help ? :(

[thefarter]

hey everyone. or hello to whoever sees this

basically. im so afraid. that i will never meet another human being that doesn't hold my past against me. because i've been so awful in the past. and i wasn't self-aware. and i like to think i am a bit more self-aware now.. and i am genuinely trying to be a better human being.

im just afraid. because i got doxxed. so Yeah i think everyone thinks im evil. and i made a friend and he's really cool but i'm afraid he might think i'm evil because of how i used to be.

at one of my old jobs, i basically ended up being the laughing stock of the entire office because i was so much. although it was a very very bad period in my life. and i was making a lot of bad decisions. and acting in ways that were crappy.

and also, i come on very strong i think. like when i want to be friends. i think it's silly. i also know i shouldn't idealise him. i don't think i am. ik we are all exceptionally flawed human beings. and i am staying very open to the possibility that he just thinks i'm evil and may not want to continue being friends with me after a while. and while that will hurt, it is my fault in the end. it won't hurt as much if i remind myself that that is a very real outcome.

anyway basically i overthink a lot.

i think it's best to isolate and just keep to myself honestly. that way i can just ctb and disappear without hurting as many people.

 

[martyrdom]

It's really difficult to answer this meaningfully without knowing what it is you have done or that everyone hates you for. I mean, it's one thing to have gone through some edgy phase as a teenager for example, and another to be a rapist or a pedophile or something like that. But there are plenty of apologists even for those (including here).

 

[greenbeans]

Its hard to actually know how people feel when you overthink. I know it happens to me to. But what i did is i just found people who dont know about my past because its the easiest way. I have a few friends that do know but thats because ive told the ones i trust to not change because of what I've done when i was not thinking straight. But dont isolate yourself from people because if you have people that you can hurt it can help keep you away from ending it.

 

[thefarter]

It's really difficult to answer this meaningfully without knowing what it is you have done or that everyone hates you for. I mean, it's one thing to have gone through some edgy phase as a teenager for example, and another to be a rapist or a pedophile or something like that. But there are plenty of apologists even for those (including here).

yea i felt that. so i dont wanna have to recall my entire life rn because i dont even remember a lot of it. or most of it online. but a few yrs ago it jsut started out with me lying a lot out of shame. so yeah now i guess people view me as an evil person that hurts people and lies for personal gain or manipulation or something. also crap choices as a teen yeah.. i wasn't thinking about how my actions might affect other people. idk but it's also like am not lying anymore but i guess nobody believes i have the capacity to be a better person now or something. not a rapist, racist, pedo, murderer or anything.

 

[martyrdom]

yea i felt that. so i dont wanna have to recall my entire life rn because i dont even remember a lot of it. or most of it online. but a few yrs ago it jsut started out with me lying a lot out of shame. so yeah now i guess people view me as an evil person that hurts people and lies for personal gain or manipulation or something. also crap choices as a teen yeah.. i wasn't thinking about how my actions might affect other people. idk but it's also like am not lying anymore but i guess nobody believes i have the capacity to be a better person now or something. not a rapist, racist, pedo, murderer or anything.

I may not know what you lied about but it frankly sounds like a stupid teenager mistake that shouldn't have been punished like that. The people who doxxed you are leagues worse than whatever you did, from what it sounds like. I don't think you're evil and no one sane would think that either most likely, again with a grain of salt since idk the details. Try to focus on real life since it was mostly contained to the internet, I don't know how old you are now but as you grow older the stuff you did as a teenager will become less and less relevant in your life, it won't dominate the way it seems to be now.