Venting Hesitation is the bane of my life

[puppet_nihilist]

I'm just gonna say fuck it and lock myself in the penthouse and then just do it. I think I can go for full suspension from a hook that supports the curtains up there. Partial isn't working for me since I keep waking up and pussying out, idk how the fuck people actually complete partial hanging, the videos are out there and they do it, I just don't know how to implement it well.


I cannot take this hell anymore, it's so difficult to die, I tried so many approaches and I keep getting injured even worse every damn time. It's demoralizing having to keep telling myself "today is my last day" every single miserable day. Who the fuck am I joking to? Seriously, like it's such a naive joke "today I'll make sure I'll die," then proceeds to fail meeting my own expectations. It is so stupid and naive, a silly joke that's all.

Fuck my comfort, I'm obliterating myself tonight, as soon as my family sleeps I'll just go up there and end it efficiently. This time it has to count, I do not have any other option at this point. Just a miserable 13 hour wait and this pathetic existence will hopefully end in a hopefully brutal way, I could not care less about my comfort at this point. I just need to immerse myself in this intense desire of wanting to end it all, I can't keep hesitating every day. Why am I still alive? Am I just playing games with myself, why am I fucking with myself on such an important choice? Jesus I'm going insane. I have to absolutely die tonight, I can't be just all talk, I've sacrificed so much time, effort, and pain to reduce my SI and I even got abused over it. I can't throw all that away simply because "not feeling like it today," or "omg suicide is scary." I can do it, I will do it.

 

[death137]

I relate with what you are saying. I wish you success.

 

[heretogethelp]

None of us are alone in our pain, on SS we can discuss our real feelings.

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish you peace if this is the option you want. It really is hard to take our own lives I agree. If only there was peaceful ways out if we wanted one. None of us deserve the suffering that this life gives them.

 

[WornOutLife]

It really breaks my heart to see the hell you're in. Life is just so unfair...

Whatever happens, wish you lots of love and peace!!!

Hugs,

Matt

 

[Wraith]

I haven't had any success with partial either. If I recall correctly, the probability of completing suicide is quite low, but if we keep trying we gotta be successful eventually, right? In the end, I do hope you find peace - both of us, actually.

 

[puppet_nihilist]

I haven't had any success with partial either. If I recall correctly, the probability of completing suicide is quite low, but if we keep trying we gotta be successful eventually, right? In the end, I do hope you find peace - both of us, actually.

Check epidemiology. You're right, for every successful suicide you have 11-25 nonfatal/failed suicide attempts. I'll keep trying though until the grim reaper welcomes my desperate soul.