Got my college admission results and its one of the final nail in the coffin to ctb

[madmanbadman]

Well i got my results from one of the big four colleges in my country

And i did not pass my own dream course,fuck fuck man
I wanna cry genuinely i do, and i can't even because i know no one will care

this is like one if the final nail in the coffin of why i wanna ctb like really it is because like i will confess ive had that thought of like "what if i do survive ill be alright"
But no this is what cemented it since i told myself back then that ill pass and ill tell my abuser who also wants the same course i have. That even after all the bs i will stay in this course and that "i am somebody"
But hey they did pass and fair is fair,gotta give them credit for that

Now im gonna have to feel the same level if powerlessness that they did

When my peers were showing like them passing i was fantiszing like doing a fernando alonso pose in my school when i pass but now i don't
My pass i can't let go
My present is fucked
And My future is dead
So is my dreams

I failed,i failed to tell to everyone "your wrong about me,im not that sex object anymore" but oh well guess i still am and i hate it

I won't be beautiful like _____
Nor be smart or creative or leader ship or even have integrity like _____,_____,______,_____,______
I don't want to live a life where i can't even be me,i've done it for 19 years and i won't do it for 30 more years
It's agony

This is another nail in the coffin
God please be merciful to me im begging
Im a monkey a pathetic sexually abused monkey who should have died years ago

 

[geepeedee]

My pass i can't let go
My present is fucked
And My future is dead
So is my dreams

feeling this. sorry op

 

[madmanbadman]

feeling this. sorry op

This made my day a bit better thxxx

 

[BQ27500]

Fuck the school system bro

 

[Lazuli]

Failures are painful, but is there no other path you can explore? A good college besides the big 4? Or maybe attempting again next year when you're more prepared and familiar with the exams material?

 

[Worndown]

Is your country a "go to these schools or die" kind of place?
FYI, there are other things that need doing in every country that those schools do not teach. Loot at alternate careers.
Do you wear a suit...no.
Is that the only way to live...NO.

Start lookkng for plan B.

 

[madmanbadman]

Is your country a "go to these schools or die" kind of place?
FYI, there are other things that need doing in every country that those schools do not teach. Loot at alternate careers.
Do you wear a suit...no.
Is that the only way to live...NO.

Start lookkng for plan B.

Yup sadly if you want to get a good job here with pay in the philippines or work abroad usually its the big four and only the big four
Nothing else

Failures are painful, but is there no other path you can explore? A good college besides the big 4? Or maybe attempting again next year when you're more prepared and familiar with the exams material?

Thats also not possible since like relatives don't want me to work even when i begged for work even went to alot of help wanted places they couldn't really have someone who has ptsd work in their area