bpdwriter
Member
- Jul 23, 2025
- 34
I debated whether to post this on here or recovery, but at this point I'm 50/50 on whether I'll CTB soon. Ultimately, loneliness contributes towards my thoughts of CTB so I'll post it here.
This might be a bit vent-y, but feel free to comment any similar experiences, I just wanted to make space to feel disappointed.
--
It's not even a big deal, really. But all of these have happened in the past 2 weeks.
It started small: my two best friends (of 10+ years) are my references for jobs. I got something like a job (adjunct, on call), which isn't paying anything immediately, but might in Spring which is something, at least. All my friends had to do was fill out a reference form via email. Both failed to do so, with varying types of "I didn't see the email".
I asked one of them to check spam. She said, "nope, not in spam". Spoiler: later we find out it WAS in spam.
Another time, one of them asks to call to check-in, I said sure and gave a 2 hour window I was free. 10min before the time was up, she said "actually, nvm I'm tired".
Another time, one of them messages the group chat about how much she misses us. I then extend an open invite for a concert a mutual was going to graciously buy tickets for. She says we already bought tickets so she doesn't want to sit alone. I told her we didn't buy the tickets yet. She stops responding.
Later, a friend streams a game online and she shows up. She does the whole I miss you thing. I bring up the concert again, in case she forgot. She disappears again. without answering.
Later, I see them and other friends playing games together without reaching out or messaging me like they usually would.
There's more but that's enough of an overview. It's hard to hear people say "Reach out if you need anything", "here for you" and then when you do, they disappear.
--
The main realization I'm having is that over the past 10 years of these friendships, I've given a lot. I always hear them out, help them, show up for them. But now that I can't as my mental health is at its lowest, it feels like our friendship was built on air. This is not to say they are bad people -- far from it. I've also received a lot over the years from them.
It's just, ultimately, they are self-absorbed like a lot. Not many people would put a friend first, but they would a partner, etc. So when the friendship stops being convenient, it's easy for them to back away.
Once, I heard the following lines in a poem "Why do we gather to watch someone die, when we should have been there to watch them live?"
And that's how I feel right now.
This might be a bit vent-y, but feel free to comment any similar experiences, I just wanted to make space to feel disappointed.
--
It's not even a big deal, really. But all of these have happened in the past 2 weeks.
It started small: my two best friends (of 10+ years) are my references for jobs. I got something like a job (adjunct, on call), which isn't paying anything immediately, but might in Spring which is something, at least. All my friends had to do was fill out a reference form via email. Both failed to do so, with varying types of "I didn't see the email".
I asked one of them to check spam. She said, "nope, not in spam". Spoiler: later we find out it WAS in spam.
Another time, one of them asks to call to check-in, I said sure and gave a 2 hour window I was free. 10min before the time was up, she said "actually, nvm I'm tired".
Another time, one of them messages the group chat about how much she misses us. I then extend an open invite for a concert a mutual was going to graciously buy tickets for. She says we already bought tickets so she doesn't want to sit alone. I told her we didn't buy the tickets yet. She stops responding.
Later, a friend streams a game online and she shows up. She does the whole I miss you thing. I bring up the concert again, in case she forgot. She disappears again. without answering.
Later, I see them and other friends playing games together without reaching out or messaging me like they usually would.
There's more but that's enough of an overview. It's hard to hear people say "Reach out if you need anything", "here for you" and then when you do, they disappear.
--
The main realization I'm having is that over the past 10 years of these friendships, I've given a lot. I always hear them out, help them, show up for them. But now that I can't as my mental health is at its lowest, it feels like our friendship was built on air. This is not to say they are bad people -- far from it. I've also received a lot over the years from them.
It's just, ultimately, they are self-absorbed like a lot. Not many people would put a friend first, but they would a partner, etc. So when the friendship stops being convenient, it's easy for them to back away.
Once, I heard the following lines in a poem "Why do we gather to watch someone die, when we should have been there to watch them live?"
And that's how I feel right now.
