Venting god is a hoarder

[batmanreal]

i'm not religious at all. i find the idea of religion fascinating (and very harmful), and that's the extent of it; but i always think as if there is a god. idk if that makes sense. i don't believe in god, but whenever i'm going through anything, my first thought is to question why god is making those things happen. when i'm especially desperate and breaking down, i resort to prayer or asking god to kill me/make it stop. again, i don't believe in god and i dropped religion when i was really young. i think i just default to those thoughts because it's ingrained into my mind or something.
that was all kind of pointless, i just wanted to get out out there.
here's some somewhat-religious rambling from a non-religious person.

i'm just really upset that i'm alive. not just because i'm miserable, but because i'm not providing anything. i'm completely worthless. i haven't impacted anyone or anything. i'm just existing, providing nothing and wasting resources like a useless object. i don't understand why any someone so useless has to exist. there are so many people, myself included, who live an entire life being worthless. why should an individual like that even exist? i believe in building your own worth and meaning. no one's born with a specific purpsoe to serve, there's no meaning to anyone's existence; i think that's something for each person to tackle and create on their own for themselves. i just don't care enough to do that. my efforts are pretty useless, anyway. everything i do yields no outcome. nothing is happening. if something does happen, it just hurts me more. a being like this should just be put down instead of taking up space. it would be different if i was living aimlessly and miserably, while still providing something to other people or things—but that's not the case. even bringing harm to others is a way to provide something, but i barely even provide hurt to other people. that's how meaningless i am. no matter what i do, positive or negative, i just don't mean anything to anyone. why would any god bring such a pointless existence into this world? just manifesting and collecting people like dust bunnies, then making it difficult for them to escape. like a damn hoarder. nothing and no one will be affected regardless of whether i stay or leave, i don't want to be here, so what the hell is the point?

 

[EternalHunger]

I feel this a lot. I would hate myself so much for how much I've hurt everybody around me, but I think I'm realising nothing I've ever did truly done anything; not any good or bad but absolutely 0 impact to anyone. I could've never have existed and there would be no real changes to anyone's lives, as they were all already in their lowest and going to go through whatever actions they did whether or not I was there. Nothing about me or my existence fundamentally mattered and I'm sure there's countless stories just like mine in a similar position; as I was raised in a Christian 'household', even if I'm not so now it still hurt to realise how utterly pointless my existence really is to the point where everything I ever even attempted always just came down flat, like a testament to my utterly empty state of living. I'm not special and no-one ever truly considered me as such for them no matter how much they told me otherwise.
I try to think back on life just to realise there was nothing, it's eating me up the more I focus on it. There was never a 'life' to be had.

I'm not sure if this is exactly the same as how you are feeling but this post really resonated with me, there's no real words that could really 'comfort' as it's just painfully always will linger in the back of our heads and over whatever this state of living is; I'll just try to give my view on it although it's hard to separate it from some religious-y nonsense.

If a god existed, I imagine them being a cruelly neutral being that holds equally 0 value to all life; can't really imagine each individual life form being a direct creation of such a being, but this god setting everything off before letting existence run it's course. I don't see any possible reason why life in general would hold weight in comparison to everything else in the eyes of divinity, as we are just slightly more complex systems of particles that tries but fails to 'imitate' something more, either this god or the more likely explanation of intelligence just being an accidental by-product of evolution that we over-evaluate.
From that viewpoint, ultimately nothing has any actual impact as the entirety of existence, life and human history are just a infinitesimally tiny blip within time and space, alongside there being no reason to assume any of our actions will 'mean' something whether or not we affect others. For those that seem to not even impact this tiny corner of reality, there is no grand purpose or reasoning to it as we were never expected to find or build some sort of meaning or impact anything in the first place... We, as rational creatures, just expect there to be one due to cognitive bias built on our egocentric perspective of the world and skewed views on worth; it doesn't help with how much I've grown to hate everything but it's just something to think about.