Discussion Getting serious about CTB

[Blackroom_57]

I have come to the realization that I may have to actually kill myself in order to get rid of my pain.

Background: have brain damage from multiple psychotic episodes (I'm somewhere on the schizo spectrum) and recently developed ulcerative colitis which has devastated me. Everyday I wake up feeling like I never slept. My sleep isn't refreshing at all. My eyes burn everyday from the severe fatigue due to ulcerative colitis. Before I could go out and do anything but now I spend all my days off in bed. Work days are pure hell. Both of my conditions are life long and I do not plan on suffering so awfully like this for the next 60 years. I also have chronic derealization/depersonalization from severe childhood trauma and later mental illness that makes reality seem fake to me. I experience life like how someone experiences a movie - from a distance and not involved. A spectator forever on the outside looking in. It's bizarre.

I plan on either hanging myself full suspension or taking sodium nitrite. Both methods are prepared and ready to go at a moments notice.


My question is: how best to force myself to actually do it? I've made serious attempts in the past but im having difficulty summoning the same energy this time around to make one last attempt on my life.

 

[dustyfurcollector]

I'm not saying this to be harsh, and I'm definitely not a prolifer, but if you're not absolutely convinced and doubting doing it, you shouldn't do it

 

[FuneralCry]

I don't really think that you can force yourself to ctb, I think that many people manage to go through with it when they reach the point of desperation or they just simply know that it's time for them to leave, it's a feeling that they have. I hope that you find freedom from your suffering, it sounds so awful what you are going through, life is just so horrible and cruel.

 

[Cryptonite]

I feel these things have been helping me to get closer to my own CBT in recent months:

• thorough preparation
• desensitization (trial attempts)
• deep internal acceptance of CBT as the best decision there is (!!)
• benzodiazepines

However, I haven't CTBed yet, so I cannot say for sure. I hope it gives you some inspiration.

 

[Cerulea]

I'm so sorry to hear you're experiencing so much pain and suffering. Battling with our brains, trying to figure out what is real and what is not - it can be terrifying.

I don't think anyone could or should advise you on how to "force yourself" to follow through. There are many reasons to go either which way. Your survival instincts will likely intervene to try and keep you alive. I've had folks suggest to me that I'll know when the time is right and if it's that deeply important to me, I'll find a way to overcome that mechanism. I think that's true. I've come more secure in my decision by planning and acquiring the resources my chosen method requires. The more I learned, the more I planned, the better I felt.

You'll know when you're in a place to take action for yourself. Fortunately, you have time. I'm sure it doesn't feel fortunate, but taking that time to make a genuine choice for yourself is one of the most fair and kind things you can give yourself.

Chronic pain is horrendous. I hope you arrive at the conclusion that's best for you and your situation.

 

[http-410]

I also have chronic derealization/depersonalization from severe childhood trauma and later mental illness that makes reality seem fake to me. I experience life like how someone experiences a movie - from a distance and not involved. A spectator forever on the outside looking in. It's bizarre.

I don't know if it helps you, but just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in this. You described it well. Chronic dp/dr is not something I would wish on my worst enemy. Have you ever found anything that has made the dp/dr somewhat lessened or more bearable?

 

[Blackroom_57]

I don't know if it helps you, but just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in this. You described it well. Chronic dp/dr is not something I would wish on my worst enemy. Have you ever found anything that has made the dp/dr somewhat lessened or more bearable?

getting fucked off drugs to distract myself is the only thing that has ever helped, but that will probably make derealization/depersonalization worse in the long term. Some days it's better, some days it's worse. Otherwise I'm permanently stuck in a state of derealization. It feels like I'm sitting behind my eyeballs watching everything that comes in on a screen. I look at my hands sometimes and they look alien to me.

It does have its benefits though. I have no more crippling social anxiety anymore because I never feel present in any of the situations I'm in, and I can easily dissociate at work which makes long shifts more bearable. Other people's criticisms/views of me also doesn't affect me anymore.

Though it's made me into a shut in. I'm not interested in people anymore cause people don't even seem real to me. Nothing in life interests me anymore really due to being on antipsychotics for so many years and the constant feeling of being disconnected from reality.

 

[peelingbananas]

I have come to the realization that I may have to actually kill myself in order to get rid of my pain.

Background: have brain damage from multiple psychotic episodes (I'm somewhere on the schizo spectrum) and recently developed ulcerative colitis which has devastated me. Everyday I wake up feeling like I never slept. My sleep isn't refreshing at all. My eyes burn everyday from the severe fatigue due to ulcerative colitis. Before I could go out and do anything but now I spend all my days off in bed. Work days are pure hell. Both of my conditions are life long and I do not plan on suffering so awfully like this for the next 60 years. I also have chronic derealization/depersonalization from severe childhood trauma and later mental illness that makes reality seem fake to me. I experience life like how someone experiences a movie - from a distance and not involved. A spectator forever on the outside looking in. It's bizarre.

I plan on either hanging myself full suspension or taking sodium nitrite. Both methods are prepared and ready to go at a moments notice.


My question is: how best to force myself to actually do it? I've made serious attempts in the past but im having difficulty summoning the same energy this time around to make one last attempt on my life.

don't force it.