Venting Giving up on "passion"?

[OvercastingClouds]

I'm just gonna be venting my mind off here so yeah.

I'm in a strange state mentally right now, when it comes to having passion about something. I'm unsure if I'm passionate about anything, ever. There's nothing I'm interested in nor motivates me... except for art.

I remember clearly back in elementary school, I wasn't into art much before but after getting access the internet I discovered the online art community which suddenly inspired me to do art. I wanted to to become some good popular artist online. That's what motivated me, for people to see me and say I'm good, to enjoy my stuff. I would draw countlessly when I could, to post it online in hopes of someone noticing my stuff and hoping to get popular, getting inspired by others. Then middle school happened and I got depression. Slowly but surely I drew less and less, and I felt bad I wasn't creating but I had no motivation. Time passed, I grew insecure about my art because I wasn't improving because I didn't draw. I compared myself to others and felt worse. I had nobody who cared about my stuff so I wasn't getting no sense of validation.

I would constantly scroll on social media and seeing others art, how they draw everyday. I get envious, so envious, and I hated myself, because why couldn't I be like them? Why couldn't I be motivated like them? The only thing that reignited my spark a bit was meeting a online frend who was into art. In fact, they wanted to talk to me and liked my art, which motivated and made me happy. I'd draw with them all the time. We became close, met their friend and became a group. However, my depression still got in the way and my insecurities. They are much better at art then I am, they draw everyday and study it, they have a bunch of friends wanting to see their stuff and whatnot. I'm happy for them but a part of me is envious. How good they have it. I'll support them but I feel bad for myself. They're the only people that motivate me to draw because there's no point otherwise. I gave up on the thought of becoming some popular online artist. I want to be able to draw for myself but...I'm not motivated to? I don't understand why.

I feel like this whole time I built that hobby off wanting validation. Was I ever passionate about it? What does it mean to be passionate about something? It makes me sad. I don't want to give up on art, it's pretty much all I have and what I've centered around almost forever. It's apart of me. If I lose that then what am I? Who am i? It's my only sense of identity. I want to create but I want to be seen? I should learn to create for myself but yet I can't find the motivation to. Like apart of me is wanting someone to see and care about it. I was motivated when I thought someone cared about my ideas, or potentially would. I always cared for others work behind the scenes but I was always invisible.

I'm angry. Angry that I ever got depression. I know if I hadn't I wouldn't be like this. Or maybe it's not my depression and me relying on validation as a motivater. I don't know how to change this mindset. I want to be passionate. I want to be like those artist that draw everyday like it's their lifestyle. I want to study, I want to create. I give up too easily due to my high standards in my head and thinking about showing it off.

I have no idea what it's like to be passionate about something. I don't want to give up but I can't do anything.

 

[nooneyouknow]

honestly I cant say much besides I get it, from one artist to another. I get it and Im sorry. if you want someone to talk with more in depth abt this or show off your art, I'm here.

 

[WhatCouldHaveBeen32]

The problem with passion and hobbies is that most people NEED to be "forced" to do it as children, we've seen time and time again that children can be made into grandmasters in every activity to ever exist, this is literally a problem with bad parenting and bad nurturing.

Everyone is capable of doing anything in theory, the problem isn't that , the problem is that you've been failed on all fronts and now you have to fight 50 battles at once. My grandparents could probably play video games and do decently well at it with training, do you think they'll even consider putting in effort? of course not. Activities are not impressive, it's just who is lucky enough to be able to afford doing them from either early age or from a place of privilege where they have/always had a good support system and no mental illneses.

I'm sorry for the situation you find yourself in, I can't do anything more than feel sorry, that's the truth of it, this world isn't build to repair anything that is broken and doesn't earn money. See how jobs are easy to do , the menial ones at least? that's because society wants even the worst offenders of illness to be able to work , it's disgusting, you could probably work before you could do even your most beloved passion in this world. No support system, no empathy, only competition.


I gave up on all of that, this world can go rot until it becomes hell itself.