girafeli
it's okay
- Dec 23, 2025
- 39
I've been dealing with so much self-hatred, anxiety, and catastrophizing the past month. For the last week, I was sure I my professor failed me, and that I won't graduate. I didn't check my emails in a month because I was so sure I was hated. I was so sure I wasn't forgive. I was so sure I wasn't accepted. I was so sure I failed. I was so sure I wouldn't graduate this year.
I fell asleep at around 5:40 am. Woke up at 7:40 am after having a dream. It was the very situation I had been catastrophising for the past month, but it...didn't feel like a nightmare. My other professor, a priest (im not religious but that is such a coincidence), was the one to tell me he couldn't let me graduate anymore. IDK him just telling me that straight out in a way that wasn't hostile at all...just made me spill everything. I told him I wanted to die. I told him about my anxiety, my self-hatred, my catastrophizing, that I want to die and that despite all that I have been trying my best to be better. I know it was still a dream, but it felt so good to just be able to explain it to someone. He still told me I couldn't graduate, but at that point, I've already accepted that reality for myself. I've already begun to accept myself in my dream.
I was able to forgive myself and continue living. I felt accepted, that I was forgiven.
I then asked him where I could find my other professor (the one I've been scared to contact the past month), he told me he didn't know and that I should just wait for her.
Then, I just woke up. and when I did, I didn't have a panic attack, I didn't feel anxiety. I just took my phone out, checked my emails for the first time in a month and just read what my professor had sent me. She said she gave me a passing grade, and that she'll wait for my next submissions. She said she believed I could do better. I felt so...accepted? I still feel like shit right now because that's not the only thing in my life making me want to die, but I didn't expect for things to be so...gentle. It's been a long time since her last email, but I think I can continue on now.
I'm not religious or anything, but I feel like the world has chosen to be kind to me today and I am grateful for that.
I fell asleep at around 5:40 am. Woke up at 7:40 am after having a dream. It was the very situation I had been catastrophising for the past month, but it...didn't feel like a nightmare. My other professor, a priest (im not religious but that is such a coincidence), was the one to tell me he couldn't let me graduate anymore. IDK him just telling me that straight out in a way that wasn't hostile at all...just made me spill everything. I told him I wanted to die. I told him about my anxiety, my self-hatred, my catastrophizing, that I want to die and that despite all that I have been trying my best to be better. I know it was still a dream, but it felt so good to just be able to explain it to someone. He still told me I couldn't graduate, but at that point, I've already accepted that reality for myself. I've already begun to accept myself in my dream.
I was able to forgive myself and continue living. I felt accepted, that I was forgiven.
I then asked him where I could find my other professor (the one I've been scared to contact the past month), he told me he didn't know and that I should just wait for her.
Then, I just woke up. and when I did, I didn't have a panic attack, I didn't feel anxiety. I just took my phone out, checked my emails for the first time in a month and just read what my professor had sent me. She said she gave me a passing grade, and that she'll wait for my next submissions. She said she believed I could do better. I felt so...accepted? I still feel like shit right now because that's not the only thing in my life making me want to die, but I didn't expect for things to be so...gentle. It's been a long time since her last email, but I think I can continue on now.
I'm not religious or anything, but I feel like the world has chosen to be kind to me today and I am grateful for that.
