Venting Hoping bulimia will kill me

[rokonie]

Idk if content warnings are necessary for these boards, but tw for eating disorder talk just in case.

So i'm bulimic, throwing up pretty much every meal daily. On good days i'll purge 1-2 times, normally it's 3, on days I can't control it it's 5-6 or more. Nondisordered people think im just choosing an extremely ineffective weight loss method and lecture me to "diet normally" or fucking hell "love my body" and im fucking sick of it because they don't get it at all. I'm addicted to binging and purging which is why i can't stop, but mainly, bulimia has more potential to be a fast killer than anorexia is (you know that infamous photo of the girl who died in front of the toilet purging?) and at this point i kind of hope my heart gives out during one of my purging attempts.
I think dying from bulimia will make it seem less of a suicide and more of an accident to my family. They'll think im some fat girl who died trying to get skinny.
I don't have other methods.. The only drugs i have access too is benadryl/dph and i know how ineffective and unpleasant that is. I'm too chicken to jump from somewhere high and I don't want to do it in public. I don't have access to firearms.
In the meantime it hasn't killed me, i still feel some of the effects throwing up everything i eat has. My bmi may be healthy but i still feel shaky and lightheaded from electrolyte imbalance and my period comes and goes. It's all "validation" that i'm unwell. Being physically healthy makes me feel like crap because ppl assume you are mentally healthy if your body is fine. Basically i struggle to get out of bulimia because it makes me feel valid while im alive and i know it could be my way out when the time comes.
I feel like this all sounds really stupid to people who dont struggle with b/ping, but there's a load of other reasons why i find my ED weirdly comforting to indulge in and im not just purely using it to ctb.

 

[_Gollum_]

I relate so hard, one of the attractions of my ED has always been the feeling of having one foot over on the side of death. There is a comfort in knowing that sudden cardiac arrest is always a possibility, no matter how remote it actually is. Every time I get any kind of cardiac symptom I cross my fingers and hope to die.

 

[rokonie]

Right, it's like there's always a way out. Having either AN or BN (or cycling through these with EDNOS) long-term is a way to guarantee that you won't spend much time on this earth because of the damage you're doing to your body. It's reassuring in a dark sense.

 

[ms crazy_nobody]

I relate too much to this the main cause of my Ed is my suicidal ideation always might die from it anorexia but especially bulimia you never when you heart could just stop

 

[vadim]

I like to add alcohol abuse and smoking to the mix for increased death by disease acceleration. Drunkorexia FTW.

I also relate a lot to not wanting to look healthy when you feel unwell. I might be forced to pretend like things are fine when I'm with people but I can at least communicate my suffering through how I look. In a way, it's like a silent protest against the facade of okayness we're forced to put on if we want to be treated like human beings by people and institutions.