opulentfish
New Member
- Oct 31, 2025
- 2
i dont know if loss is the word to describe it, maybe despair or hopelessness (both synonyms tbh)
i kick myself for not having ctb at my happiest so that I don't go back to feeling my lowest, the highs are never good enough to justify going on. the only thing i wanted was for someone to love me (romantically) as much as i would them, because i dont want for much else.
they don't care about me nearly as much as i'd like, and i regret letting myself get used to those intermittent highs. i used to be either fine or sad, and i was okay with that, i haven't really known much else, when i have been happy, it's been sporadic and materialistic. i now know what it feels like to be happy for more than a day, and i'm afraid to ctb now. fuck you for making me happy once and ripping it along with my conviction out of my hands.
trying to get used to feeling like there's nothing to live for again so i can do myself a favour and commit when i'd thank myself for it (like now)
i kick myself for not having ctb at my happiest so that I don't go back to feeling my lowest, the highs are never good enough to justify going on. the only thing i wanted was for someone to love me (romantically) as much as i would them, because i dont want for much else.
they don't care about me nearly as much as i'd like, and i regret letting myself get used to those intermittent highs. i used to be either fine or sad, and i was okay with that, i haven't really known much else, when i have been happy, it's been sporadic and materialistic. i now know what it feels like to be happy for more than a day, and i'm afraid to ctb now. fuck you for making me happy once and ripping it along with my conviction out of my hands.
trying to get used to feeling like there's nothing to live for again so i can do myself a favour and commit when i'd thank myself for it (like now)
