Venting grieving the life i will never get to live

[evergreen_forest]

im someone who easily finds happiness and joy in the little things.

i never wanted much out of life. i can find contentment in simplicity.

i have so much love and warmth to give.

so why am i suicidal?

i dont want to die. not at all. i want to live. but i NEED A WAY OUT.

my existence is AGONIZING. i am riddled with horrific trauma.

i have made a series of decisions that have led to the worst possible outcomes. i never could have known. ive done everything "right". i look at my younger self and i just had no fucking idea what was coming for me.

i have nothing left. except absolutely harrowing trauma.

i need the pain to stop. thats why im suicidal.

i would give ANYTHING to go back and get a do-over in my life. i want to live. but its too late.

it makes me so fucking sad. im not like this. im not supposed to be like this. im supposed to be such a peaceful and loving person. im grieving the woman i was supposed to grow into. oh my god

 

[GremlinCan56]

I am sorry that you are in so much pain. I can definitely relate to wishing life had turned out different or wishing there was a more livable version and existence being agonizing and needing the pain to end asap.

No two situations are the same but I feel you.

 

[badatparties]

Yeah. trauma really turns us into monsters. I hate seeing the person I've become. Maybe the universe is cyclical and when you die, a trillion years will pass in the blink of an eye, and we'll get another chance.

We were dead for billions of years and it passed just like that. I just have hope that death will heal everything.

 

[thisIsNotEnough]

Such a shame that trauma makes it almost impossible to live for some of us, even when we don't have really high standards for our happiness.
Like we should be the happiest people alive, but no, we're traumatized and doomed to misery instead.
The worst part is we don't want to die so it's incredibly difficult to ctb when that may be the only thing that will end our torment.

I hope you're able to find an end to your suffering someday <3

 

[badatparties]

That's why i lmao when people say your grow/learn from trauma and bad experiences. No the fuck you don't. Society just tells you these things because they like to huff on the strongest copium possible.

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

Same. But there's no way back. At least not for me.

 

[Pale_Rider]

Trauma will crush your insides that's for sure.

 

[MicahBell]

im someone who easily finds happiness and joy in the little things.

i never wanted much out of life. i can find contentment in simplicity.

i have so much love and warmth to give.

so why am i suicidal?

i dont want to die. not at all. i want to live. but i NEED A WAY OUT.

my existence is AGONIZING. i am riddled with horrific trauma.

i have made a series of decisions that have led to the worst possible outcomes. i never could have known. ive done everything "right". i look at my younger self and i just had no fucking idea what was coming for me.

i have nothing left. except absolutely harrowing trauma.

i need the pain to stop. thats why im suicidal.

i would give ANYTHING to go back and get a do-over in my life. i want to live. but its too late.

it makes me so fucking sad. im not like this. im not supposed to be like this. im supposed to be such a peaceful and loving person. im grieving the woman i was supposed to grow into. oh my god

I like to hope time is non-linear. If we get a second chance at life then maybe it's in a different time, not necessarily in the future. Maybe we can change things. I don't really want to be dead. I want things to be different

 

[unbelievablydead]

im someone who easily finds happiness and joy in the little things.

i never wanted much out of life. i can find contentment in simplicity.

i have so much love and warmth to give.

so why am i suicidal?

i dont want to die. not at all. i want to live. but i NEED A WAY OUT.

my existence is AGONIZING. i am riddled with horrific trauma.

i have made a series of decisions that have led to the worst possible outcomes. i never could have known. ive done everything "right". i look at my younger self and i just had no fucking idea what was coming for me.

i have nothing left. except absolutely harrowing trauma.

i need the pain to stop. thats why im suicidal.

i would give ANYTHING to go back and get a do-over in my life. i want to live. but its too late.

it makes me so fucking sad. im not like this. im not supposed to be like this. im supposed to be such a peaceful and loving person. im grieving the woman i was supposed to grow into. oh my god

i feel this so deeply. that's why i'm here too. i used to love life and found joy in all the little things. i had dreams, goals, and a plan for my life. i knew myself and what i wanted and what was right vs wrong. and then i made a really bad mistake and now i'm just riddled with terrible trauma. now, i can't even imagine making it to the new year. it's not that i want to die, i just don't want to live in the body, with this brain, and with this life. a couple of people here have said the same thing, but my hope is also that somehow we are able to come back and get that second chance at some different point in time. i know that may be naive, but it's something that at least brings me a bit of comfort as i get ready to ctb. wishing you peace in this life or another, whatever you decide <3

 

[fkyou]

Same I grieve the fact that I'll not be able to live a life like the rest of people that's why the faster I ctb the less agonizing it is once I'm dead there's nothing to grieve

 

[endlesstranquility]

Same...

 

[frail]

i see myself in your message. i love and hope you find peace with yourself

 

[madameviolette]

I could have written that

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

i would give ANYTHING to go back and get a do-over in my life. i want to live. but its too late.

Preach! It would have been so easy to be a good person. I just can't believe what I did instead.

 

[Zyntkalla]

im someone who easily finds happiness and joy in the little things.

i never wanted much out of life. i can find contentment in simplicity.

i have so much love and warmth to give.

so why am i suicidal?

i need the pain to stop. thats why im suicidal.

i would give ANYTHING to go back and get a do-over in my life. i want to live. but its too late.

it makes me so fucking sad. im not like this. im not supposed to be like this. im supposed to be such a peaceful and loving person. im grieving the woman i was supposed to grow into. oh my god

I wish I had the choice. I was born with epilepsy and it started around 13. And ever since my life is shit. I i already had issues before then. With learning mainly. But it just made it ten times worse and hating everything even more.

 

[MrsT-800]

i see myself in your message. i love and hope you find peace with yourself

I just want to commend you for such a simple yet charitable response. Empathy, kindness, letting OP's post and feelings speak – this was somehow really refreshing to pass by. I hope for your peace, too

 

[shampoo sniffer]

+1 to everything you wrote. I have childhood trauma. Never got to build a life for myself. The grief is real.