hard to find a hanging tree/frustrated mentally

[monetpompo]

Getting more frustrated by how I can't find a place to hang. I felt guilty asking my dad to drive me to a trail again and I knew he would try to loan money from me again, so I went on a long walk around my neighborhood looking at the trees. Most of the trees around me are tall and thin, or in public areas. It would feel really peaceful (and more economical) to ctb in a forest than in a hotel, so I'm still trying to go that route. I also thought about going into the city because I know there's bridges. I mostly just want to die soon because I feel like I'm burdening everybody and I can't stand to keep living with my mom when I can hear her voice throughout the house every single day and all she does is tell me she has no money. I'm tired. I want to spend every day outside of the house because it makes me calmer, but I know I have to go home eventually even though it makes me anxious. I still have no one I can spend time with, so I'm thinking about hooking up with randoms again even though that would make me feel used up and more lonely. I just want something to relieve my stress and isn't some form of self harm, but I'm worried that I feel the most calm when I'm doing something that harms me. With the way I'm going, I feel like I expect myself to die.

I don't want to be here anymore because I think that no one wants me to be here. Every day loops into the next one. I feel restless from the fact that there's people out there with lives, jobs, relationships, and hobbies, meanwhile I want to kill myself and I'm looking for ways to kill myself. I just want it to be over. I just want to stop thinking about all the things that make me upset. I want to stop coping. My default state of existence is coping. I don't know when I'm not coping. I want to be completely devoid of thought. If someone could hit me over and over again, I would feel like I have more significance to the world than I do right now. I have very little worth as a suicidal person because there's very little about in my depressed state that makes me someone fun to be around or hireable for a job. I want to be hurt so badly because I feel like I deserve it when no one pays attention to me. If I self harm it only makes people uncomfortable, but if I'm hurt by someone else then people feel like they need to take care of me because someone bad (not me) hurt me instead. I have intrusive thoughts about acting crazy in front of people or acting like I'm an idiot because I feel like someone would look me in the eyes and talk to me like a human being, even if it's just to ask me, "What are you doing?". I just want to be seen. I feel so ugly and useless all the time and I think it's getting worse.

 

[AreWeWinning]

Getting more frustrated by how I can't find a place to hang. I felt guilty asking my dad to drive me to a trail again and I knew he would try to loan money from me again, so I went on a long walk around my neighborhood looking at the trees. Most of the trees around me are tall and thin, or in public areas.

If it's in a public area, that's risky, indeed. But what's wrong with tall and thin trees? You even reacted to my post here. :) It's possible to tie an Anchor Hitch or a Round Turn & Two Half Hitches around a tree's trunk, and it works. It's very easy to do, and it holds securely. The only reason a person might not want to use such a setup is if they are afraid they would turn around and grab the trunk once they had stepped off. It's definitely a risk, but I'm not sure how big of a risk it actually is.

 

[monetpompo]

But what's wrong with tall and thin trees?

hmm..... you may have a point...
i guess i'm worried about my weight snapping the tree? i definitely could visit another forest trail later to get a scope of the trees there, or settle with a tree in my neighborhood. i just figured that when a tree's skinny, it's more prone to breaking. i'll practice an anchor hitch at home. would i still need a stool to elevate myself?

 

[AreWeWinning]

would i still need a stool to elevate myself?

Whether you need a stool depends on whether you'd like full or partial suspension.

i guess i'm worried about my weight snapping the tree?

Regarding tree strength, if it's a mature tree and you're using the trunk, it's almost certainly strong enough – there's not much to think about.

If it's a branch, the simplest way to assess it is: pull on it, and if it doesn't bend too much, then it's strong enough. If it's a dry, dead branch, that's a different story. But if it's a healthy, living tree, it's almost impossible to pick a branch that isn't strong enough, because it'll give plenty of warning signs before it breaks. As an experiment, you can try to break a small twig of a live tree. You'll find that it's so incredibly strong and flexible that it just refuses to break. Larger branches behave similarly, just on a bigger scale.