to be fixed: I want to rip open my arm and get cool stitches that remind me of the pain and mess that cut made and smile. It certainly doesn't help with my feeling of loneliness because nobody will see self harm the way I do and I barely knew what it was when I started so most things I learned was afterwards which definitely messed up my perception on such things. At least this website is a place where people won't constantly tell me to "just stop it".

Also just wanna clarify that this isn't a sexual thing (not on the arms) but hey, the definition on google says "or other gratification" so I'm still technically right but I don't do BDSM (don't wanna kink shame but I think it's gross) so don't get the wrong idea.

 

[Carrot]

(...) but I don't know how to pick it back up.

I'm glad you don't. When I used to cut I just did it shallow and fast. I'm surprised it never hurt at all. I was more afraid of stiches than cutting myself (nobody ever stiched my wounds, they were really shallow and I always convinced them not to do it). I have no idea how stiching wounds works, do they just use a needle on your skin like it was cloth? It's ridiculous to say, but it sounds painful.

Also just wanna clarify that this isn't a sexual thing (not on the arms) (...)

That "that this isn't a sexual thing (not on the arms)" doesn't make it sound any better, if your goal was to convince others it's not a sexual thing (which is fine, I don't care what others do as long as it doesn't harm others). : D

 

[EmptyBottle]

I don't have experience with SH (merely seeing media of it makes me uneasy), tho from what I read in the forum, once SH addiction starts, it can be tricky to stop and there is a risk of going too far.

 

[Cauliflour]

I forgot I made this post but I did some cutting last Friday because it had been like 5 months and I needed something to help calm the thoughts because they were getting restless. Still doesn't feel as good as it was before because I'm out of practice and now I can't go as deep but I want to go from wrist to elbow and I figured out how to use my watch and bracelets to cover my scars that aren't under my sleeves so it's all good.

I don't have experience with SH (merely seeing media of it makes me uneasy), tho from what I read in the forum, once SH addiction starts, it can be tricky to stop and there is a risk of going too far.

I want that to happen tho. I want to harm myself so badly I have to go to A&E to get stitches. I want them to be big and bloody so it scars nicely.

Ironic huh, how the thing people do that makes them depressed is the thing preventing me from slipping into depression. Dopamine's a bitch.

I uhhhhh...I think it is starting to become a sexual thing though...I don't know how to feel about that. Sure as hell gonna make that inevitable conversation with my mum mortifying because she found my scars before I did the bracelet technique :'). She doesn't believe me and thinks I'm stressed or something when I don't cut my arms when I'm stressed, I verbally abuse myself until I get everything done and then go doodle, it's not the same thing at all.

I've been daydreaming about stabbing myself in the side on livestream for fun quite a bit recently but then the hopsital people will ask why I did it and they won't believe me if I said it's for fun and I won't do it again any time soon and they'll chuck me in a psych ward and I'll be away from my computer so I can't make games anymore and if I wasn't actively suicidal then, I would be now! Gotta practice my charisma now so when I do do that when I actually have the guts to go stabby stabby in anything that isn't a capillary, I can convince then to just stitch it up with their most obvious thread and I'll be on my way. Who needs tattoos when you have bodily harm?

Oh what's the point? My entire existence is just a glorification of something horrible but it's either that or make myself have some actual problems to self harm to.
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