Horrible, all horrible

[woofwag]

No one to talk to in these suburbs. Only rows of copy-paste houses which feel more like walls than buildings. I don't have my SN here; I left it at home. So I'm stuck until the 1st. I only did this so I could see my fucking friend since they were so insistent that it's important, but they haven't been making an effort to form plans, so what's the point? I can't feel things anymore. Can't go outside because it's so rainy. Can't go downstairs because I have to talk to my mom. Can't play Stardew Valley or any of my comfort games because my whole room is rearranged, so I no longer have a desk.

Tonight I carved "COME BACK" into my leg. I assume I am referring to the rest of my system. I have little control over what spills out of me. My hand is just a mechanism. I am not connected to it. I miss them so much. Do they even know that I'm going to be killing us? Do they even know how much misery I feel now?

I can't do this I can't do this I can't do this I can't fucking do this, if I didn't know any better I'd try to CBT with OTC meds right now but even that would only cause me more pain so I stand in quicksand that never fully sinks, the weight of my SI and fucking stupid trip home keeping me just above the threshold of being 6 feet under. And it's all I want anymore to be buried forever. Make it stop make it fucking STOP

 

[cakedog]

your situation is very similar to mine i'll also have to wait until ny to be able to ctb
i really regret it specially because i could have done it earlier but now i'm in town with my family for christmas and ny

 

[woofwag]

your situation is very similar to mine i'll also have to wait until ny to be able to ctb
i really regret it specially because i could have done it earlier but now i'm in town with my family for christmas and ny

I'm so sorry to hear that. I also hate having to wait this long. It's fucking miserable. I could have done it earlier too. The only thing I really needed to do was take care of my roomies' pets. I didn't want to burden them with being dead and them having to find a new pet sitter because of that. This sucks so bad. I hope you're able to find peace soon <3

 

[cakedog]

I'm so sorry to hear that. I also hate having to wait this long. It's fucking miserable. I could have done it earlier too. The only thing I really needed to do was take care of my roomies' pets. I didn't want to burden them with being dead and them having to find a new pet sitter because of that. This sucks so bad. I hope you're able to find peace soon <3

you're a very good person for taking care of your roommates pets
and you're right this shit sucks every day feels like an eternity and ctb date can't come soon enough
I also hope you're able to find peace, sending hugs friend

 

[woofwag]

you're a very good person for taking care of your roommates pets
and you're right this shit sucks every day feels like an eternity and ctb date can't come soon enough
I also hope you're able to find peace, sending hugs friend

Thank you, I really appreciate hearing that. Even though we technically are forced to live until ny, I think the both of us are strong for doing so. I mean, we could go flip out and run in front of traffic. Maybe it's comforting to know that this is a decision that is this thought out and not impulsive. The final rest. It will be ok, whether through death or some other miracle. Hugs for you too friend