woofwag
Bad dog
- Sep 17, 2025
- 55
TW cops
(wrote this last night but fell asleep writing the last bit, hence "tonight")
Tonight was supposed to be good. Tonight was good. I can't blame any of the people involved (except my fucking ride) for what happened, but fuck does it hurt. It was fun and yet so fucked up too.
Got drunk with my friends. Introduced my two besties for the first time. They liked each other a lot. In fact, everyone who met us when we were out liked us. I very often get told by strangers at bars and parties that they love me within like 30 minutes of meeting me (mostly I think cuz they're not sober tho but still). I went to a job training earlier, drove despite being terrified of it, and overall enjoyed myself and my friends.
Until the end of the night. My bestie got way, way too drunk. I helped him throw up in the toilet for a while, and he said he wanted to go home so I found my friend (dude is like 48 btw, too old to be irresponsible about super drunk 22 yr old's), and he said he would be out in 5 minutes to drive us. I made him promise. He promised. He wasn't out in 5.
In fact, it took me calling him 7 times and ordering an Uber out of desperation for him to FINALLY show up. I tried to give him directions back while my bestie threw up out of his window, and he slammed through a red light going 44MPH. I didn't realize he was drunk. I did when I heard the slur in his words after the cop who pulled us over asked how much he'd had to drink. "Just three drinks," BULLSHIT and now you've got me and my bestie involved and he's so fucked up and I was sober but I can't handle it, I can't handle seeing cops.
I see monsters in cops. I see my dad in cops. He is a monster. He is evil, and I didn't really believe in evil until I started remembering what he had done to me.
My SN arrived today too. I'll make some more detailed post about it probably. I feel very conflicted about having it. I can't hurt the people I love like that. But can I keep hurting myself like this?
I have DID and my system has completely abandoned me for over a year now. I already had abandonment issues, but this? Being abandoned by the only people who've ever been reliable in talking to me every fucking day, all day, caring for me, helping to maintain my life when I couldn't, and now they're gone, and now I truly can't maintain it anymore. I'm going to CBT and they aren't here. So what now?
I talked to my therapist and even she said she didn't know how to help. She doesn't know what to do with all the disorganized helpless swirling in my head. Ig that's where I'm left. Too disabled to be handle this job since from the training I don't think I can do it. Too traumatized to be able to handle seeing cops. Too traumatized to be able to handle having many friendships at all really. I can't trust people. Too helpless to be able to keep living… so ig i won't. Not tonight, and not tomorrow. But sometime I will take the SN. That will be it. I can have peace.
I haven't been on here crazy long, but I will miss the generous and empathetic people here who actually understand the pain of chronic suicidal ideation. Thank you for understanding and being kind even when the rest of the world chooses to demonize us and this site.
(wrote this last night but fell asleep writing the last bit, hence "tonight")
Tonight was supposed to be good. Tonight was good. I can't blame any of the people involved (except my fucking ride) for what happened, but fuck does it hurt. It was fun and yet so fucked up too.
Got drunk with my friends. Introduced my two besties for the first time. They liked each other a lot. In fact, everyone who met us when we were out liked us. I very often get told by strangers at bars and parties that they love me within like 30 minutes of meeting me (mostly I think cuz they're not sober tho but still). I went to a job training earlier, drove despite being terrified of it, and overall enjoyed myself and my friends.
Until the end of the night. My bestie got way, way too drunk. I helped him throw up in the toilet for a while, and he said he wanted to go home so I found my friend (dude is like 48 btw, too old to be irresponsible about super drunk 22 yr old's), and he said he would be out in 5 minutes to drive us. I made him promise. He promised. He wasn't out in 5.
In fact, it took me calling him 7 times and ordering an Uber out of desperation for him to FINALLY show up. I tried to give him directions back while my bestie threw up out of his window, and he slammed through a red light going 44MPH. I didn't realize he was drunk. I did when I heard the slur in his words after the cop who pulled us over asked how much he'd had to drink. "Just three drinks," BULLSHIT and now you've got me and my bestie involved and he's so fucked up and I was sober but I can't handle it, I can't handle seeing cops.
I see monsters in cops. I see my dad in cops. He is a monster. He is evil, and I didn't really believe in evil until I started remembering what he had done to me.
My SN arrived today too. I'll make some more detailed post about it probably. I feel very conflicted about having it. I can't hurt the people I love like that. But can I keep hurting myself like this?
I have DID and my system has completely abandoned me for over a year now. I already had abandonment issues, but this? Being abandoned by the only people who've ever been reliable in talking to me every fucking day, all day, caring for me, helping to maintain my life when I couldn't, and now they're gone, and now I truly can't maintain it anymore. I'm going to CBT and they aren't here. So what now?
I talked to my therapist and even she said she didn't know how to help. She doesn't know what to do with all the disorganized helpless swirling in my head. Ig that's where I'm left. Too disabled to be handle this job since from the training I don't think I can do it. Too traumatized to be able to handle seeing cops. Too traumatized to be able to handle having many friendships at all really. I can't trust people. Too helpless to be able to keep living… so ig i won't. Not tonight, and not tomorrow. But sometime I will take the SN. That will be it. I can have peace.
I haven't been on here crazy long, but I will miss the generous and empathetic people here who actually understand the pain of chronic suicidal ideation. Thank you for understanding and being kind even when the rest of the world chooses to demonize us and this site.
