Venting Growing up in a sheltered extremist religion (a cult by some standards) has led to the death of my identity and the inevitable end of my life

[Lou_Charthethird]

Since i was born, i was taught to believe that I was i was inherently superior and more valuable than those not a part of my religion. That we were this master race and that everyone who wasnt as lucky could go die for all we cared(and if they were a minority, all the better). I only ever realized this wasnt the case a few years ago. Yet i was still forced to live among people that didnt question this precedent. Ive been in a bubble, sheltered from the outside world with no understanding of how the normal works. I wish i couldve been born in a place where LGBTQ people (as one myself) or racial minorities werent just seen as sub human. I want to be a part of the rest of the world. I never asked to be a part of this. There is obviously more fucked up things than just the racial superiority, things that i just CANT explain to anyone on the outside(not out of fear or discomfort, but because they literally cant be understood by people on the outside), but that core part of their ideology has led to the death of my being. I cant feel my thoughts, everything that i form opinions on I dont feel, like an act. Same goes for my emotions, I cant feel good nor bad, Its painfully boring and pointless to exist. Its been so long since i last felt any true emotion. Ive just been existing with no real drive to live(in fact i dont even have a drive to die either, which would also be impossible. It feels as if im forcing myself to kill myself since i cant truly consider any action anymore). I dont feel as if i exist anymore, its honestly one of the more comforting thoughts when i tell myself "im not me" so i shouldn't take accountability for anything that i do cause im not me and i never will be again. I never had a chance or a choice, and im going to be dead very soon by awful circumstances outside of my control.